#discardphase

All up in the feels yesterday. I realized Im not taking care of myself the way i should be and that is why Im no feeling my best. Not eating right, not exercising, not meditating. No wonder. Ive quite vaping, major life change for me. Its like i make progress in one area and digress in others. I need it to all come together. It will, i have faith in myself that i will do what is best for me. Read a post yesterday about the discard phase in narcissistic abuse. It hit home on every level. That was by far the worst part for me. So bad i had a break down and went to a mental hospital 2x. Up until the discard there was a predictability to the dysfunction.  The discard was like a switch was flipped.I no longer existed. He could no longer fake anything with me. He was done with me. It was like i was trash an he threw me out. The more i pressed for answers there were no answers. the answers were i was crazy i was making shit up. I still struggle with this. i have to remind myself that i am not trash. i am not trash.Just because someone treated me like trash does not make me trash. Im sure i have complex ptsd. I have the symptoms. I will say this... it is getting better. The demons i fight are in my head. I ask God every morning to bring me a good man. I beg him. I remember a long time ago I told Nicole I wanted a man in my life who had a story. I said i didnt want t be the only one fucked up in the relationship. I know now what i meant by that. I want someone who will let me see their demons. the things they fight, the parts of them they are learning to love and accept. This is what i want for myself. Someone i can be me around and i wont have to pretend to have it all together.  It is getting better, i am getting better, i will continue to get better. I will forever be on this journey to learn about myself and love myself. It will never end. I hope to someday find someone who wants to learn and grow with me. Someone just as complicated as I am,no surface bullshit. Someone willing to dive deep.