𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐉𝐀𝐙𝐙: 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐲 𝐄𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧
All That Jazz is a monthly column written by Jasmine Silva. For all intended purposes, all the information Jasmine posts is considered alleged information and should NOT be considered fact for legality reasons. However, she’s fairly certain that her sources are reliable and would hold up in a court of law.
PAGE ONE: Stories of the Month
APARTMENT BUDDIES OR LOVERS?:
Look, I love a good back and forth love story, but can these two give it up already? @devonrose96 and @monixberry live together which, hello? That basically tells me that they’re fucking. It’s just like how I think Billie Puckerman and Maise Rose are 100% sapphic together. Personally, I think Devon and Monica should just put their friendship on the back burner and start making out. Who’s with me?
MAISIE’S BIG MEATY SANDWICH!:
While @maisierose may be known for crying outside of Breadstix and falling in love with every man she lays eyes on, I’ve got something crazy for you. She’s in a fourway! Not literally, but listen to this. Everyone knows it’s just a matter of time before @xjonahx puts a label on this Pisces, but she’s wooing TWO other men. Yep, you heard me. Sources say Maisie was spotted out on a date with @dearjacobsamuel. Apparently the embarrassment from Breadstix wasn’t enough, but she’s also been seen multiple times with @theomcintosh at Rosalita’s Roadhouse. If twenty years from now, Jonah, Jake, and Theo show up in Greece because a young girl invited them to her wedding, we’ll all know who the Baby Mamma (Mia) is.
THE HORRORS AT THE AMERICAN FAMILY MOTEL:
I love a good little sexual exploration. We all do it! But none do it like @xsethappeal. I know he denied it, but my sources told me that there was an orgy last week at the American Family Motel. So sorry to whichever Puckerman had to clean that one up, but Seth Evans wasn’t just involved... he was the ring leader of the whole thing! Everyone in attendance were either regulars at Scandals or random people Seth found on Craigslist. I suggest Seth take himself down to the local clinic!
CONT. ON PAGE ONE: HOTTIES @ THE LFD
It’s no secret that the firefighters of Lima are objectively the hottest men and women to walk the face of the Earth, but I’m someone who simply can’t wait to see those scandalous calendars so I’d much rather give you, my dear followers, my definitive ranking on who’s hot and who’s not (Spoiler: They’re all hot. Some are just hotter than others)
Coming in at number one is our very own firelady @hattiewilde! Resident turned Lima Newcomer, Hattie’s the girl everyone dreams to get under. After all, I’d let her save me from a burning building!
Coming in at number two is one of Lima’s many FDILF’s (Fire Dad I’d Like To Fuck) Puck Puckerman @firexpuck! Or is it Noah? Honestly, I don’t care enough to know because all I know are those washboard abs baby!
Coming out in our middle spot is @xjonahx! He’s sweet and hot, what more could a girl want?
And last but certainly not least, in number four we’ve got @firefightingryanc! Honestly, manz would rank number one if it weren’t for the fact that every time his trap opens, it ends in something that involves his daughter. Can you say BORING? Seriously, dudes a snooze fest.
PAGE TWO: Who Got Down & Dirty @ Breadstix?
Now, the moment you’ve been waiting for. I know, I know, Jasmine you know who everyone went home with? Tell me more, tell me more! Here’s the list of who went home with who and let me just say, I have a feeling we’ll be hearing shotgun weddings and positive pregnancy tests from a few of these bunches!
@hopeandtruth left a $200 dollar bill on her date with new beau @xsethappeal, demanding him to come with her. Can you say Dominatrix?
It’s no secret @blueberrysawyer and his date were macking on each other in the restaurant. Thank God they fled the scene before I had to see Breadstix porn. Although that wouldn’t be a terrible PornHub category, I guess.
Friend or foe? @theomcintosh and @hattiewilde are known for hating each other and their hot banter on the dash makes me need a fan, but turns out, the two ended up spending the night together!
While Maisie Rose ran out in tears and ditched @dearjacobsamuel, he didn’t let that stop his groove! My sources say they saw him getting in a car with a Breadstix waitress. Hot!
Good girl @annabananalima just couldn’t keep away from the older Puckerman boy, @firexpuck. Those two may be friends, but you better start adding benefits to the end of that.
Come on, there’s another Puckerman on this list? Well, while @lilyjanefabray wasn’t charmed by @elipucker, she was charmed by his Puckerman that lives down South, if you know what I mean.
Now, my favorite pairing. @clairestjames ended up on her blind date with her ex, @reldaxsmythe, but she didn’t go home with her nay-nay. Instead, my little sources tell me Claire was seen at Rosalita’s getting all cozy with @hunterxc. Alexa, play Best Friend’s Brother!
PAGE THREE: Monthly Rumors!
It’s no secret that I receive plenty of tips on a weekly basis. Some I end up personally talking about while some of the best end up in my column. Here’s the top SEVEN rumors that I just love (and believe in)!
@rossberryx is known for his luscious locks, but did you know it’s actually just a wig?
There’s a reason @smythemp3 didn’t stay in Paris and came back to Lima. He got married! But it didn’t end too well and after a pricey divorce, Sebastian had to move back home.
@limaboundblaine freaked out on a barista at the Lima Bean after she got his order wrong and threw his coffee at said barista.
@chandlerpierce won’t be in attendance for University of Lima fall semester. Why? Because she dropped out and joined the circus!
Did you know Salma Hayek is a good friend of the Smythe family? Apparently 30 years ago she had a baby that she put up for adoption. That baby? @reldaxsmythe.
@darcynderson and @stevievans are back on after he went to visit Darcy at her apartment.
@roseandprose got ditched at Breadstix just like her little sister. Apparently @firefightingryanc daughter was sick, but I have a feeling he just got one of his buddies to call him and say there was an “emergency”. I know I’ve used that excuse before.
