#dev thinks

First of all, I don't think I've ever seen a coma dream episode on any show, so I didn't go in with certain expectations in that regard. I was so excited going into it, and it made me excited to see how much everyone (and especially Oliver) was happy to promote the episode. I think he (and the whole cast and crew) should be proud of the episode.

I also wanted to wait to write this because I wanted my own feelings to settle with respect to the portrayal of the story, and I want to be really conscientious of the words I use. All of this is simply my personal opinion, and I believe it's the kind of story where everyone can interpret things differently, especially given how our experiences inevitably color the way we perceive any kind of media.

The majority of my gripes really boil down to two things that personally took me a little out of it:

a. coma!Eddie's story.

b. the Buckley parents and Chim's dad

(c. a little comment about "fixing")

Let's start with the good:

On the technical side, I don't pretend I'm any kind of expert. Either way, I really enjoyed the different camera movements and the way they portrayed the coma dream. Everything was off-center and just a little too everything—too bright, too "happy" (in certain moments), etc. The transitions were fantastic as well. I also loved the music choices and the way the audio from the "real world" would cut in and out. (okay I don't love Coldplay, but that's my problem lol)

In terms of the storytelling, I adore how Buck knew to go to Chim as soon as he realized that something was clearly very wrong in the reality he was in. Chim would absolutely be the person to to go to for that sort of thing (great job @hmslusitania !), and I generally really enjoy the big brother/little brother dynamic they have. I also loved that Hen was brought in almost immediately by Chim—in any universe, they'll be the best of friends. I love how Chim and Hen's friendship is very "show don't tell" in that we see them joined at the hip, bantering, feeding off of each other's energy, etc. It doesn't ever feel forced to me.

The other part of the story itself that I really thought was strong—if not the strongest part—was seeing Maddie with Doug again. It hurt. Bad. But because JLH and Brian Hallisay really killed it. I also felt like grabbing her shoulders and begging her to leave already, and Oliver did a fantastic job of showing that he immediately recognized something is Very Wrong here. Not only that, you felt how much he was hurting to see his sister like that again. It was a great little detail to include all of these out-of-place elements that symbolized Buck's trauma.

Lastly, I'm so glad we received canon confirmation that Buck is Bobby's son in all the ways that matter. I don't think there's very much to add to that except how touching it was. And as a side note: Peter was AMAZING. The RANGE. I can tell they all had SO much fun with it.

__________ [adding this line for clarity's sake]_________________

The parts I wish could be stronger:

I'll start with some overarching points. The emotional impact of Buck being in a coma, getting out of the coma dream, and his decision to choose life despite the control he had to "fix" things in his coma dream would've been much more impactful—more poignant—had it occurred over the span of at least two episodes. I would've wanted some time to see how the absence of Buck in everyone's lives would've impacted them. Often, the hardest moments of seeing someone you love in the ICU is the silence when you come back home. They're not sitting at your kitchen table. You can't call them. They're not there, and at least when you're in the hospital and in the room, it's so much easier to convince yourself that they're gonna make it. But I don't wanna get off track.

Above is, more or less, the consistent thing I've said that the show needs to improve on. This episode was paced better than 6a episodes, but once again I notice that I would personally feel more emotionally moved had this been given more room to breathe. It would've made the episode heavier in a way that gave the suicidal ideation that Buck is experiencing the gravitas it needs.

So, now let's get into the two (but actually three) things that I really wish they had changed:

(a) coma!Eddie's story

I don't really want to repeat myself with respect to why I believe it did not make sense for coma!Eddie to have lost Christopher to his parents since I've already mentioned my reasoning in a few asks, so I'll try to make those points more succinctly. I've thought about it over the span of these few days, and I've rewatched that scene about three times or so.

First, as much as everyone talks about not caring what the general audience thinks, I believe it's important to take a step back and realize that they will not be rewatching these episodes, so first impressions of a scene do matter. You shouldn't have to analyze and re-analyze a scene to "get it"—that should be more of a pleasurable exercise. Having said that, I think I'll just copy and paste what I stated previously:

I’m also not expecting Buck to have been a reliable narrator in his own coma dream—my issue is the implications resulting from Eddie having lost custody of Chris.

