#divorcedparents

you did something bad, and life granted you with me.

a daughter that's your complete opposite.

everyday you party while i rot in my room. the light in your eyes goes away when i talk with you.

i wish i had a mother like theirs. they talk, and go shopping like its normal for them. you, on the other hand, pretend im never here. you go on your own like its better then being with me.

maybe im the problem... i worry, i take up space i lie to your face, i dont want you to see me.

i wish i belonged somewhere

everyone does something here and there. i am here, in the vast loneliness of my messy old life. daydreaming about friends and the end of my teenage years.

i listen to music and pretend im not here.

Grace Needs Space by Benjamin A. Wilgus and Rii Abrego (illustrations). RH Graphic, 2023. 9780593182390. http://www.powells.com/book/-9780593182390?partnerid=34778&p_bt

Grace lives on Genova Station with her mom, Evelyn, an engineer who seems to get how to keep Grace involved and interested in making their house a home. Grace is excited because she's soon going to Titan with her Ba, Kendra, on a two-week trip in her cargo ship Sadie Goat. But her Ba is late. And when the trip is finally underway her Ba doesn't want her touching anything on the ship (she's particular, and it's all delicate). On Titan when Grace wants to see the sights (trees, plants, the largest lake in the solar system that's not on Earth) her Ba has no time because she's dealing with work. Grace meets some local kids and stows away on their field trip to Kraken Mare, where she touches the surface of Titan, but the trip nearly ends in disaster and then she's grounded. (There's more drama between the two and when the Sadie Goat is on its way back to Genova.)

Maybe 14 years have passed since I first heard this song and was instantly captivated by it. It was in my teenage years, in 2011—I just checked when Teen Wolf was released to back that up. The song, the background, the vocals… it all just grabs and pulls you into a world that hits deep, like a trance state.

I didn’t get it back then because I never really paid attention to the meaning of the lyrics. I think I get it now, since I lost a person who was like home to me. I lived in places where I was comfortable, served even.

However, it was only almost two years ago, around May 15th, 2024, that I felt "home." Even my house felt like one for the first time. Somewhere, anywhere in the world with him felt like home. I had never felt that way before. I don’t like to bring up topics about my past, but I grew up in a broken household, seeing better ones from the outside.

I’d seen family pictures in pretty frames, freshly cooked meals served at a large table, siblings fighting for attention from their parents… Whereas, I just sat there with my single mom, not knowing how it would feel to have a dad around a dinner table. It was a big and impossible ask, so I wouldn't even dare.

I’m not going to get too deep into it, but when I met him, I honestly had hope for the future for once. My only fear was losing him to death, honestly. I never dreamt of having a family of my own—where I would have my own kids and a husband I would love dearly.

However, I did believe that then. He made things possible. He made me think everything was possible. He actually fought for me without saying a thing. He felt like home too, and I was in total bliss. I felt secure and happy. Dependent and compliant. A "good girl" that is not actually me.