#deep take

Howdy fellow Supernatural tin hatters, it’s about time I put my foot in the ring. After re-watching season 8 there are a lot of things that I feel need addressed, many of which, if I’m honest, already have been. Let’s dive head first. 

Dean Winchester vs The World: 

What I mean by this is that everyone who he considers a loved one, he blames for their mistakes and ignores their intentions. Every time. Most notably is the way Dean treats Castiel since season 6 (the souless Sam season). Dean blamed Castiel for not fully bringing Sam back. There was no gratitude for risking his life or going head over heels once again (”always happy to bleed for the Winchesters” quote from season 7 comes to mind) to save Sam. He frankly treats Cas like shit about it to the point Cas goes behind his back to work with Crowley trying to fix a different mistake. 

Dean still loves Cas( be it as family or what have you, that is a different tinhatted rant I have planned.) and he defends his honor as Sam and Bobby begin to doubt him. When he finds out that Cas is working with Crowley, that’s a fresh layer of betrayal. Great the whole summary thing is out of the way, now for the meat and potatoes. 

Castiel would not have “betrayed” Dean if he wasn’t being a bitch baby. In the episode when Cas is explaining himself presumably to the viewers, maybe to God, we see and are told that he thought about going to Dean for help and guidance many times. Cue the Dean raking leaves scene, where Cas can’t bring himself to ask Dean for help. Crowley shows up instead. Had Cas been able to go to his (usually only) friend and confidant for advice or comfort, he would not have gone to Crowley for a sense of rightness and usefulness. But if Castiel falters even a bit on Dean’s front, he’s out. 

This comes back again past Purgatory, past the leviathans, and all the “You always fuck up you’re a constant mistake ridden half angel” fits Dean throws his way, in season 8. That would be getting ahead of myself, so we will talk about the in between: crazy!Cas. 

Here we see the affect of life and freewill on Castiel. Lucifer doesn’t haunt Cas’ mind like it did Sam, but rather the crazy leaves Cas to his own emotions. He is laden with guilt and a desire for peace. No conflict, no decisions, no bickering. He has been broken down every time he tries to right his own wrongs, but his intensions are always pure and good. He only wants to help others and protect humanity(in this case meaning actual human kind rather than subtextually, Dean Winchester). Were Dean to help him out when he asked for it or forgiven him anywhere down the road rather than dig into him for whatever part of Castiel’s plan faltered, this sense of guilt would not be nearly as loaded up as it is. Castiel has been fighting a war for and against heaven for years entirely on his own because Dean demands him to “take a number”. It’s a one way street. Sam needs help, Dean asks, the brothers get it. Cas needs help? It’s somewhere around 50/50 to 20/80 depending on the season on whether or not he gets it. 

Now back to season 8. Towards the end of the season, Dean has Castiel completely benched and doesn’t even want him to come with him and Sam simply because he took the angel tablet rather than giving it to Dean. For what? Not trusting him. The issue is, trust does not seem to be a necessary thing for their relationship, as Dean actively refuses to give Castiel the benefit of a doubt numerous times. This rejections is what pushes Cas to be so desperate to close up heaven’s gates so he can “fix his home”. He has broken so many things, hurt so many people, killed so many of his kind. He just wants to fix something, to undo any of his wrongs, to do better. If everything he tries to do is seen as a failure by even his closest friends, can he really be blamed for his hasty attempts to jump through hoops and fix whatever he can. Working with Crowley, with Metaton(season 8), it all stems from wanting one thing, forgiveness. 

The next important thing to note is the reason this section is not Dean vs Castiel but rather Dean vs the world. It’s an exaggeration but, he does not just do this all or nothing love hate with Castiel. He doesn’t seem to realize it, but he does it to Sam to. 

In Season 8 episode 23 Sam has a quote that really puts this into perspective; “You think I screw up everything I try, I need a chaperone remember...What my greatest sin was... was how many times I've let you down I cant do that again. What happens when you decide I cant be trusted again? Who will you turn to next time? Another angel, another vampire?” 

Even if Dean does not yell at Sam with the same hurtful language has he does Castiel when he makes mistakes, Sam has been with him his entire life. He knows when Dean thinks he’s fucked up. And he internalizes it. Sam lives in fear of the next time big brother Dean decides he is on the wrong side of a debate and that rejection kicks in. It’s the first part, “everything I try” that plays into this. Not everything I do, every thing I plan, it’s everything I try. So this means “every time I fail it’s a toss up whether or not you’ll accept me through it”. Dean’s love is permanent, but not unconditional. He can give it or withdrawal it at a moment’s notice. Dean cannot be alone, we see that in Season 8 as well as season 5-6 when Dean visits Kevin or works with Castiel respectfully. So when he’s in the middle of giving Sammy the cold shoulder for messing up, he finds someone else to tag along until he can forgive his little brother. Sam clearly caught onto the pattern as he references it here. 

