#defining relationships

“Stop pretending you’re okay, ‘cause I know you’re not.”

“Hey, Bart? Can we talk?”

Tired jade eyes flicked over to stare at Jaime as their owner ran a hand through messy auburn locks. Bart’s rose-colored visor was pushed up against his forehead and the yellow cowl of his Kid Flash uniform was hanging loose around his neck. They had just gotten back from a late-night mission with the Outsiders and everyone was planning to crash at the Premire Building before zetaing back to their respective homes in the morning.

“Sure!” Bart offered enthusiastically as he flopped down onto the couch.

Jaime knew he was faking it. Bart had bags under his eyes, and his smiles lately had been forced. He was trying too hard to be the chipper, friendly, bouncing-off-the-walls hyper teenager everyone else took him for, but Jaime knew better. He had been friends with Bart long enough to recognize the signs, and everything about the speedster was telling Jaime that he was definitely not as okay as he was leading everyone around him to believe. There was something bothering Bart, and Jaime knew exactly what it was.

The Latino brought a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. “Uh, I was thinking somewhere a little more private, hermano.” He cast his eyes around the room. Cassie and Virgil were talking over in the corner and Brion and Violet were hanging around upstairs, observing everyone from the balcony. Gar had mentioned turning in early, but Jaime didn’t want to risk him, or anyone else for that matter, overhearing his and Bart’s conversation.

“Oh.” Bart sat up on the couch with a groan. As he stood, he waved a lazy hand in the direction of the staircase behind him, indicating that Jaime should lead the way to one of the extra rooms up on the next floor.

With a sigh, Jaime started heading upwards, Bart following behind him quickly until they reached the second floor. They passed by Brion and Violet, and walked down the hall until coming up to the rooms that were unlabeled. Picking one at random, Jaime turned the handle and shoved the door open, ushering Bart inside before following and closing the door behind them.

Bart immediately went over and flopped down on the bed, pulling his visor off and placing it on the nightstand before flinging his forearm back over his eyes with a groan. “So, what is this pressing conversation you wanted to have with me, her-man-oh?”

Jaime tried not to cringe at Bart’s butchering of the Spanish word. He was unfortunately used to it now that he had been friends with the speedster for two years. Nervously, he raised a hand to rub at the back of his neck. “This is going to sound a little weird, but I’ve been noticing recently that you’re acting kind of... off?” Jaime wasn’t sure exactly which word to use. “You know that if there’s anything bothering you, you can talk to me, right? That’s uh, actually why I wanted to talk to you in private. Something’s bothering you, and I think I know what it is.”

Bart sat up quickly and Jaime watched as his mouth morphed into that forced fake smile again. He would admit that the younger teen was a good actor. He could even make the smile reach the corners of his jade eyes, which would be the normal giveaway that he was faking. But Bart couldn’t hide the tick in his cheek that Jaime knew meant he was clenching his teeth too hard or the hollowed, empty look Jaime saw everytime they made eye contact. Bart was wearing a mask, and it was one that Jaime knew he would have to tear away piece by stubborn piece if he wanted to get down to the real expression Bart was hiding underneath.

“I don’t know why you’re worried, Blue,” and Jaime knew he was using the nickname in an attempt to make it sound like things were fine, “I promise everything’s crash with me.” Bart turned towards him and Jaime could see his attempt at toning down the smile to one that was slightly more natural. The whole thing made Jaime feel sick.

“You’re sure?” Jaime was going to push. If he was being honest, he needed this conversation too. The same thing that he knew was bothering Bart was eating at him as well. It was an issue that affected both of them, and Jaime knew that neither of them had dealt with the emotional and mental turmoil after the fact in any of the right ways. They’d both kept it bottled up, and Jaime was about to reach his breaking point. Based on how Bart had been acting the last couple of days, Jaime would wager that he was close to his limit as well.

The Reach was a subject no one really liked to talk about. The invasion had been terrible. Kidnapped children, genetic experiments, and mind control had only been the tip of the iceberg. Jaime and Bart each had their own inner demons to deal with on top of it. And it was something that they had to do together.

