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Remember that time I had four hours of dental work done and went home to crawl into bed. And then ge*ff was angry at me because I “couldn’t even get SOMETHING on the table for him” when he got back from dirt biking? Because I do.
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Magic!
Just sold my fucking wedding rings and I’m *finally* writing again. About nothing but it feels nice.
Just got my ring set polished up and I’m going to sell it. My ex flat out said some threatening things when we split about selling “his” rings online.... so like, fuck you ge*ff lol
I’m reading in a subreddit (I know 🙄) about people who were in relationships with people that had personality disorders and yoooo. My therapist point blank said that, though she obviously can’t diagnose him, he used a lot of tactics that would align with Antisocial Personality Disorder/Narcissistic Personaliy Disorder. She told me in an effort to make it clear to me that there was nothing I could have done differently, no amount of patience would fix it, etc. Because you need to want to help yourself and he really, really didn’t want to. But hearing about other people’s experiences in this subreddit kind of just confirmed it in my mind. I related to a lot of what was said. I had always doubted myself and felt like maybe I was being too sensitive or dramatic. That’s the level of damage that he did through gaslighting and abusive tactics. I’m glad I can recognize when it happens now though and tell myself that, no, you weren’t crazy and you still aren’t. Those things happened exactly as you remember them.
Anyway yeah, I’m doing really good lately. I understand the importance of taking your medication every. fucking. day. This is me being pushy and annoying. Take it every god damn day. It works.
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My best friend/soul mate asked me if she was stepping over the line by sending this to our mutual friend. I just wanted to write a little PSA that talking frankly like this is the only reason I was able to acknowledge what G*off was doing to me. My mom sat me down and looked at me and said “he was abusing you” a few days after I had moved out. I was drunk on the couch with her crying about everything falling apart and realizing that yeah, he was fucking abusing me. When your internalized belief system is that you are bad/deserving of what is happening to you, when you don’t love yourself; shit like this happens to you. When people say you can’t love someone until you love yourself, i really believe that’s because you accept the love you give to yourself. I accepted what was happening to me because I believed I deserved it. I’ve been in therapy for two years undoing what he did to me but also, undoing what I had done to myself for years before I met him.
Look at Nate’s little buck teeth!!! 🐰 we went to natural hot springs today and had a picnic after.
I would take every lonely night over going to bed feeling the way g*off made me feel.
