#dexter rewatch

The tragedy of what happened to his mother, sure, and the trauma her death caused, and the way it made him fascinated with blood and death...that much is obvious. But what I’m seeing now are things that, for whatever reason, escaped me before. Things like his adoptive father seeing this fascination with blood and death and, instead of treating it as an unhealthy coping mechanism for his trauma, seeing it—and more tragically, explaining it to Dexter in such a way that he believes it himself—not as something he could possibly heal from, but as a fatalistic, permanent, and defining aspect of who and what Dexter is. Harry’s belief that Dexter just isn’t normal, and never can be, and the way this shaped Dexter’s own sense of himself and the possibilities his life could hold. The way Harry uses Dexter to fulfill his own cop vengeance fantasies that he can’t enact, and the way that Harry’s subsequent suicide makes Dexter feel like it’s all his own fault.

And there’s the fact that Dexter builds a normal life for himself first as a mask to hide what he thinks truly defines him, but doesn’t even question the idea of this side of his life as “false” until midway into the show, when he begins to see that he is just as capable of meaningful human relationships as anyone else is, and that his brokenness isn’t something unique to him but a feature everyone shares, though in much less extreme ways. How he only realizes, after so much personal loss and tragedy, that his “need” to kill is only a passing emotional state that doesn’t control him, and the way he only realizes this after so much killing when it’s too late to live a life uncomplicated by murder and criminal guilt and murderous habits.

The way he, based on Harry’s beliefs, makes decisions and prioritizes things in ways that seem very small at first, but it’s soon obvious, cumulatively, that he’s unintentionally hurting those he loves in ways that don’t stab but cut like paper.

And the way his ultimate decision that his “fake” life—his career and relationships—is the most important thing to him, and he doesn’t want to lose it, the way this realization comes too late because at this point he’s already given up so much to the altar of his hidden life that so very little of the “normal” life he now values so much is even left at this point.

And of course there’s Deb, and her love for him, and how it causes her to make so many bad decisions, so many instances of giving up her own self for him, and the way this culminates in such a horrifying way for her at the end of season 7—we’re not really even sure if the shot was intentional or an accident, but that doesn’t matter, not for her. It’s so tragic. And the way that she’s so overcome by horror and grief, for herself and for Laguerta, and the sheer agony evident on her face as she breathes, “I hate you,” a line that not even the subtitles caption—you just have to pay attention and listen or be able to read her lips—Damn.

And above all, how things didn’t have to be this way. If Harry had had more faith in Dexter as a child. If he hadn’t—just like a cop—believed that people’s dark sides are the most important things about them. That people are either good people or bad people and that the former need to be protected from the latter at all costs.

*spoilers for dexter season 5*