#does anyone learn

Two doodles in MsPaint, of my oc Ananta and a more realistic me!

She is broken. A monster. Royally fucked up in the head. She knew this even as a kid. Because she, was born a he. When she woke up and found her mother, she had immediately told her that she was a boy. And her twin was one too. At first, she agreed, and even though it felt weird, and the name "Alastor" felt weird on her tongue, she accepted it. I mean, why would her mom ever lie? Her brother, Cruz, loved his name, and his gender. He was everything she wasn't, and she idealized him because of it. She had a hard time interesting with the other kids her age, only sticking by her brother and his multitude of friends. But, the older she got, the less she started to feel like herself. She started feeling like a different person, like she didn't belong in this body. She wanted to grow out her hair, wear shirts and dresses, and join all the other girls. But she couldn't, because her mom said she was a boy. She told her brother this, and he didn't understand. Why would he? He was perfect in every way, unlike her. She felt lost, and separated herself from everyone except her brother. He was the only reason she stuck around. If he didn't exist, she probably would've ran away to join the humans. The two of them were like peas in a pod, and she started opening up more to him. He finally understood her feelings, and offered to call her "Lánh", which was the name of the strongest warrior in the kingdom. She took up his offer. After a long time of feeling lost and broken, she felt born anew. And, after telling her mother how she felt, she was kicked out, and moved into the house she had been building for a while. Her brother moved in with her. But then the human showed up. She was a small little thing, with the name of "Amalia". Only a few years old, she had gotten lost in the Dark Forest and wound up here. Her brother offered to take "Amalia" home. The little girl was happy, but she wasn't. She yelled at her brother, telling him that it was a trap, how the humans would kidnap and kill him. He didn't listen. He said he would be right back home, but she didn't believe him. She count believe how awful he was, leaving her all alone, how selfish he was. When he left, she curled up in his bed, and couldn't stop shaking, she couldn't handle the thought of her brother leaving her. She hoped he would hurry his sorry ass up and get home so he can apologize for leaving her alone. He never did. They never found his body, and when she went to find "Amalia", the girl was nowhere. When the weight of what had happened finally hit her, she just stopped. Nothing seemed worth it now, now that he was gone. She would have nights where she almost walked to the cliff and jumped off. Maybe then she would free the world of her horribleness. She started becoming self-conscious. Wearing his old coats to cover her broken skin, and went back to wearing pants, cutting her hair with a spare knife. She wanted to stab herself with that knife. She had finally accepted that everything she did was broken, distorted. Whatever she touched wilted and died. Then she met "Ananta". They were beautiful. Full of laughter and excitement, just being around them she was filled with more energy. She started obsessing over them, trying to get up the nerve to talk to them. But she didn't need to. They talked to her first. They had asked why she always wore a coat, and she told them it was because she was ugly. They laughed, and the next day, bought her a beautiful shirt and skirt, saying that no one could look ugly in this. But she did. Except "Ananta" didn't think so. They said she was beautiful, and paraded her around town, making sure everyone knew her name was "Lánh", not "Alastor". She started spending every minute of every day with them. And when they couldn't hang out, she started talking to "Celsus" the King and Queen's son. He was sweet, and she could tell he had a crush on her. But, she had a crush on "Ananta". Beautiful, wonderful, sweet "Ananta". She just wanted to kiss every nook and cranny of her body. The only problem was that she didn't know if they liked her back. So she decided to test it. She asked "Celsus" out. He agreed, enthusiastically, and a small part of her said that this was a bad idea, but she ignored it. She dated him for a few months, trying to do anything to see if it would get a reaction out of "Ananta". It never did. Sad and angry, she took it out on him. Yelling, calling him stupid, even hitting him. Then she apologized, and he forgave her. She couldn't believe it. He fucking forgave her. After a few more months of feeling nothing and seeing no reaction from "Ananta", she decide to end it. She told him that she never loved him and that she only wanted to see if "Ananta" liked her, but they didn't. She never really talked to him again, mostly avoided him and the looks he gave her, the ones filled with longing, regret, hatred, and love. She was a monster, she realized. But it didn't care as long as they didn't notice. And they never did. They were content with hanging around with her, sleeping over, working together, staying up all night. Until they had to leave. They were going to meet with the humans, with "Storm", "Noy", "Wei", and others. She knew where this ended. She begged them not to go. She threw stuff, pulled her hair, punched the wall, yelled at them, cried. She tried everything, but they still wanted to go. As a last ditch effort, she told them, that if they went, she would never be friends with them again. And she meant it. They had sunk so low in their mind, that the only way for them to be as amazing as they were before would be to stay. But they didn't stay. They left her alone, promising to come back. But it didn't matter. They were dead to her. A while later, she met "Deniz". They were the survivor of a horrible human attack that burned their arms off and scared their face. They helped her clean up some things when they saw she was struggling. After such a long time of being without a friend, this act of kindness sealed the deal. "Deniz" would be their new friend. And they were up for it too. They couldn't speak a whole lot because of the attack, but they were good company anyway. She usually did most of the talking so it didn't matter. Then "Ananta" appeared. They had changed. They were ugly now, short hair, blind, they didn't speak a lot, and she hated it. She told them that, but they didn't seem to care. She shouted it, told the whole world how they fell apart once they stopped being friends with her. But, that night, as she was going over what had happened in her life that lead her up to this moment, she realized it. She was a horrible monster. She used people, abused them. She was broken. Her brother died, "Ananta" had changed, all because of her. She realized her mom was right, "demon" was a perfect name for her.