#depressionissues

It has almost been a full year since I have been here.

I end up doing this over and over again. I write when I need to work out a few things then I let it all go dormant until I hit a point where I spill somewhere or scream. And in the end I guess that is why I tried to put this blog here. Out in the interwebs and screaming into the void but not in a public or somewhat public or even kinda public place that I can figure.

Anyway, having hit a place I need to vent I am now at my computer and trying to put into somewhat coherent thoughts what is eating at me. I went to work today and spent the first I don't know 15 or so minutes having a “heart to heart” type convo with Angie the boss lady. 

She is great and has been a good boss to work for the last three years I have been there and she has a tendency to pull me aside and ask what is up if work is back sliding or things seem not great. I have had one or two of them before. She pulls up the chair and says “so what going on?”

It is bad enough to have management pull me into the office for much of anything good or bad- always feels like I am in school and being called to the principal’s office. But today I didn't even get to start before I was sat down and talked to/at.....she does this think where she doesn't look at you when you she talks about this kinda stuff and it is a bit weird. 

Anyway I guess I have been presenting a big sign that says “I don't want to be here” when I come in. In my head I am just not jumping for joy at the beginning of the shift. I didn't realize it was coming off so bad? But I have also figured out I am never telling anyone there how I am feeling or doing or what is going on in my head. I told one of the girls that was running shift if I had know that the shift I picked up was going to end up being cleaning or whatever it was I would have not come in. I really didn't mean for it to have been taken the way it was. 

If they call me at home on my day off to come in and work a shift and I am not actually doing anything 9/10 times I say yes and go in. And I am happy to get the hours and work . But shit its not like they tell me what I am going to be doing. 

I have not been doing that great for the past month or so. My depression is hitting me hard and my lack of motivation and lack-luster follow-through is on a high point right now. I have been neglecting my showers and have not been as constant with my skin care as I was before. 

On really bad days I am happiest when I am off work and home alone while dad is at work. Some of those days I have slept late and not wanted to come downstairs. And going out of the house for things besides work is basically out of the question. Jen called and invited me over for crawfish and I showed up almost after it happened. I am pulling in and I can feel it. 

And it seems like work can see it too. I had an incident where I scratched a window on a car cause I was trying to do everything on my own and misjudged if a product could fit in a car. I felt crappy for the rest of the day. It pains me to see I am fucking up so much at work they have to bring me in and talk to me about it.

So Angie is moving me into the backroom again. Till she can figure out what to do with me. There is a part of me that is thinking that I am overdue for a major life crisis. It has been a while since something truly fucked up for me at my job so I’m standing there with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears waiting for the explosion to off. 

I was given a card to a site that my job offers to help with things that are needed when shit comes up. I am not sure if I can use it for anything or not. But at least I know it is there? -shrug-

On a separate note I joined the fabulous world of Tinder. I am reaching another point that I am craving physical contact. I think it might just be I need to get laid but I am also really curious about being with another women sexually. But I don't have a clue how to go about it. I am still unable to just put females only on the app even. It is a big step for me to even try to find someone to meet up with cause I am more prone to just say “fuck off’ to any guy that messages me. I don't know how to engage on that level anymore.