#devilbrakers

19. What values do they not share? How do they reconcile those differences? The most notable issue that comes up a lot the first few years of knowing each other is, of course, the mages debate. Eden is a huge advocate of mages' rights and won't sit idly by while knowing mages are still being oppressed, she often sides with Anders when it comes to these matters (and even more so with Merrill, thinking there's nothing inherently wrong with blood magic as long as it is not used for the wrong reasons), which Fenris obviously dislikes, quite a lot. But the thing is, a big part of Eden's life has been affected by magic, both of her siblings were killed by darkspawn and her mother was killed by a blood mage, yet her view of mages never changed. She understands where Fenris is coming from though, and makes the effort to meet him in the middle, but she makes it clear that to her, mages aren't dangerous or evil because they're mages but because they're just bad people. I think there's something that she says after completing the 'All That Remains' quest (I could be wrong and maybe Hawke says this after one of the other many encounters with blood mages lol) that's basically like, Quentin killed Leandra because he was a madman, not because he was a mage, he could have easily killed her with a knife if that's what he truly wanted. So yeah, it's curious to Fenris how she has suffered so much at the hands of mages but she never even thought of changing her mind. I believe he'll always be wary of them because of what he's been through, but she can help him be a bit more tolerant without invalidating his feelings.

The bleak sunlight that poured in from underneath the curtain of the single window in the living room barely raised the temperature inside his apartment. All it did was cast a single, bright ray of sunshine directly into Vitali’s eyes, an annoyance greater than his comfort on the twin size mattress on the floor to the point he found himself unable to fall back asleep.

He groaned and carefully rolled himself on his side, dragging the covers with him as he slowly attempted to get up. His entire body was sore; had not slept in the greatest position, but the sex he’d had with Nick the night before- pressed against the wall of the expensive nightclub’s hallway- had absolutely not helped either, and the moment he finally managed to stand up he nearly sank through his knees again from the pain in his upper right leg.

Consequences of his own actions.

Vitali knew better than to wallow in his misery, well aware he had caused it entirely himself, no one else to blame. It was not as if he would learn; next week he would make the same old mistakes all over again, a broken record doomed to play on repeat until his trembling hands would lose their grip entirely and he would spiral down into a freefall.

He managed to find his way to the kitchen, still wrapped in the covers as he opened one of the mismatched cupboards to look for a clean cup; could not find any and instead took a dirty one out of the sink, rinsing it a few times before pouring himself some apple juice.

His gaze caught his phone as he brought the glass to his lips, the cracked and dirty screen lighting up from the kitchen countertop beside his keys and wallet and showing- nineteen unread messages and eleven missed calls?

‘What the fuck?’ he mumbled under his breath, lowering the glass again and setting it back as he grabbed his phone instead, blanket over his shoulders dropping down on the floor.

Unsurprisingly so, all of it was Nick’s doing. It would not be the first time he had obsessively tried to get Vitali’s attention; far from it, in fact, a man desperate for validation as well as forgiveness each and every time he had done something wrong. Though as far as Vitali was concerned, nothing out of the ordinary had happened when they’d seen each other in the club- and his curiosity was winning over his exasperation.

Naturally, he did not hesitate when Nick’s name popped up in the middle of his screen again.

‘What do you fucking want?’ Vitali asked, voice possibly a little harsher than he had meant for as he quickly pulled his half-opened flannel back over his exposed shoulder when he heard loud knocking on the front door. Nick did not respond at first- and Vitali quickly figured out why, swinging the door open and instantly being met with the other man, holding up his own phone with an annoyed frown on his face.

‘Eleven fuckin’ times, V,’ he said, lowering his hand at the same time as Vitali did. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

‘Twelve, actually, counting this one,’ Vitali simply spat back, demonstratively hanging up and tossing his phone back on the kitchen counter from where he stood. ‘And you’re the one showing up at my place at fuck o’clock in morning.’

‘It’s two in the afternoon!’

‘Same thing.’

Nick cursed under his breath and stepped inside, tugging on Vitali’s flannel- drawing a protesting, somewhat startled scoff from his lips- to then button it all the way to the top.

‘You need to learn to put on some clothes,’ he muttered, brushing some of Vitali’s hair out of his face to prevent it from getting stuck between the buttons. A surprisingly gentle touch; Vitali sometimes forgot he was still capable of that, after everything that had happened.

‘I’m wearing clothes.’ Vitali paused, noticing Nick’s eyeroll and he punched his shoulder in response, not too hard but not being playful either. ‘Comfort of my own home! Get out if you don’t like it.’

‘More clothes,’ Nick sneered, gesturing at Vitali’s mostly naked legs. ‘And wear ‘em properly. I could see your tits.’

‘So? You’ve seen them before. Did not hear you complain yesterday.’

‘It’s freezing in here!’

‘What’s your fucking point, Nick?!’

Vitali’s voice nearly echoed through the whole hallway behind the other man and silence washed over the apartment, both of them taking a few steps back at the same time. Vitali watched as Nick clenched his jaw and briefly turned around to close the front door, then vaguely gestured around into the room.

‘Was worried,’ he said, and shrugged. ‘Didn’t hear anything from you when I texted if you got home safely. Jackie couldn’t tell me where you were. Jen has me blocked now, wasn’t of any fuckin’ use either- no idea what that’s all about. Where did you go?’

Vitali was not entirely sure how to answer him.

He could barely remember it, was the truth. Everything that had happened after he had walked away from Nicky in that sweaty and suffocating hallway was merely a blur to him now, though he did remember spending another good hour or two stumbling around before he had been able to find his way to the exit.

