#dogwindow

Nicholas had perhaps the most important job at Hello Thermopolis - coming up with the headlines. The headlines were what greeted the readers, welcomed them, and said, well, “hello” to them. And considering recent global and galactic events, Nicholas had been under quite a bit of pressure. As soon as he heard about the interdimensional space window mysteriously opening and unleashing the Dogs, he knew what he had to do. At his messy little desk in the middle of the Hello office, he laid out some blank pages and different coloured pens and got to work. First, he eliminated the obvious, lazy headlines, such as, “Who let the Dogs out”. Nicholas knew that inferior publications would go for this cheap, easy headline, and he was right.

After an unproductive brainstorming session, Nicholas was approached by his boss, who said, “This thing’s going to the press in an hour. If you don’t have anything by then, we’re going with ‘Who let the Dogs out’”.

“I can’t do that to myself.” said Nicholas. “If we publish that headline, I will resign.”

“Then you better think quick! You got an hour.”

“If you could give me more time to think about this, I could give you a brilliant headline!”

“This is a galactic story. I can’t afford to waste any time.”

“Great art takes time!”

“And great news is on time.” the boss tapped his watch. “One hour!”

Hearing this, Nicholas knew he had to give it his all. He spent the next half an hour scrawling any idea he could think of onto pieces of paper he promptly crumpled up and threw away. He had never had to work under such pressure, for there had never been a space window opening before.

His time was almost up and all he had was a pile of terrible ideas. He prayed for a brilliant headline to come out of a window in the sky just like those Dogs, but nothing came. Defeated, turned to his source of comfort in hard times: the radio. He tuned in to the sad music station, where a song he didn’t recognize was playing. It was a sad song, and it was only making him more sad. He was about to turn off the radio, when suddenly the chorus started, and a certain lyric caught his attention.

His eyes widened and it was as though he’d been struck by lightning. He suddenly stood up and dashed to the boss’ office. He burst through the door and said, “I’ve got it!”

“Well? What is it?” the boss leaned forward. “Spit it out!”

Nicholas took a deep breath and said, “My baby threw the Dogs out of the window.”

Pauline suffered from perhaps the worst illness in any relationship: dull conversation. Her partner, Jeff, had the social skills of a rock. He only talked about the news and the weather, he never reciprocated any of the questions Pauline asked him, and worst of all, there were his little jokes. He made the stupidest jokes, most of them ones that have been said before a million times. He would laugh to himself, thinking he was some sort of comedy genius. For two years, Pauline had to pretend these jokes were funny, forcing herself to smile and laugh every time. At this point, Pauline was exhausted. With everything that was going on with the space window and the Dogs, Jeff was repeating the same few jokes that people had been making since the window was first opened. Here are a couple of his personal favourites:

After hearing one too many of these lines, Pauline decided enough was enough. This whole space window situation had put things into perspective for her. The Dogs were coming and there was no stopping them. Pauline did not want to spend her last days with someone she can’t talk to. She wasn’t going to do that to herself. She wished she could escape this relationship as easily as those Dogs leaped out of that space window.

One night at dinner, she said, “Jeff, I’ve been thinking about the Dogs.”

“You mean about who let them out?” said Jeff, holding back laughter.

“This is not funny,” said Pauline. “One of these days the Dogs are going to land and they will eat us all.”

“Yummy yummy!”

“We’re going to die, Jeff,” said Pauline. “Very soon.”

Jeff was suddenly silent.

“So if we only have mere days before we’re eaten,” said Pauline, “Then I think I should spend them… alone.”

Jeff stared at Pauline in silence. There were no jokes he could make at this point.

“You’re leaving me?” said Jeff.

“Yes. Goodbye.” Pauline stood up and started walking toward the door.

“Wait!” Jeff got up and stood in front of the door, blocking it. “At least give me a reason. Why are you leaving me?”

Pauline took a deep breath. “You’re not funny, Jeff.”

“What?”

“Your jokes. They’re not funny.”

“What about the one where I go ‘who let the Dogs out’?”

“Not funny.”

“What about the hot dog one?”

“Still not funny.”

“What about the-”

“You’re not funny!”

Pauline tried to open the door but Jeff pressed himself against it. Pauline looked around and saw the window on the other side of the room. She dashed over to it, opened it, and jumped right out. She landed on their front lawn and walked away.

Gary had a crush on his coworker, Steven. Steven was smart, kind, and very funny. His little jokes in the break room were always the highlight of Gary’s day. Here are a couple of examples:

Despite his affection, Gary would only sit in the corner and listen, for he hadn’t yet worked up the courage to start a conversation. He did not know what he could possibly say to such a comedy genius. So, he had accepted that he was going to love Steven from afar, never to talk to him, for Gary’s little words would never be enough for Steven.

However, as the news concerning the space window and the Dogs continued to get worse, Gary was starting to feel the end approaching quickly. He knew the Dogs were going to eat them all, so he had to make a move before it was too late. So he decided he was going to start a conversation with Steven the next day at work, for it could be his last. Gary laid out some paper and pens and got to work. First, he needed a perfect opportunity to approach him naturally, a segue, an opening… a window, if you will. So, Gary wrote down some of Steven’s usual one-liners that he could possibly respond to. Then, he thought of some potential responses or jokes he could make as his opening line.

Despite all this hard work, there was nothing Gary could come up with that would be charming or charismatic enough. Defeated, he turned on the radio and tuned in to the sad music station, where “My Baby Threw My Heart Out Of The Window” was playing. He thought for a second that he could say, “My Baby threw the Dogs out of the window”, but quickly dismissed the idea, as it sounded like the stupidest thing he’d ever heard. Still defeated, he turned off the radio and went to sleep.

The next day at lunch, exhausted from a long night of unsuccessful brainstorming, Gary sat in the corner of the break room once again. He watched as everyone else was talking to Steven so effortlessly, casually throwing around witty observations and puns about the current state of the world.

“This has been yet another lovely chat,” said Steven, “but I must go back to my desk.”