#devsdiary

About a half hour ago, I coughed up blood.

I am going back to the hospital today to figured out whats wrong but my heart is bracing for the worst. So in the event that what I'm most worried about turns out to be whats wrong with me, I want to say a few things before my mental breakdown that will indefinitely follow.

Up until this point, my idea of mortality had only been facing the fact that I live but not the fact that I may die. My body, though it is not in the best condition, has endured so much. I always figured I would reach old age before my body turned againts me, or that I would have suffered an accident far more severe than anything that would be deemed minor. But one day, I get sick. I take meds thinking im getting better, but I'm not. Something lays dormant inside, waiting. It surfaces, I see a doctor, I get more meds, and I think im well again. But still, it remains dormant... waiting. I thought it was all in my head. I thought that maybe my old panic attacks were surfacing and that I was freaking out over absolutely nothing which, based on my track record, is something I do often. But when I went to the hospital and found out that I was indeed sick, it made me doubt myself even further than I ever had. Why did I believe I was crazy? What is is about my personality that made me so confused and incapable of believing that maybe I am RIGHT; I am ill, and its not in my head. Lately, reality seems unreal to me. I wake up and wonder if I am truly alive. Lights don't seem as bright, music doesn't sound as sweet, feelings are slowly turning into random bursts of lethargy. I am emotionally dying and if I'm right about whats wrong with my body, I am physically dying too. I'm trying to cry and be afraid but something inside of me feels like i deserve this. Something inside me feels like this is all in my head. Something inside me is horrified and just wants someone to hold me and tell me that I'll be okay but in my heart, I cannot believe that. So before I step foot in North Shore's ER, I want everyone to know that I am sorry. I had a responsiblity to myself to stay well, to stay healthy, to remain mentally stable but, like most things in my life, i failed somewhere.

My mother will be here soon to drop me off there...

If you believe in God, pray for me. If you don't, hope for me. If you believe hope is irrational, wish me luck. If you dont believe in luck then lie to me. Its what I've been doing to myself for so long.

As much as I wanna be happy, it appears being... this... is what I am. I never really gave much thought to my mortality other than the fact that I have to live. But I see now that I'm wrong.

Somewhere, in the deep darkness of my mind, an almost incoherent voice is yelling "Its going to be okay. Just hold on.."

been a while.

here goes.

If I had to sum up my life in three words it would be "I dont Know" I dont know what I'm going to do, where I'm going, why I should even wake up tomorrow. I just dont know.

I cant talk to my mom anymore, at least not how I use to. My mother has spent her whole life trying to do the right thing for herself and her children. She works so hard... but we have a similarity. We dont get out of life what we put in. She's struggling. I can see it. She has turned to Christ for support. She doesnt yell at me like she use to. She doesnt scream or get angry. She doesnt throw a fit over the little things. She worries about me, if I'm okay, if I'm well. She worries about me. She is suffering. She is hurting. She is worried about so many things not only in her life, but in mine.Seldom do we really sit down and talk cause its so odd. We both can see it in each others eyes. We are tired of being tired but we cant change the odds. Im so sorry mom.

I've been sick for a few days. Pneumonia. I have panic attacks when coupled with pneumonia make for mini disasters. I just wanna be healthy.

Remember when I use to work in a restaraunt? Well... I'm gonna try to go back. I need money...

I am finally able to hear the songs we use to listen to together, he and I. They dont hurt as much anymore. When he calls, my heart doesnt go as crazy. I dont cry when I think of him anymore. I dont freak out when people say his name. The urge to kiss him is now overshadowed by my urge to respect his wishes of distance. I dont flurt. I dont even text him late night anymore. I see him from time to time but I dont feel anything anymore. I just... dont. My hearts gone numb. Am I incapable of love? Have I lost my smile completely. I love him, But I cant love him. ... I have developed this belief that love is a lie. As long as I dont believe in it,the little things, the songs we shared, the places we visited together, your voice over the phone and in person, your name when spoken, doesnt hurt as much. As long as I dont believe in love, I can go on. Will I be like this forever? is this the only way for me to be? I use to believe in love and now i lie to myself. ... Maybe I'll meet someone who will change me for the better. Maybe things will just get worst. Maybe I'll end up homeless, loveless, worthless. 2015 maybe the year that everything just sort of ends. I been on a spiraling path downwards for a while and I think i finally see the bottom. I dont know.

On January the 30th, a recording studio I onced did some recording work for will be hosting an Open House. Lots of producers, and musicians will be there. I could maybe be discovered or soemthing but wishful thinking has never been my forte.

I have this thought that there is someone who follows me on tumblr who reads these. Whoever you are, dont tell anyone what you've read that I've written xD Its between me, you and tumblr. My way of venting i guess.

Of all the things I've written, I may delete this one. I dont know why.

Welp, thats it.

You know that phase in your life that you go through where you dont know what to do with yourself or where you wanna go in life? I've been in that phase for like 3 years. Even now, I sit here at my computer, shaking with uncertainty. I vent on tumblr all the time, but I dont think I'll ever be able to truly convey whats been happening to me through words. But for some reason, tumblr works as a good diary. Plus most you guys dont know me in real life so who yall gonna tell?

Anywho

I have a goal. The issue with this goal is that I have literally no idea what it is. Let me explain.

Over the past few years, I have come up with "projects" that I want to complete, but I have no idea how I'm going to go about making them a reality. They all require time, money (sigh), and tenacity. Heres the problem, I need money. In order to make money (at least for the most important project) I would have to work more. By working more I lose time. And not having time to work on these projects makes it difficult to complete because I have to really take my time to make these things perfect. As for the tenacity, it doesnt help that I've been feeling this crippling lonelyness. To be quite honest (and I'm certain I've said this before) I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I sometimes wish my life was one of those movies where the main character lacks direction or purpose then something amazing happens like they win the lottery, or inherit a house or get discovered for an unorthadox talen or something. But that shit never happens to me. You may recall me mentioning that I have no idea what this goal is. Well, I dont. My goal is to accomplish something big. The problem is I dont know what that thing is or if my projects will bring me any closer to this "goal". Like I said, no direcion. I'm aimless.

Started buying music books. Thought I'd go back to teaching myself. Its the least I can do.

Today I work from 11:15 to 5:30. Then, after that I'm on call which means if they need me, I have to stay at work...I may not be home till midnight =(and i still hate my job) Aimless, depressed, but I hold onto something. Something is making me go to work. Something is making me continue with these projects. I've been stagnant but recently I have had this urge to do something and I've started but I'm afraid to progress. This always happens. Right when I get to a point where I say "maybe I can. No harm in trying" is when my heart and mind go into this spiraling fear of failure. I get this feeling that I cant succeed and that I'm destined to fail. Not like I got any reason to believe otherwise, I mean, history has shown me that I tend to fuck up often. But maybe this will be different. Who am I kidding?

I really just wish I had just one reason to want to wake up today. I've been holding my own against the feelings of depression and anxiety but damn, I'm losing this constant mental struggle. Shit dude, just thinking of work today is making me sad. Gotta keep up the facade.

Lol, now I see why I'm single. I'm a fucking train wreck. Ah well.