#discoveringhumanity

I would rather have thought poorly of you, than have my thoughts be true

breaking down at 2am because i have no idea what im doing with my life but any way i can change it won't fix my issues. i live at home and i love my family and im saving for grad school but i hate my job and i feel like a teenager and im only getting older and people expect me to just move back after grad school when im trying to leave leave leave leave leave but im scared so so so so so so so scared i can cut my hair or get another piercing or change my wardrobe or get a tattoo but all that does is waste money and that's my issue i can't get a second job and im stuck with a bullshit part-time job that won't let me go full-time and no job will take me now that im six months away from moving away so now i can't get a different job and i can't get a second job and im trying im trying to hard but what else can i do i can't apply harder and most places i live near aren't responding to me or they aren't open for a morning shift and i'm just so unhappy this is the first time in years ive considered if im depressed today was just so bad for me mentally and it all started because i didn't get enough sleep last night and my brother woke me up to take him to school this is the second time this month ive had to do that and the third time this month he's missed the bus (yesterday he missed the bus but asked out other sister to drive him) and then i was so tired i slept from 10 until 1:30 and i was tired back at 10pm but now it's almost 3 and im just going to ruin my sleep schedule but im so restless and i want to do something write a book make a youtube channel run away stay at home go to bed go to bed go to bed go to bed so now im dredging up old accounts and posting instead of going to bed i should really just go to bed but i want to change i need to change i need to have a better job i need to leave for grad school now and get my degree and get a better job and face the world with a brave face but instead im crying in my room like a teenager with everything changed in my life since then but nothing has changed at all i want to lose weight im already healthy i need to work out im healthy enough i dont want to move on my days off my work is tiring its stupid they won't give retail workers chairs im on my feet all day they hurt they hurt they hurt so so so so so much i need to clean my room but where do i put my stuff im holding onto my childhood while trying to stockpile for my adult life but im an adult now but im really not and i hate everything and im tired from crying and i need to change i need to fix things but what is there to fix i just need to go to bed