#diary-ish

It’s still the same night. But I’m sad. I went to watch a movie with my dad, but then he had to go lay down my brother so I came back to my room.

Now everything just feels cold and sad. I want something to hug but I don’t have anyone.

I just wish I weren’t so sad.

I feel like I should go to bed.

I’ve thought about killing myself before. But I like life, I guess. I don’t wanna just leave forever. There’s happy moments in life.

Right now though, there’s just sad.

Suicide is a no.

I’ve thought about self harm, too. I’ve tried it.

Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it feels good.

Sometimes it just makes me more sad. I don’t wanna do it.

My brother came to visit me today. In my room. It was cool I guess.

I feel alone.

I just want someone I can count on.

Someone that won’t go away.

But , tumblr, you can’t help that much. I want someone who’s here. I want someone real.

Real enough to hold and hug and cry too.

I’m not saying you guys aren’t real. But I can’t….you know.

I just

I’m still looking to fill the void. But yet again I’m gradually little by little creating myself a new. Making a few formerly deemed “bad decisions”. The other day I felt obliged to attend the house warming of my former best friend R. I barely had any choice since I hadn’t seen him in 3 1/2 months. The day prior to that party I quite spontaneously hung out with A-chan and she invited me to a frat party. Albeit I knew I’d regret going to the house warming I stood up to my word and went. It was terrible. No one had anything in common with me and even the small talk was forced. The thing I was told by another person attending which summed up that part of the evening for me was “Well, my life’s never as interesting as yours”. That’s entirely up to you, really.

Oh well, since I had a good excuse to leave “early” (after 5 hours of torture of which I spent about 3 1/2 checking the time) I excused myself saying I had to help a friend moving the next day (which also was the case but since my night didn’t end then I overslept pathetically).

Dear Self, 

I know you’ve been busy for the past months; a year actually. Your life revolves around work and house chores right after graduating. And the only time that you can give your self is when you tuck yourself in bed, have your fingerprint scanned by your phone, and talk to people you don’t know. 

You feel empty, I know. But the fact that you can still interact with the people around you, giving them advice and sharing your thoughts in life... don’t you think you’re just over thinking? It’s mentally, physically and emotionally tiring, yes. But you’re brave. You’re tough. You are generous enough to not let your tiredness hinder you from making others feel that everything will be okay. That they’re not alone.

I know the most days you feel alone. At the end of the day, you’ll lock yourself in your room and lay down in bed realizing that you feel empty, alone and depressed. But that’s all right. It might be here for a while, but I promise you, you’ll pick up yourself. You’ll get up one day, feeling ecstatic of waking up realizing you’re self-contained. 

Open yourself up. Don’t be afraid to talk to me. I’ve got you and you’ve got me. It’s us against the world, right? Try to be more open to risks, ya? Tell me I’m wrong when I say you close up like a clam every damn time someone wants to be close to you. I’ll pick you up, don’t worry. It’s not just about you now. We’ve got to be responsible for each other because we’re all we’ve got. People don’t understand me the way you do, that’s why you’re the best. You make the best banana pancakes, even though I hate bananas. You make me hate the fact that I like you so damn much.

Who wishes they had a significant other who would say stuff like that to them? Haha. It is kinda jealous to have someone other than your mom or dad dote on you or worry about you like that. I was just writing random stuff and then this became that then these became those, but I digress, I only wanted to write to myself. An update, if you will, that I’m still alive, well (relatively), and most definitely kicking. You(me)! You’re doing a good job of not fucking up the breathing part of living, as opposed to selected stuff.

Haha. I think I might do this more often, alongside the poetry stuff. To anybody else reading this besides me, this is kinda pathetic, right? Hahaha! It's sad, really.

Hello, mooncheae!

it’s been a long time coming! i know right? it’s just these past few months have been really packed i barely had time for my self - to have time to feed my soul. i guess that’s what caused me feeling overwhelmingly emotionally drained. i was falling short of everything i had in my life and it dissapointed the hell of me.

but this too shall pass, shan’t this? well, i promise you, mooncheae, i’ll be back when i finish mending my broken self. i’ll be back with the more-cheerful-and-more-energized-than-usual-mooncheae!

à tout à l'heure! 

from yourself,