#desperatoromantic

    I woke up with the burning sensation enveloping my body again. It wasn't unusual for me to wake up like this, but it felt stronger than usual today. I was about to attempt to fall back asleep before I heard Jill shouting from downstairs that breakfast was ready. I always wondered if my biological parents would have constantly wanted to do family shit like this.

    Mike was already nearly done with his plate by the time I got downstairs. The smell of food sickened me and caused my head to throb. I sat down quickly before I fell over and laid my head on the table, slowly hearing Mike’s words echo through my head. “I don’t think Leo wants food this morning, Jill.” I managed to lift my head up and saw that they exchanged a strange look. Not entirely one of concern, and not entirely one of surprise either. I felt the burn intensify and fill my lungs with each breath. Fuck.

    I've had episodes of the burning feeling for as long as I can recall. Although never this bad, I remember sitting in the doctor’s office as a child, with Mike and Jill being unable to contribute any information on my biological family’s medical history. Not that I’d want to know anything about those fuckers anyway. Visit after visit I was always sent home with a bottle of pain killers and no diagnosis.

    Jill leaned over the kitchen table to speak to mike. Although they were standing right in front of me,I could barely hear them now through the ringing in my ears. Things started to develop a fuzzy edge around them as they slowly started to fade into the dark. The last thing I saw was Mike nodding his head and Jill retreating down the hallway before the sensation of fire overtook my body and dragged me into the darkness

    I woke up to the steady sound of beeping and a tense feeling of something having been forced into my forearm. “He’s waking up Jill.” I heard mike say as they both walked towards me. I had a needle pumping red liquid into my arm. I looked at the bag that hung above me and saw that it was blood. Was I having a blood transfusion? I started to regain complete consciousness and saw that I wasn't even in a hospital. This was my living room. What the fuck was going on? Jill took a deep breath before sitting next to me. “We knew we’d have to have this talk eventually, we just hadn't thought it would have happened so soon.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“The IV in your arm...the blood. How do you feel?” I actually hadn't even thought about how I felt until she mentioned it. The burning feeling was gone completely and I felt rejuvenated in a way that I had never experienced before. I suppose she saw the look on my face because she continued speaking. “Your real parents did not give you up because they wanted to. Your mother died giving birth to you.” I didn't know how to react to any of this, but she kept going.

“Your father would have kept you, but agreed that your best chance at a somewhat normal life would be with us. He wasn't going to hand you over without a fight, or so we thought.” She turned her head away as her eyes began to fill with tears. Mike put his hand on her shoulder and continued where she left off.

“We thought we were going to have to kill him. I remember that night so clearly. He handed you to us. Under the condition that if you lost control, even just once, that we would kill you. ‘The world has enough monsters without adding a half-breed to the mix.’ he said.”

    I was so confused. None of this made sense. My mouth tasted sour as I tried to talk. “Why would you have to kill my father? or me?” I tried to keep my composure but my words shook with emotion at every sound each letter made. They exchanged a look between themselves before Jill took a deep breath and continued to speak. “Leo, you are a dhampir. Your mother was human, but your father...was a vampire. And we are..vampire hunters.”

What?

It seemed so far fetched, but it was the only thing that made sense at the same time. My mix of thoughts were interrupted when I heard a knock at the door. I immediately knew who it was. I sat up on the bed and started ripping the IV out of my arm as I watched Jill swiftly move to the door to open it.

“Hey Jill, we’re here to pick up Leo.” It was Dan. Today was the day that I was supposed to go camping with some friends. Jill looked back at me with a worried look on her face. “You never mentioned anything..Leo I don’t think It’s a good idea right now.”

“Nope. I’m going.” I followed Dan out the door and heard Jill yelling for me behind me. “Leo!”

I didn’t care about the fact that I hadn’t brought clothes. I’d just pick something up along the way or something. I was upset. I felt so deceived by those people I was living with. They should have told me this long ago. They could have prepared me. I grew up with some resentment towards my father only to now find out he actually wanted me. “You okay bro...” Dan asked while curiously examining my face. “Yeah I’m fine. Sorry.” We pulled up to Jessica’s house to pick her and a couple more friends up. I couldn’t wait for this weekend to be over.

   It was nightfall now. We had set up our tent fairly quickly and were now sitting around a fire with a couple of beers. I knew that Dan had a thing for Jessica, But there was just something about her tonight that I couldn’t keep my eyes off. I couldn’t take it anymore. And probably going against all things guy code. I stood up and asked her to follow me. She obliged and I knew what was coming next. I could feel Dan’s eyes burning into my back. I knew what was coming next. I waited until we were out of sight before pushing her up against a tree and kissing her. She reached up to try to put her arms around my neck but I pinned them up above her head. I felt something bubbling in my stomach that felt like something similar to the burning sensation, only more primitive. I kissed her harder and felt the world starting to fade from view as I gripped her wrists inhumanely strong. Something was happening to me.

I barely knew him. In fact, we were never even officially dating. But sometimes we grow attached to people. When you talk to that person every night, sometimes until dawn; when in their drunken stupor at a party, get down on one knee and tell you how much they like you; when they text you saying they miss you. You get attached to the little things. Addicted. So when it is all gone, you can’t help but to feel pain. No matter how short the relationship was, it still always means something.

Maybe it’s because of the gloomy weather, but things have just felt so off lately. Like something is missing. I know it’s not a relationship, because I have rejected nearly every advance that has been made on me. A part of me is longing for something. Something that I am so clueless about. 

The wind is howling even louder now which only deepens my thoughts. And then it hit me. I have rejected all of those advances because I long for something more than physical.

I don’t know if you still read ,my blog, but I wrote a poem about the night I met you. I never told you.

 Smoke Rings:

It's a funny kind of feeling. That nagging, throbbing pain in your chest because you know they'll never love you back. Or maybe they do. But for whatever reason, they don't want you. And you don't want that heavy feeling to go away. You're reminded of them with the littlest things. It hurts, bad. But you don't want the pain to leave. Because that would mean forgetting. And I would rather painfully have you in my thoughts, than to never have had you at all.

It means hopeless romance. Not that I have much of an issue with love. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 3 years. I started this blog because I hope to know about some of the other fuck-ups in this world. I am a fuck up. Possibly the leader of the fuck-ups. I can’t help it either. I have been given so many chances from everyone around me and I somehow always mess them all up. I don’t want to be a bad person, but everything about me scream “terrible”. I feel like my existence was a mistake. And I don’t say that as a suicidal term,  I enjoy living. But I do mean it. How can so much misfortune with people come to one person? I feel as if the cosmos look down upon me and shed tears at their mistake for letting me walk this earth. I am happy on the inside. I am sad on the inside. I am everything. I am a fuck-up. I am Desperato Romance.

Welcome to my blog. Welcome to my world. 

Enjoy your Stay.

Sincerely,