#dispatch shuffler

Flambae should’ve expected a villain named “The Shuffler” to be a pain in the ass to fight. The mustachioed villain was in a gaudy purple and green suit, with a Rubick’s cube as his insignia, and sounded more like a parody songmaker than a villain who melted his way through a bank vault and turned the money inside to rubber ducks. Malevola and Flambae couldn’t do much about the toy ducks but they chose to pursue The Shuffler anyways; not knowing that getting him arrested would be its own challenge.

“You can’t un-shuffle me! I’m the motherfucking Shuffler!” The Shuffler yelled over his shoulder as he ran, looking like an escaped cartoon more than a threat. It was embarrassing how well he was avoiding Malevola’s portals and Flambae’s fireballs. The villain leaped over a row or garbage cans, snapping his fingers and turning them into barrels of marbles that quickly tipped over and scattered the glass balls every which way.

“Watch it!” Flambae called, kicking his flames on and choosing flight over running. Malevola slipped over one marble before portaling in front of the villain, sword out and ready to run The Shuffler through. The villain came screeching to a halt, nearly impaling himself on the vorpal blade.

“No where to run- You Bitch!” Maleveola called. The Shuffler turned tail, scurrying away and avoiding Flambae with a slide. The fire hero let out a growl, turning as sharp as he could to chase the weird villain. Malevola was right behind, slowly taking the lead as The Shuffler led them down more back alleys and twisted roads. “Can you not corner that ratbag already!”

“Ex-fucking-scuse me?!” Flambae sent out a blast of fire, right over Maelvola’s shoulder, and hit the running villain square in the ass. “What do you call that!” The villain squealed, the back of his pants catching fire. The Shuffler paused, patting out the smouldering fabric and revealing heart boxers underneath his stupid suit. Maelvola got close, decking the villain before he changed directions again-

The Shuffler ran right into Flambae’s pecs. The villain crashed with a squeaky-toy noise and fell to the ground. His messenger bag slipped off the villain’s shoulders and a rounded ray-gun slid out onto the pavement. It looked like he stole it from the set of a Killer Klown movie, brightly colored polkadots and all. “Well he’s a bitch to catch, but he’s got fuck-all weapon wise.” Before Malevola could stop the fiery hero, Flambae picked The Shuffler up. The villain snapped his fingers and the top part of his suit was missing, letting The Shuffler scramble on the ground for the gun. He snatched it, pointing at the two heroes as he scooted backwards.

“Stay back. I mean it!” The Shuffler’s grip shook on the plastic ray gun. Malevola and Flambae shared a look, eyebrows raised and smiles tugging on their lips. “Even I don’t know what the Universe has in mind for this FSD!” The Shuffler turned to the open alleyway, like an actor on a Sitcom, “That’s Forced-Shuffle-Device for our readers- GAH!”

“Shuffle this, bitch!” Flambae grabbed the man by his curly hair, winding back to punch him when a blast of bright yellow and green flooded his vision. Chad dropped the villain, covering his eyes as the Forced-Shuffle-Device was fired. Melvola barely managed to avoid the blast, covering her face with the Vorpal sword. The Shuffler hit the ground hard, the FSD ray gun disappearing with a pop of light. He scrambled away, laughing and shrieking at the top of his lungs before snapping into a portal of his own. Malevola started to run after, but Flambae hit the ground even harder.

The pavement cracked, Flambae was downed and twitching. Malevola rushed to his side, immediately pinging Robert over the coms. She felt his exposed neck for a pulse, yanking back with a hiss. Flambae was far too hot to touch, only burning hotter as his skin started to glow a deep red, like metal placed in a forge. Not good.

“Robert! Flambae is down and he’s too fucking hot to handle!” Mal used the blunt end of her sword to try and pry the hot-head out of the pavement’s outline. Flambae wasn’t budging, literally too heavy to move. “I can’t even move his ass off the pavement.” She reported, watching as Chad groaned, batting the handle of the blade away. At least he was alive. “He’s breathing but I don’t know how to get him out of here!” 

“Okay, Malevola, I’ve got your location and I’m sending out Water-” Flambae suddenly sat up, the red glow changing to a bright orange as he got to his knees. Malevola kept a firm grip on her sword, ready to send him to the ocean if needed.

“No!” He roared, clutching at his stomach. “Don’t- don’t you fucking dare, Robert!” Chad groaned, hand going for the commlink in his ear. He yanked it out, the heat resistant substance crackled and melted in his hand. The puddle of metal and plastic ashed over and faded away with the smoke coming off of him. Flambae was about to stand, shifting his weight when red hot pain ripped through his body. It was like Mechaman cutting off his fingers all over again but the searing agony spread through his entire body.

Chad screamed, body flashing bright white. Maelvola portaled to the nearby roof, closing her eyes as Flambae became far too bright to look at. His body was jerking around, bones crackling and twisting as the hero let out the loudest cry Malevola had heard from a non-sonic hero. The heat flared up, even feeling it from the roof, before dying down. Like a bolt of lightning, it was over. Malevola peaked over the side of the roof, yellow eyes widening as she spotted the tattered suit of Flambae… and what her friend had turned into.

