#depression diary

My friend's sister turned out to be a mxtx fan, so I drew a picture for her fic

pick up on calisthenics again; I don't need to be great after months of laziness, but I need to make it through one full routine

take a shower!

fold the current load of laundry and pin up the next load

wash the dishes

read one [1] chapter of my friend's story I've had opened in my tabs for wayyyyy too long

answer at least three [3] of the comments that I've had unanswered in my AO3 inbox for months

finish my dashi broth and freeze part of it

tidy up ten [10] objects from my "I just put everything down here" surface in my room that has been cluttered for months

go get a few groceries with my mom

They would keep their children lying and dying 

But never treat a plumber or an electrician the same 

I would be starving in my room for hours 

Who would care? Who would ever think of me?

They starve the monster inside me then complain about the consequences 

My mouth is dry and my throat hurts 

They feed me insults and fights 

This world is not fair

I might die right now unnoticeably

In my room there’s a cloud of despair falling down on me drops of pain, hate and self-harm. 

Yes, you failed to save me 

Hear me out.

Idk who knows it but I had some serious burnout phase going on (again) for the past 6 weeks – plus 2 weeks of slowly crawling up to where I am now. But now I feel better than ever.

What changed in the last 2 weeks is that I set up boundaries and for once actually sticked to them.

That means:

- I am forcing myself not to care about work. I used to spent so. damn. much. energy on trying to save the company I work for, and all it brought me was being miserable. Now, when my bosses do really dumb shit, I force myself to just shrug and go on with my task. And honestly? Life changing experience. I also have 3 instead of 2 home office days now, that's nice too. And I stopped trying to make things perfect. I've been known for finding logic errors and mistakes before the products go to print. But by now I am just like ~eh, good enough~. I don't try for perfection anymore and it's so refreshing. This is what everyone else has been doing, so why not me too?

- I cut off contact to my toxic grand aunt. My mother keeps telling me about her and just ignores that I tell her not to do this, but at least I personally don't have to play her wicked little manipulative games anymore. I also got rid of her latest "gift" that was once again meant to bind me to her via emotional debt. It's liberating. She tries to bind me again in all the other ways on her list, and my Mum keeps buying into her bs, but I'm out.

- I am no longer participating in one of my addictions. ( it's picking up free stuff in every free minute *sigh*) Cos it stressed me out more than it gave me joy, yet I couldn't stop. Til now.

- For the past couple days I've been in contact almost 24/7 with an old friend of my mine who has AuDHD. We don't have to mask around each other at all and it's so cool. I hadn't even realised that I mask... She knows what tickles my brain and how to navigate and activate it. It's honestly an insane experience. And that causes my dopamine levels to be super high and that means I actually get shit done. I've been paying bills and cleaning my house??? I wasn't able to do this for months. It's such a relief.

- Said friend also "diagnosed" my mother and sister with autism. Especially my sister with Asperger. And suddenly everything about them makes so much more sense. It gives me a bit of peace of mind.

Long story short: I cut off a lot of stressors and for now, I am good. I am happy. I pace my energy. I still need a lot of sleep and my batteries empty quickly, but overall I am content. And I finally feel my body again. Haven't so for about a year and it shows.