#does it even make sense...

he bites his lip, staring into nothing as he tries to think about this rationally. there are a million different answers he could give, some darker than others, but he’s unsure if he wants to go too deep. he’s not at that stage yet. “uh ... hope?” for a lot of reasons, less than a quarter of which he’ll name. “i just ... if i lost hope now, where will i go? i’d feel like i wasted nine years of my life trying to get to a place i’ll never be able to reach. if i lost hope, in general, i don’t really ... i wouldn’t know what i’d do. i would literally lose everything i’ve worked hard for. sometimes it’s really hard to keep hoping ... i’m always told nine years is too long, that i shouldn’t try this out anymore. it feels useless sometimes to keep hoping, to keep wishing for something that’s unclear ... but sometimes it’s all you have because you don’t want anything else, even if it’s harder to reach. losing hope is ... literally losing nearly a decade of my life, losing who i am.”