#dogdiary

Recently I've come to terms with an uncomfortable reality. That I was a very oblivious egg, but also that despite not feeling like I was in the gender torment nexus, that I was just like blissfully unaware because I never let thoughts about myself fully form, I actually was incredibly uncomfortable. Alot of the time

I envision that one meme. "I didn't know anything was wrong either I thought I was just chillin". Like that's how I view myself from back then.

But it was actually pretty apparent that I wasn't happy doing most things. I just realized my aversion to clothes shopping was because of gender dysphoria. Which on its own isn't that scary but like, I LOVE shopping now. Before now, before knowing I was a woman, I always felt tense and homesick in clothing store. I would get bored quickly, and just drift around. My jaw was constantly sore from clenching my teeth subconciously. The difference in feeling is night and day now.

And I'm glad I don't feel that way anymore but damn. How does there LOOK to people?? Like. How does there look to someone who loves me? Bored, antsy, tense and lost. Wearing the same clothes for years, clothes I didn't take care of cause I didn't care about them. They were utility and that's all.

My girlfriend used to say it felt like the life drained from my eyes when I used to get ready for work. It hits me now just how sad that is.

Suffering doesn't define transness. I will always maintain that. There is untold and bountiful joy in transness.

But it hurts to think about how much suffering was plain as day to others and felt like just personality quirks or realities of life. Like yeah it's totally normal to avoid looking my reflection in the eyes haha right?? And then I realize how much I've been hurting to not even be able to meet my own eyes.

I chose living over just existing, but was I just existing? Or was I in hell and Just ignoring it? Was I going down fast instead of going nowhere?

When I was egg: strictly penetration receptive bottom. Basically completely vanilla. I either wanted to give head or get fucked. All kink felt difficult to get into, and any kink I did like was mostly stuff I looked at porn for.

Me in a dress over a year ago

And a couple dresses from this week 💕 I should get y'all a newer pic of me in the older dress I still have it. The blue one is hanging on the wall in the old pic at least.

Idk really what changed but I wasn't mentally present a lot of the time pre egg crack. I definitely face forward more often though, and despite what you see hear I smile way more too.

I definitely am way more confident about how well I fill dresses now. I'm not really on any sort of weight loss routine (probably won't be ever. I plan to start working out someday but IDC about my weight. I love every bit of me), but the estrogen has like moved my fat in a way that just makes me love my general outline.

I can really tell how much rounder my face is too. And those curls are really killing it everyday.

It's not perfect, but it's a nice little reset button.

I'm actually extremely similar to my mom I've found, more than I thought. I'm not unhappy about that.

All this has also given me a bit of a breakthrough in my self perception. Im allowing myself to. Uncomplicated my personality traits.

There's been a nagging voice in my head everytime I indulge in something asking me to find some psychological connection between stuff I like and my childhood, or my transness, my prejudices. And like. That's just not necessary all the time. Many times I just second guess myself in the process and the imposter syndrome sets in.