Bart had grown up in a world where the Reach invasion and takeover had been successful. There wasn’t a chance at redemption for his timeline. The only thing Bart had been able to hope for in traveling to the past was that an alternate timeline could be created; that a total annihilation via Reach wasn’t the only option. But because he’d been the only one to come back, Bart was the only one who had to live with the burden of knowing what could have been.

Jaime, on the other hand, had a piece of Reach tech directly fused to his spine. Not only had he had to deal with the initial pain of Khaji Da integrating their nervous systems, but he’d also had to struggle with no longer being a hundred percent in control of his own body. Even when he wasn’t on mode, Khaji Da could still overpower him and take control of the armor, even when Jaime vehemently scolded the scarab not to. It had taken a lot to get used to having another voice in his head and some compromise as to how and who would be controlling Jaime’s body and the armor.

The real connection between Jaime and Bart though, was the fact that Jaime/Blue Beetle From The Future had been Bart’s main tormentor. By all rights, Bart should want nothing to do with him. Yet they’d become best friends. Their respective connections to the Reach had drawn them together, and without the aliens’ involvement in the first place, he and Bart would have never even met.

In a weird way, Jaime was somewhat grateful to the Reach. They were the ones responsible for bringing him and Bart together. On the flip side though, it didn’t change the amount of horror both he and Bart had experienced at their hands. Having those Reach War Bugs resurface had been a threat Jaime didn’t take lightly, and he knew Bart had been just as terrified. It was likely both of them would be having nightmares about the Reach for the rest of their lives. Jaime certainly was, and if the bags under Bart’s eyes were any indication, Jaime knew he was having them too.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” Jaime asked him one more time. He wanted Bart to be honest with him. He didn’t want to make his best friend think he had to hide.

Bart rolled his eyes. “I’m perfectly okay, Blue. I don’t know why you’re pushing this. Do you need to talk to me about something? Is something bothering you?”

Jaime felt a frown set itself on his lips. Bart was turning things around on him now. The speedster was surprisingly good at that. He pretended to play aloof (hell, he was still fooling some of the Justice League and team with the whole ‘tourist from the future’ gag), but in reality, Jaime knew the younger boy was a master at lying and fake personalities. The only times Jaime had ever seen Bart fully be himself were when things really just got too heavy for Bart to carry on his own. In that regard, Jaime was his confidant. Bart could tell him pretty much anything and Jaime wouldn’t think any less of him.

Eventually Jaime let out a sigh. He knew Bart wasn’t going to tell him anything, so he had to bring the conversation back around in order to get to the root of the problem that was affecting them both.

“Yes, Bart. Something is bothering me.” Jaime walked over to the bed and plopped himself down by the footboard with his arms crossed. “And I know you know what it is.”

Bart shuffled to sit up against the headboard and crossed his arms as well, emulating Jaime’s posture. “I don’t know why you would think I know what’s bothering you. But I’m here to listen if you need it.” Bart raised a shoulder in a half shrug.

Jaime groaned and forcefully flopped back onto the bed in anger. He glared up at the ceiling. “Stop pretending you’re okay, ‘cause I know you’re not. I know the mission the other day with the War Bugs is bothering you as much as it’s bothering me. You’ve been acting weird since then, and probably having nightmares, because I’ve been having them too. We need to talk about this.”

Jaime felt the bed bounce as Bart moved to lie down next to him. Their arms brushed and their hips bumped against one another as the speedster finally settled down and turned his face to the side to look at Jaime. When Jaime did the same, he could see tears glistening at the corners of the younger boy’s jade eyes.

“It’s never going to be over, is it?”

Jaime had never heard Bart’s voice sound so broken. He watched as the crystal droplets pooling in Bart’s viridescent eyes spilled over, tracing down the swells of his cheeks to drip onto the sheets between them. Jaime had never seen Bart cry before.

His heartstrings pulled so tightly, Jaime was certain they would snap and the vital organ would be left floating around in the dark abyss of his chest. His throat felt thick. His nose started running. He could feel sadness-anger-grief-anxiety-fear pooling at the corners of his own brown eyes.

