#doesanyonestillusetumblr

  every time that i feel like i am getting better, something bad always happens and i realize that i was never getting better. i really did feel like things were starting to get better though. the weather was beginning to improve, i found someone that i really like. i was starting to be genuinely happy. but of course, something had to happen and i go back to square one. i go back to feeling like i would be better off dead, like nobody likes me, like i will never amount to anything. i go back to thinking that i am worthless and incapable of being loved, no matter how many times people remind me that they love me. i feel like everyone hates me, and like everyone is constantly judging me. like i can never do anything right.

i know that i am overreacting. this is not a big deal, and it will eventually blow over. i think what hurts the most about this, is that i now know that some people actually think the things i think about myself. i try to comfort myself sometimes in thinking that no one really thinks that. that i am the only one who feels this way about myself, once again i have been proven wrong. i can’t lie, it really hurts. like really hurts. it felt like i was finally starting to be comfortable in my own skin, and i was finally starting to be confident, but that all went away within a day. two posts on the internet, over 100,000 views collectively and about 1000 comments about me. that is the definition of humiliating. i know that it’s stupid to be upset about what a random person on the internet thinks about me, but i can’t help but to be upset about just that. why am i like this? so emotional. truly pathetic.

i hate feeling this way, because sometimes other people notice and then they feel bad for me. that is always the last thing that i want. i hate people feeling back for me. it makes me feel worse. it also makes me feel good though, it is nice to be cared about. that is really the only reason i am still alive. because i know that a lot of people care about me, and i know that a lot of people want me here. if i kill myself they will be sad. i do not want that. that would be selfish of me.  i try to not be selfish if i can help it. if this were a perfect world i wouldn’t feel like this, and i wouldn’t be writing this right now. of course, the world is far from perfect. so here we are.

sometimes i think about what life would be like if i did decide to kill myself. if any of my attempts succeeded. how people would react. how different things would be. i know that my parents and my sister would be sad. i know my friends would be upset. i know that people i used to go to school with would post me on their stories saying some dumb shit like “i wish we got to talk more.” or “we didn’t talk, but you were so loved.” when in reality they wouldn’t give it a second thought. nobody cares about you until you are dead. when you are alive, they could care less about you, they could treat you like actual shit, your existence means absolutely nothing to them. that’s crazy to think about.

this is not a suicide note, if you haven’t caught on yet. i am just venting about my feelings, in a healthy way. i won’t lie though, i already got some of these feelings out in an unhealthy way. oops. currently 25 hours, 18 minutes, and 27 seconds clean. woohoo. i was so close to a month clean. but that stupid video happened. those stupid comments happened. and i broke. i don’t know when i’ll be okay again. but hopefully it’ll be soon. i don’t know how much longer i can live like this. it really sucks. waking up and feeling like shit, feeling okayish throughout the day, and then by night going back to feeling like shit again. but really feeling like shit. crying myself to sleep has become a new daily. i hate this! so much!!

i do try to be okay though. i don’t want other people to worry about me. i don’t want other people to leave me. i don’t want this to ruin anything. people tell you that they will always be there for you, but they won’t. most of the time anyway. as soon as things start to get really bad people leave, and that sucks. it’s not anyone’s fault if someone is mentally stable enough to help someone else. but i would rather them just say that they can’t help me because they are not in a good place rather than them leaving. or maybe they just leave because they think you are so fucked up that you are impossible to love. i know i can be hard to love. i know that i am not anyone’s first choice, but i wish they wouldn’t leave. hopefully, he won’t leave.

if i ever do kill myself though, i don’t want anyone to think that it is their fault. no one is to blame but me. it was my own choice to do that. i would never do that because someone told me to. I would never blame anyone either. i would just hope that people would be able to recover quickly. i know that wouldn’t happen though. but if i ever do, please don’t blame yourselves. please don’t think you could have done something, you couldn’t have. i won’t tell anyone that I’m about to kill myself. i will probably just write a paragraph saying how much I love you and shut my phone off. I might leave a list of passwords; I don’t know though. some people know my phone and computer password already though, and my password is pretty much the same for everything, using capital letters and special characters as needed though.

what do you think the afterlife is like? i like to believe in a heaven. and although i guess I’m not the best christian, i would like to think i would go to heaven. heaven is supposed to be paradise. everything you can imagine and more. i could see mamaw again, and grandpa. i could see uncle norm and uncle chuck again too. another chance to hug them. that would be so great. nothing can be taken for granted there. you get forever with the people you love. how could you NOT want something like that? you get the perfect body, the perfect face, the perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect stomach. no one will call you ugly. no mean things will be said about you. everyone will love you. why wouldn’t someone want that? ugh, so tempting. just to say fuck it and end it all. what do i have to lose?  is my future really that bright? will i be happy i stayed when i’m older? so many questions, but no answers. not yet at least.