#dilated

As if you don’t know that, as if you haven’t been told a million times, and as if you haven’t tried. What can he offer you that centre after centre can’t? Sure, he’s a superhero, but how much experience does he have with the everyday person? It begins to anger you, that a man who deals with intergalactic forces therefore thinks he’s automatically qualified to help with the complex issue of addiction. Who the fuck does he think he is? The Avengers only deal with physical threats, and big ones, at that—what can he do for you? A woman who’s given up on getting her life back on track—a life she didn’t even like, mind you, even before all this. If anything, you feel his interdimensional experience renders him less qualified in the intricacies of the human mind.

“Thank you, for your concern,” is all you can reply without being overly rude. You pull your knees to your chest and shiver, drying sweat suddenly making you feel cold, or just on edge. Steve leaves for a bit and returns with a blanket, which he drapes over your shoulders. How did he know where to get a blanket? Was he snooping around? Did he find something?

You pull the corners of the sheet covering you into one of your fists, sitting on top of your shaking knees.

How do you get him to leave? He doesn’t seem to want to, and could you really ask him to do that after he was so kind? And how can you just tell Captain America to get out?

“I’ll check myself into rehab tomorrow,” you lie. “Just wanted one more night, I guess. I know I have to stop, I’m not in denial or anything.”

“If you were going to check yourself in you would have done that already,” he counters, with a look halfway between an eye roll and a frown in nature, like a teacher disappointed in a schoolchild for passing off an excuse as to why they didn’t do their homework. “What are you on?”

You shrug, because you genuinely don’t know; a few months ago, you overheard some people at a club saying Sharon’s got the good stuff and followed them to her, asked her to give you whatever she gave them, and it hit, so you never asked for the name.

You can’t tell if he believes you or not before he swerves to his next question. “Who do you get it from?”

You pause, unsure if you should say; of course you could: getting Sharon in trouble with an Avenger might be good revenge, but you know she’s a little more powerful than she lets on. You narrow your eyes at him. “Why should I tell you?”

He sits, leans forward—forearms resting on his muscular thighs—with a stoic expression. “Because if you don’t, I’ll make your life hell.”

A chill runs down your spine and you pull the blanket around you tighter still.

“I think you should leave. I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“But I have a lot to say to you.”

You’re almost in awe at this change from the Steve Rogers you see on the news. Sure, celebrities are fake all the time, but he’s a superhero—furthermore, he’s some American Golden Boy: the absolute definition of The Boy Next Door, he represents the American ideal.

Yet now, now he might as well be holding you hostage in your own home until you listen to him, those bright blue eyes reporters and cameras adore are suddenly dark and scary.

“Look,” he goes on, voice low, “I was gonna do this an easier way, be nice, I just wanted your help.” Why would he need the help of some random woman? You are one hundred thousand percent sure there are literally billions of people more qualified than you. “But now…” his jaw clenches and he looks away, bobbing his knee up and down a few times before settling and turning back to you, gaze holding some unexpected and intense sincerity to it. “Now, I need to start making orders. What Sharon’s involved in is bigger than whatever you know, but she’s also been really close to us—the Avengers—and will know basically any move we make; SHIELD, even our most top secret agents, she knows about them.”

His switch from threatening to sincere seriousness makes you hesitate.

“And so,” he goes on, “We need someone on the inside, and someone she’d never suspect.”

“Do you honestly think I’m in any condition to work?”

“Sweetheart, I don’t give a shit. This is bigger than you, or me, or any single person. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do for the greater good.”

This time, you can’t repress the disgusted snort you let out, unsteadily climbing to your feet. “Mr Rogers, I thank you for your service to this great nation, but I don’t love this soil enough to bow down to risk my life,” you say as you make your way to the front door. You open it and look at him expectantly.

Surprisingly, he stands and walks over to the door without protest. He stops just before he steps into the corridor, leaning down to speak into your ear, his voice having dropped to a dangerously low tone, “You risk your life by saying No to me.”