“It’s over for everyone else, but it’ll never be over for us.”

Jaime blinked rapidly as the first of his tears spilled over the bridge of his nose, over his cheek and towards his ear. He tried swallowing, but ended up choking instead.

Bart reached out for him and Jaime tugged the smaller boy into an embrace tight enough to crack bones. Bart’s tears wet the side of his neck as his nose buried into the hood of Jaime’s jacket. He pressed his own face into the curve of Bart’s clavicle and shoulder, muffling shaky sobs against the yellow spandex. He could feel Bart trembling in his arms, nearly to the point where Jaime imagined he was the only thing holding the younger teen together, and that if he let go, Bart would break apart into a thousand different pieces. He hoped for his own sake that Bart’s arms were strong enough to hold him together too.

It was at some point in the midst of tears and expulsion of fear and sadness that Jaime’s watery cocoa eyes found Bart’s wet emerald. Without words, they both moved towards one another until their lips met. Jaime didn’t know why, or what element of the grief they were sharing compelled them to the action, but he did know that it felt right.

Bart let out a sob against his lips, grasping the hoodie covering Jaime’s shoulders between clenched fingers. Jaime found his own hands pressing against Bart’s lean back, pulling him impossibly closer until the auburn-haired teen was in his lap.

Their kissing was desperate; nothing more than lips smashed against lips and a messy, wet tangle of tongues. Jaime could taste the salty bitterness of the tears still spilling between them, but he held on, as if Bart could kiss away all of the residual emotions the reemergence of the Reach ships had caused to rise up within him. The tightness in his throat was disappearing, and it seemed as though everything Bart was pouring out into him through their connection was like a magic glue that had pasted his snapped heartstrings back together. Jaime could feel it beating rapidly in his chest, swelling- this time not with sadness, but with pure, unadulterated relief.

Bart was the only one who really understood. The Reach Invasion had been scary for everyone, but no one had had to face as much fear as Jaime and Bart. Bart knew the risks of losing that battle. He had lived the consequences. And Jaime had gotten his own twisted look into that future. While on mode, he’d been trapped in his own mind, witnessing and feeling his body do things that were out of his control. The Ambassador’s voice had constantly hissed in his head, commanding he do things that made him physically sick. He had nearly killed his friends. He had nearly killed Bart.

Seeing those Reach ships again, emerging out of the depths of the sea, flying over Maine to terrorize the citizens; it meant that he and Bart had failed. They’d failed to end the invasion. They’d failed to protect the people they’d sworn to protect. They’d failed to save their friends. They’d failed to prevent Bart’s future from happening. They’d failed to save each other.

Finding out it was only Intergang hadn’t alleviated any of the fear. What if this scare was only the first? What if more were to come? Jaime knew that as long as there was Reach tech on Earth, the aliens could return. Even if all of the tech could be transported off-world, Jaime still had the scarab attached to his spine. There was no way to separate Khaji Da from Jaime Reyes. At the moment, the beetle was on their side. Khaji had gained human-level sentience through their connection. But despite the sentience, Khaji Da was still technology. An artificial intelligence. And no matter how hard he or Jaime fought, there was no way to override Khaji’s innate programming on their own. If the Reach wanted to use him as a soldier, Jaime would have no choice.

Bart had been terrified to see the ships return too. Perhaps he’d been even more horrified than Jaime. The whole mission Bart had constantly been scouting, looking out for signs of the Reach. Khaji Da had informed Jaime several times about “the Kid Flash’s eye movements”, “increased cortisol and adrenaline levels” and “rapid heart rate”. All were signs of severe distress. Bart had been panicking, yet he’d played everything off as if it were fine.

Jaime just didn’t understand it. Was playing aloof and acting as the team’s resident clown some kind of coping mechanism for Bart? Was that what he was doing now with Jaime? Was this kiss just another one of his coping mechanisms?

