#diary entry?

I have always been a good student. the kind of kid you hold up as an example because ‘look at how much studying they do’. A mini genius with certificates that mean nothing but you show them off anyway, a tiny piece of paper telling everyone I’m smart.

And I never had to try. It was always easy to be the best and be smart. It was easy to have friends and act like I knew everything.

And then it wasn’t.

Because then I didn’t know what I had been doing right.

Because then I didn’t know how I talked to my friends without lying to them. I was perfect right? Why wasn’t I perfect anymore?

It was a slow kind of crash. A gradual descent that I didn’t realise until I had already fallen down. Because if I’m not smart, then what am I? 

I’ve always been smart, I’ve always loved reading and writing. I’ve always been good enough. But that’s all I’ve ever been.

‘The smart one’ and ‘the nerdy one’ and ‘the bookworm’.

What do I do if I’m not smart anymore? Who am I if I’m not smart anymore? 

Because now there’s unread books that I should be reading and empty pages that should be filled and I don’t know how I did it. 

“You’re such a bright student”, people tell me, my parents and my teachers and my friends and a thousand other voices that crash together like cymbals ringing in my ears “Why don’t you apply yourself more?”

And now I’m getting examples of people I should be like.

And I can’t help but ask : “Am I not good enough anymore?”

Because I’ve always been enough

Just in this weird friendship limbo where I'm mad and still wanna go at it, but I also wanna pretend it never happened and pretend like it's all fine. But also the last times we fought, I apologized even if she instigated. I don't want to apologize this time and I think if I don't extend my hand first, she never will.

Strangely, there is a river right by the beach; the sand roughens

into pebbles and stones and even rocks. You have to dig

the rocks out from the sand, brush them off to reveal

the shine and sparkle in the Grecian sun. I threw those rocks

into the river with you, scampered over the riverside to find

the flattest stones, flung them sideways. You were better

than me, skipping them all the way across, and for a moment

you forgot the stiff contortions of your body, forgot

that you had a body, only remembered the beautiful mechanism

of your arm, and your bones turned hollow, the stones flew.

I remember learning to skip stones when I was ten, hot

frustration burning a hole inside my stomach until I saw

the leap across water, so quick you could miss it, but I didn't

miss it. I saw it jump like a waterbug, flashing in the sun.

I didn't climb up the cliff, my knee still twinging with pain,

but you did. I didn't think you would, but the sun woke you up

unexpectedly, the river with its loamy algae and bed of stone.

Just before the climb, you picked up a white stone, to me

ordinary. I did remark, however, on its beauty, because

you showed me, you put it in my hand. You looked at me,

said take it, I took it. Look at this one, I said in response, holding

another white stone veined with red, and you saw me again,

She huffed, "It's way beyond his bedtime, how do you still have this much energy young one?" I laughed at her annoyance towards the young child. Even the two younglings behind us giggled in response, too busy to give their full attention yet attentive enough to hear their elder's frustration.

"Give him to me love, he just needs the right lullaby." I took the boy into my arms, gave her the warmest smile i could muster despite the cool ocean breeze. I couldn't pinpoint my feelings towards her, but the way her noir locks hid her blushing face made me feel was enough to let me know we must've had a romantic connection.

"Oh, ate can you sing that witch's song from the halloween movie we watched?" The taller of the children who were admiring the scenery voiced a bit loudly, her sibling nodded in agreement. My eyes fell towards the woman in red next to me, even her eyes told me this song piqued her interest.

I smiled at the children, pinching both of their cheeks with my free hand. "I guess it couldn't hurt."

I hummed a few notes, letting the breeze calm my hot skin before singing, "Come little children, I'll take thee away.." My voice echoed through out the forest full mountain side, the waves of the ocean beneath the cliff clashed and blended with my singing. The night has fallen, the stars twinkled brightly above my head as the infant in my arms cooed and giggled, the effects of sleep and tireness not yet reaching his youthful body.

The two children, who were walking behind us in their frilly dresses and shoeless feet, now trekked beside the woman and I's sides. They seem unbothered by the cold, yet my companion pleaded the opposite. Her footsteps ragged slowly beside me, the coldness of the autumn, ocean breeze slugged her steps. Yet even then, she managed to catch up to my "fast" steps and coo at the infant.

As we reached the tall, wooden building we called home (it was more of a bamboo, wooden treehouse to be honest), the two children ran up the steps in a race, their laughter vibrating even the bridge we were walking from. My foot was about to make contact with the rocky step when a hand stopped me from moving forward. Now, the boy in my arms was long asleep, but I managed to twist my body enough to see the woman in red without waking him.

As awkward as it could be, a smile flashed on her red lips. Her red dress imitated waves of blood in contrast to her flawed, yet porcelain skin. Even the moonlight couldn't help but make love to her body, the cruel breeze kissing her cheeks, tinting them red. I raise my brows in concern and confusion, but instead were met by her blood red lips.

I froze, not because of the cruel breeze, but because of the warmth of her arms wrapping themselves around me and the baby's figures carefully. I could feel my body- no, this body leaning into her more. My face moved away from her neck and my eyes stared at her eyes, the cliche movie scene of time stopping once i saw her dark brown eyes playing.

"You, my dear, are a godsent." She muttered, leaning her forehead against mine while we carefully trekked up the stairs.

I laughed, leaning my body into hers while eyeing my steps. "I'm merely a normal person whom you met the same way you met those two rascals."

She rolled her eyes, "Ah yes, so humble as usual." She stopped us midway.

Before she could rest her lips on mine, i heard a sudden beep and a voice somewhere, probably behind me.

I opened my eyes to find myself in a cuddle position, only this time instead of the baby boy and the woman I grew fond of..

It was my stuffed pillow, poorly crumpled and folded in my arms. The rays of sunlight not even bothering on knocking through my window pooled on my wooden floors, the annoying sound of my alarm blaring through my ears.

Immediately did I turn it off and hastily go back to sleep, wanting to come back to the woman in red, the feeling of her arms and the indentation of the infant still in my arms and around my body.

But no matter how many times I flipped and moved around on my bed, nothing helped me go back to that same dream.

No matter how many fake scenarios i made up to help me come back to her,

The harshness of reality woke me up, over and over and over.

*Diary mode, activate*

So I met this dude, right? He worked with me on a group project in the astronomy class we were in. He’s fairly attractive, is taller than me (even though he’s one year younger than me, I’m 21), and his sense of humor is amazing. Plus, in addition to him making me laugh a lot, I made him laugh a lot, as well. Also, at least twice, he told me that I was the coolest girl in the class.

My two closest friends, one of whom is married and the other engaged (so I’m the single friend), went nuts when I told them about this. I’ve never been able to gauge when a guy is flirting with me, never have been. They said he was definitely flirting with me. The thing is, when they looked him up on Facebook, it said he had a girlfriend. This sent me tumbling off the hill of hope real fast. Only thing is, I didn’t break anything in my fall.

I sent him a friend request on FB and he accepted it. Yesterday, after about two weeks after I did that, I worked up the courage to send him a message. It was just a standard “hey, how’ve you been?” convo. Now, I hope to begin the process of simply making a good friend out of him. I only have two good irl friends, both of whom are girls. And even though I have a good guy friend in my 2nd cousin, I really would like to have a dude friend who isn’t related to me.

*sigh* Long story short: I took a step. A big one, in my eyes.