I don’t believe they are implying that Eddie is unfit as a parent without Buck’s help. Let me make that clear. What bothers me is that Eddie, unlike Bobby and Maddie at those crucial points in their lives, already made the decision to support Christopher and make a better life for them. It had nothing to do with Buck. Pepa suggested that Eddie get help, and he was receptive to it. He just struggled to figure out how to navigate the bureaucracy of finding someone who can provide care for Christopher without cutting off other benefits.

I'm going to go a bit out of order, but this ties in to the lesser, third thing I took issue with. There wasn't consistency with the "lesson" that Buck was meant to learn. We had this odd mix between "choose life" and "be yourself" and "you fixed everyone." I couldn't tell whether they were going for a butterfly effect scenario or "Buck is the keystone of the 118."

I would've loved for the message to end with "choose life." As someone who also experiences severe depression and suicidal thoughts, I recognize that it's really quite a selfish way to think. You necessarily have to make yourself the center of the universe to be blinded by your own pity for yourself and your circumstances despite the fact that so many people around you want to love you, and there are people you haven't met yet who want to love you. More importantly: there are people who you get the opportunity to love. Practicing gratitude for those who are in your life and for yourself for continuing to make it every day even though it's hard is, in my opinion, a critical element of clawing your way out of the spiral of depressive thoughts. It also requires that you take responsibility for yourself and your actions and the hurt you've caused others.

I don't know how they'll address Buck's recovery, but I sincerely hope that, out of respect for himself and for others around him, he slow down and give his body time to recover. For me, that would demonstrate the maturity and growth I feel is missing.

(b) The Redemption Arc (?) for both the Buckley parents and Chim's dad

Before I get into this one, I don't know if they intended to tie everything with a bow, or whether they wanted to re-address the relationships here.

I find that Hen's relationship to Toni and Eddie's relationship to Ramon was given the space to breathe (recurring theme !), and it didn't take an episode or two to forgive the parents. I understand wanting to forgive as a means of letting go; however, I would personally find it more compelling had we taken more steps to reach that point. Further, I would've liked to have seen that strained relationship. I love, love, love stories that revolve around "I love you, but I don't know if I like you. And I especially don't know if I can trust you." I love stories between parents and children where the children—no matter how old they get—always seem to want their parents' love, even when they know it hurts them. It's so human.

As for the Buckley parents in particular: Buck is following Maddie's lead 100%. Of this, I am sure. Either way, I'm actually quite shocked that we didn't see either ol' Philly or Marge struggle to be in the ICU. Again, that's where a two-parter would've really served the storytelling. Additionally, I can't purport to know whether or not they intended this, but it seems (on first impression) that Buck had to die for them to even give a little bit of a shit about him. They got better how, exactly? I guess more than anything, this entire part left me with a big fat "HUH?"

For Chim's dad: this was a missed opportunity completely. Chim first said that he was told that he'd understand his parents better once he became one himself, and now that he's a father, he understands his own father even less. So I sat there watching and thinking "score!"

Unfortunately, in those last five minutes or so of the show, Chim's stepmom told him a story about his father's pride, and now suddenly Chim is okay with having his dad in his life in any capacity (albeit cautiously? unclear). I really don't understand that. Kenny would absolutely serve in a narrative where he decides to not be on speaking terms with his father, and that puts a strain on his relationship with Albert. Albert came to him in season 3 because he was fighting with their dad; however, now we see Albert taking their dad's side, for all intents and purposes. How does that affect Chim? Does he feel betrayed in a sense? Does he feel conflicted? How much does he want the idea of having a dad in his life? It's too early to tell at the moment, but I sincerely hope they don't drop the ball on this one.

If you made it this far, congratulations :-P I have other things I certainly have an opinion on, but @ anon: this is probably a lot more than you were expecting haha.