“Oh shit.” At least Chad would be easier to transport now. 

— — —

Waterboy tore down the hallway, skidding on the white tiles as he raced through the SDN infirmary. He had heard the screams of pain and Malevola’s swears over the commline nearly half an hour ago. Waterboy had a mission to finish at the time, but when he heard the cries of pain and the distinct crack of bones, he was ready to abandon being a hero altogether. Malevola tried reassuring him that it was okay but Herman’s heart was racing. He needed to find Chad now, see it for himself.

Herman slipped, nearly careening into a wall as he tried to lock in and locate his teammates. They were holding Flambae in the lower infirmary, keeping him in the fire-proof medical wing for everyone’s supposed safety. It didn’t comfort Herman as he ran to the end door, spotting Prism and Sonar outside it. He panted, trying to catch his breath and start the questioning process as Alice put her hand on his shoulder, cringing and pulling it away almost immediately.

“Calm down, Waterboy!” She flicked the water off of her glove, “He’s awake and alive, so calm the fuck down.” Alice had never seen Waterboy run so fast, not even when chased by a tiger or avoiding the HR department. Herman was still doubled over, wheezing out breaths as he shook his head.

“Don’t you fucking shake your head at me! Chad your boyfriend’s being a bitch about it, are you gonna let us in or what?!” She tried the doorknob again, pushing her shoulder against it but the door stayed shut. Herman frowned, pushing a hand against the door as he righted himself. His breathing was still uneven but he was able to talk now.

“Why- why are… why are we standing out…out here?” Herman puffed. Victor offered a waterbottle, still sealed. Herman gladly took it, chugging half the container before trying again. “Ch-chad? Is everything…well it’s not-not okay but please…please let us in!” His voice was clear now, undoubtedly heard through the door. “I’m- we- are worried! P-please! I-I didn’t get to hear what…what even happened?!” Herman didn’t expect a clatter on the other side, a muffled voice raising as a loud thump vibrated through the door. “Chad!”

“Go away!” Chad’s voice called through the door. He sounded lower, rougher than normal. Mild relief nipped at the flood of horrible thoughts welling inside Waterboy. Chad was awake enough to be upset, with a very gruff tenor. Herman had only heard it once before when he pushed his fire breath to the absolute limit, acting as a living flamethrower for an hour. He had beat his prior record and couldn’t talk for two days afterwards. “I- just go! Finish the fucking shift.” 

“Bitch, we got an early day since you’re in the infirmary. Didn’t Robert tell you before you threw his bitch ass out?” Alice rapped her fist against the door. “You sent him flying by the way, Miss Blazer literally sent him to his own room.” A muffled noise came back.

Alice rolled her eyes, “You can apologize to Robert directly. I ain’t anyone’s messenger! Let us the fuck in.” The door shifted, Herman practically jumped to slide in but it remained shut. Alice and Victor groaned and Herman clawed at the handle, it slipped from his grip. 

“Dude, I’m telling you that it’s not a big deal! So you get blind-sided by a villain, it happens.” Victor dropped to his knees, producing a card from his pocket. The printed name on the front did not match Victor’s file or any of the Z team. Herman was half sure it was a credit card some executive had lost at the Torrance branch. “I can hear your heartbeat. I know you’re panicking and you’ve got to chill out. The best way to chillax for you is kicking back and getting a tall drink of Waterboy-” 

“No!” Chad hissed from beyond their view. Victor screamed, jumping away from the door. Flambae’s response was unnecessarily loud to the bat. “He can’t see me like this!” Herman’s heart dropped and Chad sounded just as heartbroken. He knew his boyfriend could be vain, stubborn and egotistical at times, but the fact Chad didn’t want to be seen was only fueling Herman’s anxiety with potential problems. “I’m hideous!” 

“Hideous is a gross overstatement,” Malevola’s voice chimed in. “Get your scaly butt away from the door before I portal them in!” Chad argued something back and the faint pink burns of a portal appeared alongside the wall, tearing a doorway open. Alice didn’t hesitate, jumping through before it closed off and left the two still outside. There was more clattering and the laughter of Prism rang out beyond the door. Herman knocked, rapid pace as the worry boiled over in his guts. Alice’s cackle died down and there was something sliding against the door. 

Victor motioned for Herman to move away from the door as he stepped back, getting a running start as- The door opened and Victor fell flat on his snout, half in the hall and half in the room. Herman stepped over the bat and entered the room before anyone could protest his presence. Victor pulled his legs through the entryway and closed it behind him. Five was a crowd in the SDN infirmary rooms and with Flambae’s current state, they were pushing it for space. Herman couldn’t help but stare at his sweetheart.