Your breath catches in your throat for a moment and your lips part as he slowly straightens himself again and fixes his jacket over his shoulders, tugging just harsh enough so you get the message. And you can do nothing but stare up at him with wide eyes through wide pupils, shaking slightly, but you can’t tell if it’s because you haven’t had your fix or if you’re scared.

He gives a tight-lipped sort-of smile before leaving and closing the door behind him. For good measure, you place your palm against it, straining to hear for what would be his disappearing footsteps, but you’re so unable to focus you can’t tell if the rhythmic sounds are your heartbeats or his steps. With shaky hands, you put the key in the lock and turn it, not before dropping it a few times. And you can’t help but feel a little silly doing it—as if a locked door would keep Captain America out. With a sigh, you push off the door and make your way to the kitchen, swaying as you rummage through the little food you have for painkillers, your head throbbing like it’s pumping constant blood straight to pound right against your eardrums. You pop a few into your hand and throw your head back, pretty much downing them without water; the powdery taste wouldn’t bother you so much (in fact, you’re not really sure why your sense of taste is weakened) if it didn’t invoke a weird burning sensation scratching against your throat, which you counteract by downing a large glass of water.

Suddenly, it’s unbelievably hot, and you drop the blanket from your shoulders, carelessly stepping out of it as you stumble out of the kitchen, vision swaying as you feel your way to your bedroom. There’s definitely something a little off, but with your other issue, you really can’t be all that bothered why your bedroom no longer feels like a safe space, but a representation of how stuck you are.

✯

When you wake up the next day, after throwing up a few times in the bathtub, you actually feel better—only a little, but light no longer blinds you, makes you hiss like a vampire, and it seems your body temperature is adjusting to normal; you’re not longer excessively sweating and shivering and unable to decide if you’re going to freeze to death or overheat and melt into a puddle on the floor. You decide you need to get some food down if you want to be in any condition to go for a walk, a little one, just to feel like you’ve got some control and can function as a regular person, or at least pass for one.

You freeze in the doorway of your kitchen: the blanket is gone. Your senses must still be out of whack, because you didn’t hear anything, or smell anything, but on the counter sits a plate of eggs and a glass of orange juice, with a note tacked onto the cup. You tentatively step into the living room, eyes flicking up and down for signs of life. Nothing. The front door is still locked, too. You know it had to have been Steve who made the meal, and you seriously doubt he would poison you, but something about it feels dangerous, like if you eat it, you’re certainly losing a game of some kind, or sending a subtle message of submission, which he’ll no doubt take and run with. But you really need to eat. You pick up the plate and walk over to the bin, contemplating whether to scrape off the food or just be grateful.

“Don’t be rude.”

You shriek and let go of the dish, but instead of shattering to the floor, a strong arm catches it and the voice lets out a chuckle.

“You clearly didn’t read the note,” he scoffs as he sets the plate back down on the counter. He raises his eyebrows at you and rolls his eyes. “Your heart’s gonna explode if you don’t calm down. Really—eat.”

You flinch when he puts his hands on your shoulders from behind, but are helpless as he steers you towards the barstool at the counter, giving you a pat on the shoulder when you sit and walking back to the other side, watching you expectantly.

You avert his gaze and drop your eyes down to the eggs he’s clearly carefully prepared and plated, a neat presentation sitting in the centre of the plate. He places a fork down next to you and the soft clutter feels too much of a strain on your ears, making you wince.

“I know the feeling,” he says. “Sensitive hearing. Took me a little bit to get used to it—back in the day, your thumping heart would have driven me crazy.”

Again, he brings that up, and your face twists, something like disgust vaguely playing at the invasion of privacy. As if being in your home wasn’t enough, the respite you could have taken in your thoughts is exposed, too—sure, he can’t read minds, but his irritating (and nearly scary) ability to notice the slight changes in your physiology might as well grant him the ability to detect changes in your mood.

You pick up the fork, gripping it tightly in your hand, digging your elbow into the marble countertop as you think, feeling pressure from his stare on you. You clear your throat and instead turn your attention to the glass of orange juice, with a sticky note attached to it. You lightly tug it off and bring it to your eyes, trying so fucking hard to get the letters to stop swimming.