He vaguely remembered the rain; could vaguely recall getting soaked and taking a cab elsewhere, the air-conditioning inside freezing him down to the bone. He had not gone home yet- had needed more to be able to forget, to wash off the feeling of Nick’s hands on his body and to drown out the voice in his head screaming at him to stop and go home, get his act together while he still could.

‘Took the long way home, I guess,’ he finally managed to say, hesitance dripping from his lips with each and every word he spoke and Nick’s eyes narrowed a little.

‘Couldn’t find a moment to text me back?’ he asked.

‘Did not think you’d care.’

‘Oh, that’s foul.’

‘Usually you don’t. I don’t know what you want me to say.’

Another silence as a sharp, exasperated sigh left Nick’s lips and he averted his gaze to the ceiling. Acting annoyed, but on the losing end- Vitali was right and both parties knew that very well, Nick’s sudden concern entirely out of the blue considering he usually left his phone off for several days after an argument.

‘Why are you really here?’ Vitali asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest and taking another step back, keeping as much distance between himself and the other man as possible. Not out of fear; moreso disgust, unable to believe he’d let Nick do whatever he wanted to him, again, the money much needed but the aftermath and the memories of it embarrassing him to his core in a way he hadn’t even known was possible.

Maybe Jenny was right this time.

Not as if that mattered much. She hadn’t reached out to him at all anymore.

‘I just- wanted to apologize for yesterday,’ Nick mumbled in response. ‘Wasn’t all too nice to you, from what I remember.’

‘You weren’t, no.’ Vitali paused, licked his lips, and gestured at Nick. ‘Go ahead. Apologize.’

‘I just did.’

‘You didn’t.’

‘Fucking hell, Dobrynin-!’

‘What! Saying you want to apologize is not the same as apologizing-’

‘You’re so fucking pretentious, you know that?’

The sharp edge to Nick’s voice made Vitali scoff and he sucked in a shallow breath, adrenaline rushing through his system until the hairs on his arms stood up straight. His body was bracing itself; not expecting a physical blow- even Nick knew better than to sink that low- simply another mental one, a blow to his ego he would carry with him into the next week until his next mistake would come along and take its place.

‘Maybe you’re right,’ Nick bluntly said and threw up his hands in exasperation. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t’ve come. You’re not making it very easy to be worried about you, you know that? And then one day when you do need the help I won’t be here. No one will.’

‘Right, because every time before today when you weren’t there for me by your own fucking choice, that could not have happened, of course,’ Vitali mockingly replied and gestured at the door. ‘You are just trying to cover for yourself now. Get out if you don’t have anything nice to say.’

‘I love you.’

The statement caught Vitali a little off guard and he slowly lowered his hands, standing unmoving as Nick walked closer to him and cupped his face in both hands, strands of Vitali’s long, bleached hair getting caught between his fingers.

‘I love you,’ he quietly repeated himself, thumbs running in circles over Vitali’s cheeks, ‘and I just wish you’d let me.’

Vitali’s eyes slowly moved over Nick’s face- the little marks covering his cheekbones, the acne scarring roughening the skin of his cheeks and jaw, the little bump in his nose caused by a broken bone that had not healed all too well-

He reminded him of Mikhail, sometimes.

But they were not the same.

‘I’ve given you enough chances and you walk away every single fucking time,’ Vitali quietly replied, moving up his hand to place it over Nick’s and he softly kissed his palm. ‘What do I need to do to make you stay?’

Nick couldn’t answer. And Vitali knew that.

Both of them had fucked up more than enough times; both had walked away before, justified, sometimes not, in the heat of the moment or when things just got a little too boring for their liking. They got annoyed about everything they were and fought about everything they were not and instead of talking things out like normal people they would get drunk, get naked, and pretend like nothing had happened the next day.

‘You’re complicated,’ Nick finally said, gently brushing some of Vitali’s hair out of his face.

‘So are you,’ Vitali merely replied, making a biting motion at Nick’s hand who in response cupped his face and leaned in closer to kiss him, a somewhat metallic taste to his lips Vitali could not quite place.

‘I love you,’ he mumbled into the kiss, slowly draping his arms over Nick’s shoulders and pulling him closer until there was no space left between their bodies. He broke the kiss and buried his face in the crook of Nick’s neck- and the other man reciprocated the hug, one hand on Vitali’s back and the other in his hair.

‘Have somethin’ to eat, take it easy today,’ he quietly said, slowly pulling back and fixing the collar of Vitali’s flannel. ‘I’ll see you again tomorrow, okay?’

‘Okay.’

The silences that followed were always the worst.

Watching Nick walk away again, leave through that very same door he had only just arrived through and wishing he would stop, come back inside, stay just a little longer. Whether Vitali had fucked it up for himself this time or not, he was no longer sure; it was impossible to tell what Nick’s true intentions were. Vitali usually was nothing more than a stopover to him.

And of course he wished it was different. If he could have it his way, Nick wasn’t such an asshole all the time. Wouldn’t just be using him for his own pleasure, wouldn’t just come and go as he pleased without taking Vitali’s feelings into account. And in return, Vitali wouldn’t have to return the attitude.

Had Nick even started it all? He wasn’t all that sure anymore.

Vitali scoffed at nobody in particular and walked through the room to the window, sitting himself down on the windowsill to stare outside. He was still cold, but it did not do anything to him anymore- his head was elsewhere, and the shivers running up and down his spine were the least of his worries.

At least I’ll see him again tomorrow.