#doheney

September 16, 2021 - I wake up everyday at 7am, alarm or no alarm.  I woke up this morning at 5:30am and I had the weirdest dream/thought thing going on that just continued straight into lucidness.  Whenever this hits it’s usually when I’m having a bit of a struggle falling asleep... It’s that “I can’t sleep, so I’ll do the life inventory/evaluation”.  How did I get here? That kid 55 years ago that was an asshole to me/I was an asshole to him.  Argument with my dad-argument with my mom... both now gone.  People I did wrong, people that did me wrong. The complicated shit that went on at a place I worked at for 22 years and how much of it I caused versus how much I felt was just me getting fucked over.  I fall asleep and the next day, it’s just “what was that all about”?  Today was not like that.  I got up, had some coffee, watched the news, a couple YouTube videos of people making things and got on with my day.  But I didn’t just cancel out the “life analysis” thing.  I kept thinking about some of that stuff and couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I’m 70 years old and 99% of that stuff just absolutely doesn’t matter anymore to anyone and probably hasn’t for a long time.  Gotta let go completely.  I hear about old people getting rid of stuff.  Cleaning out closets, garages, tools, physical things.  I understand why. 

September 1, 2021 - I had to go up to see my dentist in Pasadena today. It’s actually the work he’s doing that has triggered my coming to terms with growing old.  I had a big rock climbing accident November of 1975 that left me with some broken teeth and a pounded jaw, knee, elbow, etc.  I had everything repaired straight away, but now 46 years later I’m having trouble with my teeth and jaw.  I digress...  It was making the decision to invest the money necessary to sort things out that got me to weighing the money I spend against the years I will get benefit from the expenditure.  It’s just super weird to think about.  I’m not the least bit impressed by or interested in warranties, any unnecessary work on my house (other than to maintain it), extended support on appliances, putting solar panels on my roof or any of that stuff.  It’s just weird that I don’t want to think about or deal with things that might out live me.  It’s actually almost comical.