#diary passage

After the events at Xedilian, Lord Sheogorath has instructed me to study and understand his two courts. I’ve decided to start with the Court of Mania and Duke Thadon. The Duke revealed to me that he suffers from an addiction to Felldew. He sent me to retrieve a chalice that will cleanse him of the bad effects of the drug.

To enter the Burrow, I had to take Felldew myself, which made me understand Thadon’s urgency. The high is amazing, but the withdraws are violently painful. Making my way through the Burrow, I had to periodically take the drug in order to not crumble under the weight of the withdraw. Feeling it flow through my veins, I cursed myself for getting myself in this situation.

Entering the Sanctum, I found a group of people also addicted to Felldew, using the chalice to never fall from their high. I tried to reason with them, but in their drug fueled frenzy, they wouldn’t listen to me. I didn’t want to fight them, their suffering was enough. I felt the same screams as I did when entering the isles, but this time inside me. The blue glow from my hands swirled around me before erupting out and enveloping the addicts. They let out earth shattering screams, shaking me to my core at the raw fear in their voices.

Shaking it off, I took the chalice, drinking from it to wipe away my addiction. When I got back to Thadon, he placed all of his Felldew inside it and drank from it. I personally believe that defeats the purpose, but to each madman their own. My next task is to learn from the Duchess of Dementia, but i am exhausted and still recovering from the after effects of Felldew.

I’m currently in my room in the House of Dementia, the stone walls providing a comfort I haven’t had since Martins death. My heart still weeps for him and just thinking of him brings tears to my eyes.

[three circles dot this passage, most likely from tears]

If I had only been faster. If I brought Martin to the Temple instead of to Ocato. If I had fought Dagon myself. If I stopped Camoran sooner. So many things I could have done. So many ways his death is my fault.

That’s enough for tonight. I am going to walk through Crucible, maybe give Cutter a few of the Madness Shards I’ve found. I don’t know why, but the damp alleys and dirty roads calm me. I believe it’s because they remind me of the Asylum, how little I do remember.