#dil dil

Bad character cannot be fixed, it is one hundred percent a choice, it means they are not classy and do not possess any kind of grace or quality or sophistication or humility within them, and you have to leave them to their mess. It sucks when they are around you and you have to deal with it, but it is worse to get involved in their drama. It is the greatest gift and blessing in the world not to have to be them, not to have to be around them, not to have to be so small and pathetic internally as they are, and to be able to say goodbye and get away from them after the forced, cursed, wretched circumstance is over.

Keep it that way.

Remember, it is not an accident. People like this know what they are doing (and what they are supporting) and they are unashamed about it. They only feel embarrassed about the consequences, but without any, they will not stop, because they know what they are doing and they think, without any witnesses to their ugliness, that it is okay and that they are truly just "worth more" than other people. They are okay with mistreating you. They witness their own actions. They are fine with their actions and their choices and their attitude. The only thing they are not fine with is the consequences of being found out, as in social shame or public backlash, aka the loss of status. These people have bad character. They witness it and say nothing because they actually do not have an issue with it. It is not something you can change and it is not nuanced.

And it is not acceptable for someone to participate in or watch idly by while you are mistreated and not stand up for you. Those who matter to you and who value you will always say something (case in point, even distant friends and even friendly acquaintances in my life). If a persons character shows a real lack of value and respect towards you, or care and consideration, you don't need to understand it. Just move accordingly and do not entrust yourself to then and remove them from a position of respect and trust in your life. They are not a good person much less a friend. If people change up on you, respond accordingly with no emotional labor or confrontation, simple logic of recognizing that it's not okay and you dont have to deal with it or put up with it and you do not need to ever give this person your regard again. And that means that you WILL NOT continue to give this person any regard, whether or not your emotions are following suit immediately or not. It means you won't whether or not you still feel attached.

She probably told him i was always watching him or monitoring him, since she made that weird and projecting comment at me about the janamaz one time. That I was obsessed with him and always paying attention to him. That would make any interaction weird. And since i did get bored and annoying and clingy being cooped up along indoors, he probably took it to heart in the creepy way she said instead of seeing things objectively.

She probably said i was trying to take her role as his emotional confidante or place of rest, because he did get weird when I told him to calm down in that hideous traffic, as if it was a really ridiculous thing for me to be giving him advice. He got furious. In fact, he suddenly reminded me in that moment of badaam, that barely concealed seething hatred, rage, and disgust that i would even dare speak. I didn't understand what the issue was considering we were literally stuck in a standstill in bumper to bumper traffic. Nothing left to do but enjoy the time since all five of us were definitely going to miss the sunset at that point. But he got so angry and acted disgusted at me for even saying anything.

I don't know, it's everything. Like when i asked them what they thought of the theory that we're living out our memories and instead of telling me if they believed it could be true, he snapped that someone else had already come up with that theory, implying that I was trying to claim it was mine and win points for uniqueness or magical whimiscal manic pixie dream girl vibes. Like no, i was asking what they thought about it, not trying to show off about being fake deep. But it was the immediate negative interpretation of it, the bad faith take, without even a moment's thought of what I was actually asking or saying. Just a projection of my intentions.

Just weird. The whole vibe was weird. I do think at the end of the day, he must have bought into that whole narrative, and after that anything I have done, including being basicly polite, contributed to his preconceived beliefs that I was into him and giving him attention. Any response to his own messages, any question about what the plan was for everyone today, any bored laziness and plea to go to a shop and just do an activity outside, becoming a piece in a narrative about my insidious intentions to be loved and admired by him. I would have gotten creeped out too. Every text would feed into that narrative. Obsession, even when it was normal. He would have ran the other way. He could tell himself every word from me was me chasing him.

Well I'm not going to play into that flattery that he's giving himself. Im not playing such a role and it is quite self aggrandizing for him to believe himself that guy. He flatters himself and it's easier to believe that. No wonder he got immediately weird with me. He started acting disgusted, uncaring, dismissive like i was a burden and gross and he wanted to discard me or get as far away from me as possible and prove to me that he didn't feel close to me. He started acting hella uncomfortable out of nowhere about me even acknowledging him.

When you look at both behaviors together you realize he is an unreliable weirdo who doesnt respect me, doesnt treat me consistently, and the only explanation is that he either has extreme internal issues that are not my responsibility to endure, or he's a weird psychopath and I can't trust him to be normal.

If we had remained together, fallen in love, married each other, ended up together, then that character would have eventually come through, turned into contempt and superiority as in his nature, and he would have abused me over time, misused all the trust, sacrifice, generosity and love I gave him to feed his own smallness. I was saved.

I was always made of something better than him, different, even in childhood, and i knew that. I had integrity, and he never did.

The same story of every guy who needs to be likable, the good guy, never take ownership and always escape accountability, always taking the easy road, always so easy going and helpful, but never honest to anyone, and the brunt of that dishonesty and performance will always fall on the role of his supportive assistant whose life revolves around him, that is the wife. And if he loses feelings or something happens, he will never tell her. Easier to cheat than to divorce. Easier to lie than to admit the hard truths. Easier to maintain the performance than to be honest in life. Can never lose the performance of being the right guy. It is always about what appearances matter. But he was always lustful, a coward, a victim complex, a chip on his shoulder, a need to maintain appearances, a lazy man who avoids the work, a pretender, and a performer. He wants what is easy in life and easy for him, and will throw the hard choices onto others. He is jealous of women and competitive and resentful of their status instead of protecting them. His masculinity is fragile so he had to be the funny man and the follower in order to buy inclusion into the group. He is a user and a social climber. He is desperate to misuse someone for a bit of power because it is the only time he can feel powerful and feed his ego, as the world could never value such a weak hearted man. He has always been a coward and run when it is time to protect the more vulnerable. He fights those weaker than him to feel better about himself. He wants to be liked by the world and maintain appearances, not to have integrity and be worthy and do the work regardless of reward. I was saved from a badaam.