Jaime didn’t understand what had drawn them together in the first place. One moment they were sobbing into each other’s shoulders and the next, they were desperately making out. Was Jaime using the physical affection as some kind of coping mechanism himself?

He and Bart hadn’t discussed anything beforehand. They hadn’t confessed feelings or attractions or love. The kiss had just happened. For all Jaime knew, Bart probably thought he and Traci were still together. They hadn’t told anyone they were no longer dating. Jaime hadn’t told anyone he wasn’t completely straight either. Bart had probably been under the impression that he was until now. The speedster has come out to him as gay awhile back, but Jaime had never had the confidence to tell Bart that he was bisexual.

Why then, was Bart kissing him? It had been a mutual movement, from what Jaime gathered. He and Bart had moved in sync. That meant both he and Bart had been okay with the kiss from the start. But why were they both okay with it? Did they both have feelings for one another, buried deep down inside of themselves? Was it mutual attraction? Or were they just using it as a coping mechanism to deal with all of the messy emotions?

Jaime was leaning towards a mixture of the three. He could definitely see himself having feelings for the speedster. Bart was funny, sweet, witty and bright. He always brought out the best sides of Jaime when they were together and there was no one else Jaime could say he’d ever had as much fun with. As for attraction, Bart definitely had a lot of alluring qualities. His emerald eyes were beautiful, and Jaime thought his windswept auburn hair was mesmerizing. Bart’s form was lithe, yet strong, and he was a perfect fit against Jaime’s own body (he felt amazing sitting him Jaime’s lap, with his arms wrapped tightly around him). Plus, Jaime had always liked freckles, and Bart had them in abundance. Jaime didn’t want to say that he was kissing Bart merely as a coping mechanism either. It was more of a mutual understanding. Bart knew what he was going through. Jaime was comfortable being himself- being vulnerable- with Bart. The younger boy was Jaime’s ultimate source of comfort.

When the tears stopped falling, and they eventually pulled away from one another, Jaime sought out Bart’s eyes with his own. He had to know where he and Bart stood.

Neither of them spoke for a long while. Jaime didn’t know what to say. There was something fragile resting between them now and he didn’t want to risk opening his mouth and shattering it.

Bart’s hand tightened its grip on Jaime’s shoulder where it was still resting. “A-are we crash?” He sounded just as unsure as Jaime felt.

Immediately he nodded. “We’re crash,” Jaime said. He could feel the uneasiness dissolve between them.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bart averted his eyes.

Jaime didn’t answer right away. He and Bart should talk about it, but then again, it would just add another thing to the list of things he and Bart should talk about but hadn’t yet.

If Jaime was being honest, he’d never really thought of his and Bart’s relationship as surpassing just friends, but the idea of the younger boy being his boyfriend was one that Jaime was surprisingly comfortable with. Ever since meeting him, he and Bart had been extremely close. Perhaps others would even view them as closer than friends. Labels hadn’t really mattered when it came to his relationship with Bart. He called Bart ‘hermano’ and ‘amigo’ and Bart was happy to use the vernacular as well. They’d never really discussed, or put a label on what their friendship had become over the years since they’d met. Things had just progressed naturally.

Physical contact and affection was normal between them. Jaime enjoyed Bart’s hugs and had grown used to the speedster’s constant need for tactile stimulation. He was perfectly okay with Bart throwing his arm around his shoulders or leaning on him. Whenever Bart came over to hang out, Jaime would invite him up to his room and they would snuggle together on Jaime’s bed while they ate popcorn and watched old movies. When Bart stayed the night, they even shared Jaime’s bed. It was normal for them, and Jaime had never really considered the possibility that they would ever become more than friends. He considered all of this behavior friendly. He was comfortable with Bart and Bart was comfortable with him. There hadn’t been the need for a label.

The kiss was just a progression of their relationship. They hadn’t needed to talk about feelings beforehand because in some way, Jaime figured they both had subconsciously seen it coming. That was probably why they had both been so okay with it. For formality’s sake though, Jaime supposed it would be best to tell Bart what he was thinking.

