#dieana

I’m wasting money at school. I don’t deserve all these support. I can’t even pass that one major subject I was taking right now, I’m too dumb and stupid to spend thousands on. 

I ruined my ex-bestfriend’s life. Not that I think she’s hopeless, but I drained her. I did the wrong things to her, and not a thing from it I can ever take back ever. Maybe this is the reason I won’t be able to replace her. I won’t have a girl-bestfriend. I can’t stand anyone’s company anymore. It’s like if I get too close to anyone, I’d just ruin them again or I’d ruin myself. But I’m ruined, so it’s nothing.

Now, I think I’m just ruining my boyfriend. I’m such a worthless piece of moody shit and I don’t think love even exist in my whole identity. I don’t know how to take care of people. I don’t know the word fair. I don’t know how to treat him right. I don’t even know who’s right or who’s wrong anymore. I’m so needy, and it’s irritating him. It just hurts so much to see that irritated eyes from the one you love. I hate myself for ever existing.

Maybe if I stop existing, I wouldn’t have to waste anymore money in college. I would stop ruining everyone. I would stop being me, and the world is so much better without me. Though I know the truth, it still pains me to wake up everyday knowing all of the things written here was true. I wish I won’t have to feel all this anymore. I hope I would stop feeling anything at all. Or, I would just stop living.