Chad was crouched in the middle of the room, slowly rising to his feet- claws? - and righting himself to his new height over seven-and-a-half feet tall. Herman estimated seven feet, eight or nine inches, with the dark-tipped horns that protruded from his hair line. Large draconic wings flared from his back, the tips grazing the ceiling and scraped white dust across the room. His fingers, still missing the two on his right, had been tipped with reptilian claws. Dark red scales, glittering with golden sparkles, trailed up his arms and covered his shoulders, trailing off around his collarbones and framing his ample chest.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed out. A long tail curled around him, the golden-tipped end fanned out to match the dark red webbing between his wings. Fangs stuck out of his mouth, a forked tongue ran over the sharp teeth. His eyes were sharp, calculated, braced for hurt, and fully orange with slits for pupils. Chad’s scruffy five-o-clock shadow was still present, but the same glittery scales that tipped his elbows and heels also covered his chin. Flames curled from his now pointed ears as Flambae’s eyes dropped to the floor. His claws clicked against the metal tiles. “I know I look-”

“Oh wow…” Herman was breathless. Chad was beautiful, he always had been, but the dragon-beast in front of him was ethereal to look at. It was as if Chad had stepped out of Herman’s personal fantasy. “You’re…really-really hot.” He swallowed the drool that pooled in his mouth. Herman’s eyes never left Chad’s new body. “Why-why would you h-hide this from m-me?!” 

“Because I’m a weird ass hybrid now! I used to be a Prince Charming and now… I’m fucking beastly! Scaly and- did you call me hot?” Chad’s eyes narrowed. His shoulders lowered as Dragon-Bae inspected Herman closely. His eyesight had changed slightly, taking in the shine of Herman’s water catching the fluorescent light. Chad could smell something sweet on him, yet an underlying musk that flared his nose. “Are you serious? Do I turn you on that much?” 

Herman opened his mouth, closing it immediately to stop the drool or flood of compliments that cloyed in his throat. He settled for biting his lip and nodding. Chad stepped forward, claws clacking against the tiles- and Victor stood between them.

“As the resident hybrid: I say you don’t count. This is a spell at worst, illusion at best. Right Mal?” The Harvard bat looked around the dragon, waiting for the thumbs up from Malevola. She was grinning instead and Victor felt the hot breath of a pissed off dragon on his face. His snout flared, “Dude, tic-tacs won’t kill you-!”

Chad’s tail curled around Victor’s leg and waist, tossing the bat into the chairs without a second thought. The dragon neared his prize, the sparkling, wet partner that Chad’s instincts screamed to take to his penthouse and curl up with in bed. Herman closed the gap, taking off his gloves and tracing the new scales. His damp hands dried on Chad’s skin as he inspected the new features.

“W-wow! You’re really… this is f-fascnating!” Herman circled his partner, investigating everything. His hands shook as he felt Chad’s tail, the difference in the thicker scales closer to his back compared to the finer, almost snake-like skin of the underside. The tail lazily wagged, tailfin dragging across the floor with a light scrape. His wings folded, relaxing under Herman’s touch. “Guys are-are you seeing…w-what are you doing?” Malevola was holding several twenty dollar bills, collecting a few from Victor and passing half to Alice. 

“We made a bet.” Alice responded, counting up the cash. “You’re staying with him right? Because I’ll need to give Bobby a cut later.” She pocketed the cash and Chad’s tail stopped its wag. His hands captured Herman’s waist, pulling his beloved gem closer to his chest. Chad picked him up and sauntered over to the group. Waterboy was thrilled, giggling and flushed as he was so casually carried by his taller boyfriend. Chad seemed not-pleased by the bet.

“Which fuck bet I would leave my Aquamarine?” He growled, claws dragging against Waterboy’s wet suit. There was more cash being passed through a portal, divided between Malevola and Alice. A quick count designated over five hundred being spread. “Who bet?!” The door cracked open, hitting the wall and Royd stepped in, notebook in his hands and glasses on his nose.

“So, da suit can be fixed but it gonna be different, bro.”  He looked up from the book, noticing the current settlements and Herman still clutched betwixt Chad’s claws. “Damn, you already got every bugga? You gonna need to split da pot again, Chase just submitted his, bra.”

Royd flipped the page, scribbling something down as Mal and Prism let him in on the winnings. A neat, paperclip-d stack of cash got passed over to the women that got counted in. A growl escaped Chad’s throat, grip tightening on his boyfriend. He rested his head on top of Waterboy’s, steam clouding up from him. Herman patted his jaw, scratching the new scales on his face. 

“Well damn, it was fifty-fifty,” Alice looked over the book, splitting the count again. “Five hundred and thirty-five bucks, six-to-four in favor.” She reported, looking back at her friend and breaking out into a smile. “Though I’m thinking of starting a pool myself…Whatcha think Mal- eggs before next month or-?”

Flames rose around Chad’s ears, steam clouding more of the room. Malevola and Alice were laughing, Royd was trying to vent the steam out, and Victor was starting to calculate bets on the success of their mating chances. Herman started giggling, softening Chad’s glare as he looked down to his boyfriend.