#diaryofdulchie

He sold1of the 2 cars over the weekend. He has been constantly high since the 11th. he sleeps inbetween, but never goes one day without it. as he wakes up from sleeping, he just gets more.

he told me initially that the money for the bike was to cover about 2 months rent. upon selling the car, ha said that he can now pay the resnt for this month... im too scared to ask him about anything, as he starts yelling and makes it a fight.

nothing has changed, in fact it seems to be getting worse. his moods are so unpredictable. im starting to keep the kids away from him, for fear of him snapping at them for nothing, which has already started happening.

So after sleeping the whole damn Saturday, he woke up to get in his car for some more.

He gave me money for take aways last night, and also some money to get a few groceries today, but he was awake the whole night.

i want to sit him down and tell him that if he is going to start his own business, he needs to stop it, as he will die if he doesnt stop. but how do i support him, when he chooses to carry on. drives me insane that he cant just make the decicion to fucking stop. he has done it before... but its getting really bad. me, who has seen all the ways this plays out, who has been there through all the almosts, and all the 'oh fucks'. this is getting bad.

but i know in my heart thtat a sit down with him wont do any good.

it never has.

he feels superior now, because he has money. and he is being very nice, as he will shortly need my help to do things for his company. its just after 8 in the morning, and he has already left. apparantly to pick up a printer. i noticed that he got himself a laptop as well. SMH. nothing. i can say nothing.

i will attempt a sit down. but i still cant wait to get out of here. not having to deal with this bullshit anymore.

So he sold his bike in the week. trelling me he wants to start his own business (this has been on and off for going on 3 years now) and he used some of the money to get started. bought tools and registered a company and such.

also manipulating me, telling me i need to help him get clean, i need to support him. the fuck? give me something to support. ive tried. asked what can i do that will assist him in not giving in to the impulses to go and get more. and nothing! he just comes home already high. how do i assist with that? he needs to take the steps to ensure he is pulling his weight. but that doesnt happen.

so its been a week, and last night he was all over the place. its like his brain couldnt communicate with his limbs anymore. he almost dropped our son, he was in the kitchen, making a sandwich, and it sounded like a war zone, things falling, drawers banging, canisters being knocked over. he couldnt even walk properly. i was preparing to wake up and find a stone cold body...

i dont even know what to say anymore. guess i will just keep this up to date, as the Lord only knows i cant wait to get out. take my kids and leave. we deserve better than this. our son cries everytime he comes out the room. he runs after his dad, and when the door shuts in that little boy's face, his heart breaks a little more. he cries so deeply. how do i explain to him that its not his fault? this is scarring my baby boy for life, this will cause abandonment issues. how can i as a mother fix this? i can get the fuck out! and im working my ass of to get shit done. im looking forward to the day i can leave, and not return to the toxicity that is this relationship. im not even mad, im just relieved that the end is in sight.

So its Monday. I woke up on the Sunday that was yesterday, to a message. What this lovely message said was, and I quote;

"I want to apologize for what i am doing to you and the kids. im realising that its very selfish of me. im pushing away the people who are closest to me for no reason, and thats my family. its all on me, its no one else's fault. ive read up on how to stop. i miss you with my all"

i did not pay attention to it, and he did some things yesterday morning that is very out of the ordinary, like sit down with his son for a while and watch tv. i knew this was another 'cry wolf'. but like the idiot i am, i was hoping it was real.

just to come home today, and find him high again. first thing he said to me was "i know im weak" i just laughed and walked away.

i keep hoping and praying for a different outcome. we have 2 kids dammit! but he does not give one single fuck.

i did shed a tear, one tiny, very quick one. and then i realised that the day i get to walk away, i wont be listening to anything he has to say, because its all bullshit anyway!

So its Saturday. After he slept for two days, and we were at the devil-stage of his come-down, he went and got some more.

we barely speak 3 words to one another. i keep to myself, he keeps in the room. this is getting tedious and im pretty over it, but i know that change takes time. im doing everything i can, giving my all to try and prove myself.

side note - i asked him earlier this week for money as the kids needs some things (clothes wise) and he said we will look at it on the weekend. i asked hom this morning, and he said he didnt say he would he said he'll see, and he's busy. he mentioned that he had to go to work, but he did not. busy huh?

im working really hard towards a better life for my kids. i owe them better. ive gotten a really good idea and i feel like im going to action it. i know im good at it, and with today's technology, u can create your own opportunities, and thats what im gonne do.

i look at him and feel sad, seeing him melting away, dark eyes, twitching mouth. i guess i will always care for him, but the love has long died. i want to go in that room and jump his bones, but i know that no matter what i do, it wont change him. nothing will make him change his mind - i know this because i have tried.

so im off to set action to my idea, the babies are at their grandma's. so i have a little time to myself.

So he has been sleeping it off since Sunday. and today he went to get a doctors note as he claims to still not be feeling too well.

i come home, knowing i should expect some mad vibes and fight picking or him high all over again... it was the latter.

im not even mad anymore. it is what it is. i asked him for money to but some things that the kids need - clothes wise. he said we will see over the weekend. i wouldnt have to ask him, but 100% of my salary goes towards the stuff i gotta pay. im guessing about 60% at most, of his salary is towards things that need to be paid. which is not fair, but hey, what can i say. ive been told that it is his money that he works for and he will do with it whatever the fuck he wants.

just putting it out there - for record purposes.

so here i am, sitting up with the kids, he is in the room, ignoring ourexistance and my mom went to bed early as she had a terrible and long day. im a bit pissed to be honest, the kids are all over the place, but hey, id gladly sit up with my kids (even while being a lil ticked off) because at least i choose to be around for the crazy moments and memories...

so we are on day 2 after the sleeping it off.

had to isolate as he was exposed to a positive person. so we are all at home, fucking marvellous.

so now he wants sex, and im really not in the mood to give it to him. he hasnt showered in 2 days.

so after plenty times of saying no. i get shouted at, not to have anything to say when friday comes (pay day) and he does it all over again. i am not to say anything or be any type of way about it.

this man does not see me as a partner or an equal. im much less than that, and it all shows in the way he treats me.

how does one go about pretending not to give a shit???

So he has been high again, since the 11th.

same old shit. he made a plan for money on the weekend to continue this bullshit. he came to wake me up at fucking 2am this morning, looking for smokes. i was pissed.

its so sad that ths is normal in my house. its normal to my kids. dad is either at work or he is sleeping. (not really sleeping, just keeping to himself in a room with a closed door) so he might as well not even be there. leaving this situation would not be a challenge or affect my kids anyway. dad is never around to bloody begin with.

im not even mad anymore. im numb, dead. i try to keep it as civilised as possible, because i want to smack sense into him so badly.

working hard to get myself and my kids away from this nonsense.