#depressionrant

you know those text posts where people say -in short- “those selfish don’t think about their family members feelings when they fucking killed themselves. those selfish suicidal fuckers”

yeah, you know what i’m talking about

first: what the fuck. is this your actual attempt at making people guilty for wanting to die? 

second: you obviously don’t know what it feels like to be suicidal. because that’s literally all we think about. some people only want to die for that reason. in my experience -i’m not saying this is everybody else’s- i felt that even though my friends say they care and show it in real time and even though my family...at least tries on occasion to care, i don’t actually know if they do. 

so i want to die. because in my mind, this is what i see happening:

i kill myself, after being completely being immersed in my fucked up thoughts and emotions gathering and not being let out over the course of years.

my mother, in all of her sickly glory, thinks, oh no, who will help me do house chores now

my sister, not a care in the world but too young to still be in this mindset, fake cries at my funeral, and is secretly texting and going through social media while it takes place

my friends, with other emo friends to fuck around with, and too caught up in their teenage drama to give a shit, think, oh. another one? i hope i’m not asked to write a eulogy.

my best friend, legitimately the only person i think would care if i suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth with no warning, cries herself to sleep for a week, two at the most, but then eventually gets over my death and easily replaces me with a happier, prettier version of me.

my school, 99.9% of the people hear the news and think, who the fuck is that?. the other 1% think didn’t expect that, then post a picture of me on social media with the caption #rip

if it wasn’t clear, we do think about other people’s feelings. but do they care about ours? do they try to understand our circumstances? 

My question is just what the hell was it that all these people were given that I wasn't? I have so much going on, so much to think about and plan and do. And i invest so much time and sacrifice so much (i.e. sleep/social things/NYC trip/sweet 16/taking care of my physical health/...) to complete these things on time and do them and do them well (i.e. grades/a job/a car/paying for insurance/finding money to support my family/duel enrolling/getting all my credits/...) but for every single night i stay up working (even if i do score well on that test or whatever), I wake up exhausted (physically and emotionally) the next week to yet another week worth of assignments. 

its a circle, a big fucking circle of shit that simply must be done. Because you can skip reading and painting and dancing and eating and sleeping but all you have at the end of it is what you had to start with. I feel like i work and work and work and i get nothing out of it, nothing pays off. Im tired of running my wheels and not getting anywhere. in fact im just tired in general, emotionally, mentally, physically. im just so so tired, so weary. 

I'm just sick and tired of all of it and i can't do it anymore i just cant. I wish i was better or that i got that memo that everyone else seems to have gotten, but im not and i didnt. i wish i was braver, at the very least so i could at least get out of here. I dont want to do this anymore i want to just be done. i know it's wrong of me, but i really dont even care about anyone around me anymore. i feel like im sinking and being choked from every angle of my life and i have found trial and error: I cant float and i sure as hell cant swim, so i just wish i would sink already. 

Normally I don't get depressed easy but today I've noticed some signs that are telling me that I'm depressed. 

I have no motivation to do ANYTHING, I feel like I need to eat something but I know I'm not hungry, whatever I try to draw comes out looking like shit, I feel like I have to do something like play videogames or do some other activity but when I try I get bored very quickly so I give up...yeah. Those are the usual signs for me.