#dining's face

Had a little TVL premiere viewing party with @animalceramics today 🍷🧡 We decorated some cake and biscuits (Daniel & Gabriella, plus Eric's two Armenian vampire drawings). Nail polish inspired by Armand's eye colour. Leather trousers, of course, and an unbuttoned shirt (be the cleavage you want to see in the world show 😌).

January: Gotta have a dino selfie 😃 A Galentine's weekend in Maastricht with my two besties 🫶 We visited the natural history museum, which was great

April: Once a year some friends and I go on a day trip to Germany, this time we went to Essen (and lemme tell you there was a lot of essen going on 😋🥨🍟)

May: Debuted a new, slightly more butch look during a dinner with friends at a yummy Lebanese restaurant (and got some compliments, yay!)

August: A fun weekend in Amsterdam with (nearly) our whole friend group where we did karaoke and of course had more delicious food 🤤👌

September: Needed a new relaxing hobby after becoming unable to work (thought it was partly the Crohn's but it looks like it's probably chronic stress and autistic burn-out related), so this day I went to a thrift store and bought two puzzles 😌

October: Found it very hard to enjoy my holiday to Italy and Switzerland, which shows how badly I was/am doing mentally. But still thankful for the experience, the moments of joy and the company of my dear friends ❤️

Last year I expressed the desire to make more online fandom friends. Instead, I accidentally manifested a girlfriend 🤭🧡 We met on AO3, really hit it off and it evolved into a long-distance relationship. It's been quite the journey, and something I did not think I could ever have or experience. It's been rather healing. I love her and although there is much uncertainty in my life right now, I know I want to build a future with her.

As mentioned above I am currently unable to work (and struggle doing a lot of other things). Things quickly feel overwhelming and I basically feel like a shadow of my former self. Despite stomach pain, a low appetite and persisting exhaustion an MRI scan showed no Crohn activity, so I'm still off medication after my surgery last year. It seems to be psychosomatic instead. Thankfully I am starting group therapy in January. There I hope to learn how my autistic and perfectionist ass can function without burning myself out. What are my limits, how can I manage my own expectations without punishing myself for failing to live up to my own standards, etc.

A hike in the snow in January

A train ride in March. Read this fun and fascinating book called 'The Last Spring of the Dinosaurs' by awesome paleontologist Melanie During (also had the pleasure of attending a lecture of hers this year)

It's giving 'Girl Who Is Going To Be Okay', but in actuality the sun was shining in my eyes during this hike in April 🤣

More dinosaur shenanigans in a Hannover museum in October 🦖

My solo album cover 😝 Made during a trip to Scotland in October

And lastly, from that same trip, the kind of big dick energy that I would like to exude more often 😎😂

Started this year pretty depressed. Luckily I received help and am definitely mentally in a better place at the moment. Will continue seeing my autism life coach for at least 10 more months, because my self-esteem is still extremely low and impacts everything else.

Healthwise I finally had bowel resection surgery this year! 🙌 I really hope I'll be able to get by without any Crohn's medication for a few years at least 🙏 They told me I'll be getting an endoscopy in January, so we'll see.

(I also sought help for my excessive hair loss, and my scalp has since improved. Hopefully my hair will become a bit more full again 🥺)

And I've been thinking about dipping my toes back into fandom servers on Discord. Been avoiding it because my social anxiety is pretty severe. But I also miss it 🥺

OOTD. Black turtleneck & blood-red lipstick. I wonder who my inspiration was 🤭🩸

OOTD (Well, last Saturday, the day of my birthday party)

Some really good stuff happened this year. I went on two absolutely wonderful holidays (to Ireland and Southern Germany) with cherished friends. Achieved my dream of seeing basking sharks in the wild. Embraced my inner Barbie. And am now a permanent employee at the job I started at last year, which is a great position to be in.

Of course life isn't all pink and dinosaurs. My Crohn's disease started acting up again, increasing my fatigue and decreasing my appetite (don't worry, I love food so I'm still getting enough calories). Which meant another MRI and maybe a change in medication (will know more next week). Also lost some more muscle mass, and experienced hair loss due to my meds, doing wonders for my self-esteem (not). At prolonged times throughout the year I found it difficult to engage in fandom and family/friendships, feeling pretty apathetic and low, unmotivated, negative, lonely, self-hating and a lot less joyful than I used to be.

Luckily my neighbourhood coach took my mental state seriously and applied me for the Social Support Act, so I can get coaching from an organisation that specialises in coaching people with autism. (A lot of my self-loathing stems from feeling different/abnormal/socially challenged, also I struggle with finding balance between alone time and socialising, especially with the added Crohn exhaustion.) I'll be starting this January, and have been trying really hard not to fall back into another downward spiral because I'm sick of feeling that low. It's a daily struggle, but better mental health is definitely worth fighting for!