#dimsam

Or maybe you won't know what love is ever like.

Kesel gak? Kesel. Banget. Jarang2 quality time berdua. Sekalinya call diem2an. Kamu gak cerita kalo gak ditanya. Cewe mana coba mau ribet2 nanya, namanya punya hidup itu ya diupdate. Diceritakan tanpa harus ditanya. KENAPA SIH AKU HARUS MENGHADAPI KAYAK GINI. Sejak kapan sih ngobrol sama kamu jadi se membebankan ini? Jadi se harus cari topik ini?

Aku gatau hatiku yang seberat dunia ato kamu yang seberat itu buat sayang sama aku mas. Maaf kalo aku banyak mintanya, maaf kalo aku banyak kurangnya, maaf kalo aku belom bisa jadi cewe yg pengertian sama kamu, maaf kalo aku belom bisa jadi cewe yang ga pernah bikin kamu pusing.

I'm sorry for everything, that may hurt you or hurt myself.

Do you care about me like i always care about you?

Do you remember each detail of me like i remember yours?

Are you proud like I'm always proud of your everything?

Do you feel guilty every time im mad at you like I'm always begging thousands of sorry to you?

Do you feel loved enough by me, not like me who feels not loved enough?

Do you still love me?

Do you love me despite everything?

Aku seneng kamu masih keliatan sayang aku, aku seneng kamu masih ngabarin aku kalo kemana-mana, aku seneng you still tell me good night and i love you everyday. Tapi aku sedih kamu gak begitu keliatan bangga punya diriku, aku sedih how you always seem to prioritize your friends more than me, how you seem to prioritize your friends' feelings more than mine.

Kamu ga suka kalo aku sedih terus, tapi juga kamu terus yang bikin aku sedih kayak gini. How would you react to that?

Aku capek, tapi aku sayang kamu. Aku pengen merasa diperjuangkan selalu, tapi aku ga bisa ngerasain itu. Aku iri sama semua orang, tapi aku berusaha mengubur itu dalem2.

Udah sebulan lebih kita gak main bareng. I could only cry in my room every single time now.

Keadaan makin berat buat kamu. Ekonomi keluarga km memburuk, motor km skrg ga cuma buat km doang, waktu kamu lebih banyak kesita buat main sama temen krn km ga enakan.

Mas, little did you know, i wished you to understand what i felt every time kamu main sama temen kamu dan ninggalin aku gitu aja. Aku juga pgn kamu tau kalo aku jg mau di "ga enak" in sama kamu. I dont like your friends, and i wished you knew that.

Aku tau kamu ga suka sama aku yang ribet, aku yang banyak mau, aku yang marahan ini. Maybe i did asked for too much from you ya dengan keadaan ini? Even your spare of time? Aku sedih sama fakta bahwa you always looked happier when you're with your friends drpd waktu kamu sama aku. Was i never been your source of happiness all along?

Aduh sumpah kmrn i literally just think about how overreacting i am. Ada seribu satu alasan kenapa aku seharusnya bisa gak banyak ngambek sama kamu. Tp kalo udah mengedepankan diri aku sendiri, mau beralasan apapun you're a bad boyfriend to me. Kamu udah bikin aku sedih, nangis, marah, kecewa berkali-kali, how could i not say you are?

Udah dari sept ato okt aku kepikiran dimas berubah. Idk he seemed a bit off. He doesn't look like he's still interested in me. Sampe akhirnya kapan itu aku meledak. Aku ngeluh ke dia. Aku ngeluh kenapa aku gapernah dianter pulang lagi pdhl dlu dia selalu semangat banget nawarin pulang, aku ngeluh kenapa tiap aku protes dia selalu gets so defensive and all. Dia mengerti and he is willing to change himself for the better. Dia minta maaf karena gapernah begitu peka akan apa yg aku mau krn dia beneran gaakan tau unless i told him. Tapi ya sebagai cewe ya, demanding him things feels weird doesn't it. Or is it just me. Krn aku ngerasa kalo aku banyak minta ke dia, dia nantinya jadi mikir aku ini berlebihan, ato aku ini banyak mau, or wtv lah semacam itu. Dan aku gamau dimas mikir begitu ke aku. So i just swallow everything.

It's hard at first. Di awal setelah aku curhat itu, tiap dia beralasan sesuatu krn gabisa several things, aku berusaha ngerti walo deep down pgn ngata2in dia di depan muka. Makin ke sini, denger semua alasannya bikin aku bingung. Kenapa kok kayak ribet banget ya. Kenapa kok dia jadi ky cewe juga ya. What cinta said is true? That all the boys are such manchild? Aku mulai questioning ky gitu. Krn like the fuck you mean you dont want to ask for my availability for call just because you dont want to be rejected OOOHHH little boy i would spare my time for you always bitch dont act like i dont love you that much.

I always had the thought of just bursting my tears out when I met you, when I hugged you close, or when we're just filled with the silence. I wanna cry out of the blue just for you to hug me close and for me to pour it all out in front of you so i wouldn't feel my sadness didn't pass through you. Aku pgn tangisku itu gak cuma aku yg denger. I want you to hear my cracked voice because of your childish behaviour, because of your... Efforts to change aren't actually changing.