Getting real #deep: 

It’s dramatic, but I still feel the need to give Dean some slack. Well, not really, but an explanation is more useful than an excuse when it comes to negative behavior. Why is Dean so hot (and cold) with those he cares about most? It always goes back to ol’ papa Winchester, John. If we think about how Dean was raised and treated from a young age forwards, a pattern is there. He was a good son, a good soldier unless he made a mistake. Any slip up, regardless of intention, was just a fuck up. You go out to get more supplies because I’m a couple weeks late? Doesn’t matter why you left your brother unguarded, for example. Dean takes over a lot of his father’s personality when it comes to emotions specifically ( opinions, preferences, expression ect), so it makes sense he would use his father’s example to handle forgiveness too. Which is to say, he doesn’t let out much. Unlike John, however, Dean actually his a softy, so he always comes around eventually, but it still has a long lasting affect on his loved ones regardless. Just because he gets over it and takes them back in with loyal, over protective arms, doesn’t mean they feel any better about the judgement and rejection he already gave out. 

Season 10 episode 16, about 20 mins. in

For a refresher, this is the episode with infidelity resulting in stabbing,  by a  nun ghost possession. The sinners are all centered around a confessional. During the hunt, Dean goes in to give a confession and there is... a bit to unpack there. 

To begin his confession, Dean starts with “the ladies”. He goes in confident, snarky, and boasting. He flaunts his sexual prowess as though it’s something he’s proud of an any man could want/relate to. And yet, then his tone shifts to something more sullen. He expresses regret. Dean Winchester, the icon of self hate and repression, allows himself to open up about how crappy he treats the partners in his life. “it’s making me sick” Is how he expresses how he feels about himself and his actions despite constantly bragging about it. He deflects his actually emotions and portrays something very different to everyone else. He lacks intimacy. Part of that is likely just do to the hunter/Winchester lifestyle, but is that really all their is to it? 

He then goes back to being cocky when he asks if the hail Mary’s and such will clean his slate so he can do better, and when confirmed that the prayers (plus maybe some “self exploration”) would suffice, Dean stays. He doesn’t bolt out with a half wit comment about how pointless it all was, which easily could have passed for Dean-esque behavior, he stays. Mr. No chick-flick-moments, mention feelings and I’ll make a sleepover hair braiding joke Winchester volunteers to be vulnerable and get something “off his chest”. He even needs prompting to allow himself to speak.

Dean’s true confession is not about the women or the intimacy or the lying nor the killing, but about the things he won’t let himself experience. He expresses that he doesn’t really want to die because he doesn’t feel ready yet. His confession goes:  “There’s things, people, feelings that I want to experience differently than I have before. For the first time perhaps...Maybe there’s more to it all than I thought”.   First, I’d like to note his switch in tone. Sure the cocky and in your face womanizing at the beginning could in part be to lure their ghost out, but we’ve all seen and heard Dean act like this besides the confession, so this point is void. When he was giving his ‘true’ confession, he was mature and natural in speech. His tone is reserved and Jensen’s delivery is breathtaking. But the words of his confession has such a clear meaning. 

We know how he felt about Lisa and Ben, he loves the hunt more than anything else, but there was a lot of undeniable love there. So he doesn’t mean that level of intimacy when he says “feelings”. If not the intensity of the emotion than what about them? The nature of those feelings. He has had good friends and unlikely acquaintances and women of every flavor, so what does he mean by experiencing people differently. And in his own words, maybe even for the first time. What has Dean no been able to give to himself even after going black eyed with Crowley? What did that experience make him deal with acknowledging once he was human again? 

In other words, is there any way to read this confession as anything other than one of the steps in coming out? It can be said that his quick and deep bond with Charlie was just how much they had in common, and making connections and seeking out other LGBTQ+ people is one of the first stages of coming out. Allowing yourself to address your non-hetero feelings relaying it to someone else is even further down that list. So take your own opinions on what Dean’s confession really meant. As a fellow bisexual disaster who has had and answered many questions on sexuality, this reads very much like someone wanting to be themselves, but still being in the closet with themselves and with others.