#deservingbetter

Things tend to come to me late. Knowing I deserved better has become closure, but living the life I’ve had to live shows otherwise, and there is no excuse for it. Whilst we’re on this plane, we have opportunities to change things for ourselves and our children.

There is a quote by Jim Rohn, ‘If you don’t like where you are, move, you are not a tree.’ As the adult we get to call the shots. When it comes to a child with a disability it’s even more important. I should have had that I didn’t get that.

What ifs don’t help us or change our circumstances. We know when we deserve better, but we also understand the purpose of our life. The lessons I’ve had to work through to get to this place has allowed me to understand why I deserved better, I’ve had to work for what I’ve got; what I have achieved wasn’t handed to me on a plate, it’s one which I’ve had to continually work on and for.

I learned the hard way through self-realisation that I deserved better; no one should have had to have gone through what I did. And although it takes time for you to begin to understand you deserve better, you become less confused about why you put up with certain situations in the first place.

You also stop making excuses for the people that do what they do to you, they don’t deserve your time or energy. Deserving better doesn’t mean you’ll get your ‘sorry.’ If the other person thought you deserved better, they wouldn’t have done what they did, or put you where you found yourself in the first place.

As my experiences have shown, you do get to understand the importance of letting go and moving on. It is fundamental to our emotional and spiritual growth.

Imagine how much better you’ll feel not carrying another person’s guilt. But that’s what we do. During a lifetime, we will carry issues and guilt, regardless of whether those things belong to us.

It’s only when we look back of course that we can see the madness unfold. It’s not so much the things that are said, it’s also the things that aren’t said that could have been said that would dramatically change how you see yourself.

To me it was obvious what everyone thought of my efforts and lack of achievement. In a way that helped. But where family are disappointed, they won’t always say, and we’re still left to pick up the pieces on our own.

I was treading water for many years until I grasped an opportunity for me to find out what I had been dealing with for all those years. Then through my black and white thinking that I didn’t know I had, my perceptions changed overnight and so did my world.

That no matter what our issues or experiences are, we owe it to ourselves to do and want to be better. We must work on ourselves to do better to know that we finally deserve better. Knowing we deserve better is closure.

I had a somewhat uncomfortable Q&A session with some friends/coworkers tonight to teach them a little bit about what I’ll be going through in the next few years.  It made me feel very…vulnerable when they discussed penis size in relation to the possibilities available through various surgeries. It just…made me feel even less hopeful that I’ll find someone who will like me for me.  One of my coworkers couldn’t dream of having a man with a smaller than average or even an average sized piece. :/ I’m not sure if it just shows that women aren’t aware of the norm for male genitalia or if they’re completely blinded by the idea that bigger is better.  Fuck. If I could have an awesome dick I would, but it’s not like I’ll be sprouting one soon. I can’t get what I want so I have to deal with what options I have. Ugh. Dysphoria.

Honestly a big dick is just for show. A normal or 'smaller than average' penis will do the job and likely do it better really. If they are too big its more pain than pleasure and really I'd rather have a guy who thinks he needs to make up for the size of his penis during sex than a guy who's like 'well my dick is huge so she'll get off no matter what I do'

And besides that any one you are with should love you for you and if they get hung up on what's in your pants they really aren't worth the effort