I have asked the universe if I am not meant to be loved, stop letting me want it. Not a miracle, not a person, not even happiness; just take the part of me that sits up every time someone is gentle, like a stray animal that still believes the next hand will not hurt.
I’ve humiliated myself in front of the universe for years. Birthday after birthday, everyone shouting at me to make a wish while I stare at the candles like tiny burning witnesses to the same confession: 'Please, let someone stay this time.' I’ve blown dandelions until the sky was white with them, each one carrying the same exhausted request: 'Someone, please choose me.'
Even shooting stars became humiliating. Everyone else would gasp, celebrate the sky, and I used those few seconds to ask again for something that has never arrived.
If love keeps passing me by, then please do something merciful: take the wanting out of me. Take the part of my chest that unlocks itself whenever someone says my name softly. Because the cruelest thing is watching it happen for everyone else; realizing no one has had to beg, no one has had to make wishes, no one has had to negotiate for the bare minimum.
And if the universe already decided I will never be the person someone is afraid to lose, then at least give me the dignity of no longer standing at the window every time I hear footsteps outside. At least let me stop straightening my posture every time someone new walks in. At least let me live the rest of my life without this constant, aching instinct to look at an empty doorway and, for one humiliating second, still believe someone might be walking through it just for me.
So, if no one is coming, let the part of me that listens finally go deaf. Let the small light I keep leaving on burn itself out without ceremony. Let my hands forget what it feels like to reach. Because hope is not beautiful when it has nowhere to live; it is just a door that never stops opening into an empty room.
And I am tired of standing in the doorway, pretending I don’t already know no one is on the other side.