You’ll feel better is written in cursive with a smiley face next to it.

Your gaze flickers up to him, and he offers a smile like the one he drew. You drop the piece of paper and direct your attention back to the food. You can’t refuse it anymore. Carefully, you pick a little with the fork and bring it to your lips, closing your eyes as you chew and then swallow. You can’t really taste it, but after a few seconds of it going down, you feel a little better, like the fog in your mind is slowly clearing up with each bite you take. When you finish the plate relatively quickly, you look up at him skeptically—of course it was expected you’d feel better if you got some food down, but you can’t really believe it’s just that that’s making you so much better so much quicker.

He winks at you as you take a sip of the juice. “You scratch my back, I scratch yours.” He grins. “That stuff would be a lot more potent if you were half as decent right now. It’s nearly as strong a dose as I got all those years ago.”

⍟

You’re struggling to really comprehend what he’s saying; you know he asked if you’re okay, and then?

“Can I take you home?” his voice comes through hazily.

“Wh- What?” you ask, the question immediately flying out of your head as your eyes rapidly scan the streets, like looking for signs of danger, when you’re sure there aren’t any.

“Can I take you home,” he repeats, slowly and louder. You turn your head to wipe your face on your shoulder as he continues, “I’m Steve. Steve Rogers.”

That’s Captain America, no?

With your eyes less blurry now, you’re just able to make out the blue eyes and golden hair under the warm streetlights.

“Okay!” is all you can muster, and you’re not sure to what he took it: okay to take you home or okay that’s his name? Maybe you should give your name in response but you don’t, you can’t. When he asks for your address, you snap something at him that you think is where you live, though you can’t tell through your irritation; he’s really agitating you for some reason; he’s done nothing, but he’s got you annoyed, or maybe you’re just annoyed in general after Sharon cut you off. You wonder why, because it’s not like she doesn’t have a supply, and it’s not like she cares whether you live or die.

You stumble a few times and sway slightly as you stay just a little ahead of him in beat to get to your flat but refuse his offer of a strong, steady arm around your waist to keep your stable. You don’t want to touch him at all, feeling hot and hotter even just walking beside him, everything radiating heat, but especially his body.

You get to the entrance of your building and push your shoulder against the door to stumble into the hall. You don’t notice Steve come in behind you under he places a large hand on the small of your back and you jump in fright with a yelp, whipping around to face him.

“Sorry!” he apologises, “I’m sorry, but I really need to make sure you get in safe. Is that okay?”

You wish he would stop talking, and you guess he knows you’re not really processing what he’s saying, but you don’t really have the drive to snap at him, just letting him trail you as you walk up four flights of stairs to get to your door. He stays alert behind you, ready for you to fall backwards and into his arms, but you make it, surprising even yourself.

You fumble with your keys, ignoring his offer to help as you drop the key four times before you get it in the lock and then another three trying to turn it. You don’t kick off your shoes, don’t take off your jacket or even pull your sling bag off, you just crash face first into the couch and fall right asleep.

✯

Steve is surprised at your exhaustion. His first guess was heroin withdrawal but that’s more likely to cause insomnia, and then he worries you may have died in front of him, but your breathing slowly returning to regular and your snoring assure him you’re alive. Well, barely.

He has to stay overnight, how can he just leave you like this? Tomorrow will probably be worse, you can’t be alone by yourself right now. He’s not sure if he should pull a blanket over you, take your shoes off and rest your head more comfortably on a pillow. He decides to leave you, worried if he takes one thing off he may not be able to stop.

But he should probably get something to help you, right? And he needs a glass of water himself. Your kitchen opens right into the living room so it’s easy to find. He pours himself an ice cold glass, sipping it as he walks back to you and settles in an armchair across from the sofa you’re passed out on. Your place isn’t really decorated; he can see lighter squares against your walls, and wonders if you sold those pieces of if you’ve recently moved and a previous tenant took their frames.

Maybe you’re an artist; he’s heard artists are tortured, a lot of them do drugs, or maybe a musician; he should probably check your bedroom to be sure, just to learn about you so tomorrow he can get you the appropriate help.