“I’m okay with the kissing,” Jaime said, shyly. “I-I liked it.” He avoided looking at Bart at all costs. He could feel his cheeks flaming.

“I liked it too.” When Jaime did have the courage to look up again, he could see that Bart’s face was scarlet as well.

“I think I’m okay now,” Bart said. “Like, actually okay. I was pretending before because everyone else seemed like the Reach mission hadn’t bothered them. They all seemed fine with it. Like it was no big deal. But ever since coming back here, to this time period, I’ve always had the fear that what I’ve done to prevent my future from coming true hasn’t been enough. I was terrified when I saw the War Bugs. I thought I’d failed.”

Jaime nodded. He understood completely. It had been exactly what he was expecting Bart to say.

“I was scared too,” Jaime assured him, “I’ve been having nightmares.”

Bart gave him a sad smile. “Mine haven’t gone away either. It’s over for everyone else, but it’ll never be over for us.”

This time when Bart said it, Jaime had a feeling he was talking about more than just the Reach. He and Bart would have to deal with this fear together. Jaime would need Bart to stick by his side and he would need to stick by Bart’s so they could get through this. Their relationship had just evolved a step further. Jaime wasn’t planning on going anywhere, and he knew Bart was just as committed. Together they would be okay.

I’m so sorry this Drabble took me so long to get to! Life has been absolutely hectic for me lately with school and work. I haven’t had much time to write.

Allowing myself to feel non-possessive love is a wonderful thing, but it still breakes my heart when a relationship ends. For some reason, they always seem to end. Sometimes because they don’t want me to love them, sometimes because they are afraid of a person who doesn’t put (arbitrary) limits on what a relationship can or cannot be. Often it’s because I cannot offer the type of situation they need (or vice versa).

For me, being poly doesn’t mean having lots of sex or even dating multiple people, it means I love openly, and easily, without expectations and without it impacting my love for other people in my life. Love is not a competition, nor is it a guarantee of reciprocity of love. 

Hey :) okay please calm down and take deep breaths. Why don’t you tell him you have feelings for him and would like to take it slow? If you really want to put a label on it, the only thing I can really think of is like “more than friends but not quite dating”? I know that’s very vague but that’s just what I’ve got. I really hope this helps, and remember to be calm! <3

I have this friend.

I met her through other friends and we always pretty much got along, but I was in school and really never had time to socialize.

Then, after graduation, we started hanging out more and we just...clicked.

Do you have people like that in your life?  You finally get the chance to spend time together and instantly, you have things to talk about, understand each other and can stay up until 4am rambling about nothing?

All of the best friends I have are people with whom that has happened.

So this friend.

We hung out a fair amount last summer, and then, in August, my ex and I broke up. And she and I hung out even more.

This past winter, she ended up spending almost every weekend on my sofa -- we'd go out on Saturday and then she'd crash on my couch and we'd spend Sunday curled up watching tv until I needed to take her home.

Over the spring, we both got busy and it seemed that our girl-mance had just been a fling perhaps.

But then, as dreadful summer arrived, our schedules freed up and suddenly, we were spending lots of time together again.

And then the apartment upstairs from me opened up, and I knew that she and a friend were looking for a place and now she and her roomate live upstairs from me.

She comes over most evenings during the week and we chat or watch and episode or two of whatever show we are working our way through.

On weekend mornings, I text her when I'm up and unlock my door and curl up in  my oversized chair to nap, and she comes down and makes us coffee because I'm useless in the mornings. 

I'm her go to plus one for parties.

And when she's not feeling well, i make her tea and pet her hair.

We get take out and I choose vegetarian opitions so we can both eat the food we get.

And she includes me in big future plans.

I mean, we have discussed taking trips together, to New York, for example, where we could stay with her sister.  But she also contemplates moving to Boston to be closer to her long-term not-boyfriend, and when discussing these plans says, 'And you could get an art job there and we could live together!'

Neither of us are interested in having sex with the other. 

Me: I knew I wasn't attached to him in like anymore but apparently I couldn't figure out that if you don't like someone that way but still are friends, that means you're friends