#diarytext

I can’t think happy thoughts

No thanks to you

Hello again. I don’t have anything to say. So I'll talk about my grandmother’s day.

She woke up at 7:30 am by my mom, because it’s time to take her medicine. Or maybe I need to say, one of her medicines. She consumes about 5 pills. One is for her heart, and she takes it since around 20 years. And the rest are for typical old pain like osteoarthritis and blah blah.

So, she takes some of the pills and went back to bed. What i know after that is- when I woke up around 3:30 pm - she was talking alone like always. And my mom was far away trying to not hear her. So I asked my granny to take some food. She was happy. So this is what we did.

At the evening, we started to watch tv. She said to me: “You, listen and tell me, ‘cause sometimes I don’t understand what are they saying”. But, I really don’t care about the news. They are always talking about irrelevant things. Yep, because all the people are in their home, and they’re not fighting, stealing, and all the things that probably the news want to talk. So, what are they talking about?

Well, they need focus on a new dramatic thing. We all know Covid-19 don’t affect kids really. So, who is the population at risk? I know that you know the answer. It’s old people... is my grandmother. 

So well, my work on these day is try to make up any speech for her. ‘Cause when all the tv is talking about that old people can die... I think that the people in the massmedia don't have old near family. And I think about all the old people who lives alone, without a granddaughter like me with the patience to reassure them. And I'm tired of handling the news in a nimble way, burning my brain to say: Oh, the older women aren't really dying. All who die are men who have smoked throughout their lives and have other previous illnesses.

But, this is why I studied a lot at the high school, and now at the University. I knew beforehand that this would happen. So I have the ability to manipulate the reality of television titles. Could it be that I just developed this ability to take care of my own grandmother from our everlasting friend called TV?

At night, I my granny fell asleep as always. And when she woke up, she didn’t know where she was and started asking questions out of place. I’m trying so hard to know that this kind of moment is more and more natural... or isn’t it? Well, I can't take her to a hospital, so please, God, give me some strength.

Hello I know you are there. So, if you wear glasses, please put them on now, because what I’m trying to say is very important. I need all your attention.

It’s hard to say this but, it’s completely necessary. And I'm not trying to be funny like I always be. Or what? You never laughed when you read me? No? Oh, I'm very disappointed now... of you style of humor. Come on, I'm a very fun person. Why didn't you laugh at my stories? Don't you know that it's not easy for me to write fun things in another language? So, I’m waiting... Imagine that I'm putting my ears in your direction. Why I still can't hear your laugh? Wait, why are we fighting? I’m here to tell you something very important and you are trying to distract me of the objective.

Huh, ok. Let's start again. I don't know what happened to me. Maybe I am too nervous. I'm going for my fourth cup of coffee now. And, oh my god, I have no time. Maybe this text will be publish one day late. Sorry, because I know that you are very strict with the schedules. Please don't be mad. I’m trying to write as fast I can. Did you see that I use a lot the verb “try”? If you didn't see what I’m saying, you can go to my old posts and see it with your own eyes.

I was thinking on that. I’m always saying “I'll try this..”, “I tried to do my best...”, “I'm trying to.. I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying...” Maybe is because I never sure of what I want to do, and I’m going around on my life trying to do all I can and trying to know what I want to do. And, it’s no so different when I speak on my native language. I’m always using the same verb a lot of times. 

I've been thinking, I’m always trying to justificate that If I make an error, well, all it’s OK because I was TRYING. Maybe, it’s all about that I don’t want to make any errors? So, I will never say in an imperative way: “Hey, I will do this and I'm sure of what I’m doing, I don’t care the result”. But everyone cares about their results, right? This is why everyone is fighting and competing with each other. But what about people who face this situation differently? I’m talking about that people who don’t want -or don’t like, or even cannot- deal with this characteristic of the society. Am I part of this second kind of people? Or maybe, if one day is necessary, I will be like all the other people, fighting for win the best place? I don’t want to being scared of society, I want to be what I want, but at the same time, I don’t want to be like them. Is that possible? But, you know what is my response now... I will try to do my best. Because It’s all I can do.

But, sorry, I started to write this post trying to say another thing... But,