There are only two doors, one leading to the bathroom. He’s immediately drawn to your medicine cabinet to check if you’ve got anything here, because if you do, he needs to get rid of it. He finds more bottles of sleeping pills than needed and a prescription for depression or anxiety meds, making a mental note to flush the sedatives down the toilet in a few hours; not now, he doesn’t want to wake you.

Adjacent to the bathroom is what he assumes if your bedroom door, which he is right about, and as messy as expected (he wondered how your living room, kitchen and bathroom appeared tidy enough—if you were in this state often, you’d definitely be unable to maintain even basic cleaning). Maybe you didn’t use those rooms. Not even the bathroom?

Clothes are scattered on the floor and pillows and blankets have been thrown off the bed, sheets too, leaving a bare mattress with a small bloodstain on it. A desk sits by the window, looking out to just another red brick apartment complex, with a broken laptop and scraps of paper cluttering the surface and the ground, a small bin overflowing with paper and broken pens.

He finds a manuscript laying on the floor—so you’re a writer—and finally he can put a name to your face. Should he clean your room, or is that really weird? In less than an hour he’s developing this caring instinct, and he tells himself it’s just his job, Captain America wanting to help everyone and all, he’s a superhero after and before all.

Steve gets another cold glass of water and settles in his seat across from you. For the first time tonight, you look at peace; your eye lids aren’t moving as rapidly, your breathing is steady and deep, your limbs aren’t trembling, muscles aren’t cramped, and your wild sweating has slowed, though he can still even see the layer sticking to your skin.

✯

When you peel your eyes open, you’re grateful for the overcast weather, though you’re still a little blinded by the light. You feel like pure shit: weak and sore with a pounding headache and overwhelming nausea. You turn your head to vomit off the couch, surprised to land it in a bucket waiting for you and not your stained carpet. Blinking is hardly helping as you try to get your lashes to unstick each time they flutter. Your heartbeat is slow, slow enough that were you feeling more aware, it would concern you, and you wonder if you’re dying.

You’re hardly regaining full consciousness when your gaze finally lands on a man sitting across from you. You scream as you sit up and jump further back into the couch, but you can’t hold yourself up for long before you tumble back to the cushions, your shoulder hitting the edge making you wince in pain and heavy head lolling over the armrest, straining your neck.

“Relax, relax, you’re gonna hurt yourself, you need to calm down. I’m Steve,” he introduces himself in a friendly manner but he doesn’t smile, instead scanning your face with furrowed brows like he’s looking for any injuries.

He looks like the man from last night, yeah, and it takes you a few moments to grasp that he’s Steve Rogers, Captain America himself. Your breathing rate increases as your mind races to find a reason as to why Captain America is in your apartment. You vaguely remember being turned away again by Sharon last night, and you remember someone mentioning she was dealing some more serious shit than what you needed, had he found out about that? Thought you were an accomplice? Or maybe you were in danger; maybe Sharon had found out you knew and was going to kill you, and he was here for protection. Did you do something really illegal last night to the point one of the world’s greatest superheroes had to watch over you?

“I know who you are what are you doing here?” you plead for an answer, desperation coating your tone as your heart beats wildly.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” he coos, taking a step towards you and keeping his hands visible, like approaching a stray dog, “I was really, really concerned about you last night, I couldn’t in good faith leave you, I had to make sure you got home safe.”

But… it’s the morning. Did he stay all night? You kind of hope he did instead of leaving and somehow breaking into your place when you were passed out, if anything.

You’re shaking, and you can’t tell if it’s from withdrawal or if you’re scared. But why would you be scared? You have the world’s greatest protector concerned with your health and safety. Something about him is unsettling, and at first you think it’s just your agitation finding reasons for anxiety when there are none. He was just being nice, being so much more helpful than you could have ever asked for, but you can’t help but wonder, wouldn’t he have better things to do? More serious threats to take care of? Why would an Avenger prowl the streets and take such an interest in a random woman rather than an inter-dimensional threat?

Something just isn’t sitting right, and you can’t tell if it’s your scattered imagination or a real possibility of danger.

⍟

} next part; [Food]