If only...
Iām super normal, super talented, super ME. Iām a chubby kid but I hit the gym these days for me and nobody else. Iām a big kidā¦you canāt take life too serious youāll never get out alive anyway. Iām sarcastic, people say dumb shit I just react to it lol itās my personality Iām not mean my sarcasm is mostly for humor purposes. I wear my heart on my sleeve, we all have emotions no matter how cold we seem I just canāt pretend. When Iām hurt or mad you can see it all in my face and body language. Sometimes I can be a bit of a brat and miss the obvious, overlook my part in disaster, I guess. I really hate when things go bad I have tendency to obsess especially when I feel like I didnāt get a fair shot at something. When I wasnāt given the chance to show me or get to know āYouā. I mean I was there but the liquor had taken over and I checked out and I know thatās no excuse cause I should have paced myself. I donāt think there is such thing as pacing when you havenāt eaten and then start taking shots like a boss. Attitude counts for a lot tho. Iām always accomidating there was an issue I was putting effort to solve itā¦.I know my tardiness already set the moodā¦Didnāt plan on drinkingā¦the pressure of this āgirlā and her stank ass attitude then having to get on stage and make these people laugh was just too great. I needed to loosen up. Thanks for the beer. Yea, Iāll take that shot. Now Iām on stage and she wonāt even look up from her phone. āYouāre funny.ā Am I? Cause didnāt seem like you paid much attention. Yea, Iāll take that shot too. Solved your issue but by this time Iām already feelin myself and my coinciousness is at the door on itās way out, about to hit that auto-pilot. The conversation was finally flowing we were interacting like people trying to get to know each other. Iām happy. āHey Deek, Happy Birthday hereās a shotā one last look at her and down goes that last shot. Officially on auto pilot. A lot of shit happened that Iām sure you onāt understand and Iām laughing thinking about how innocent things probably came off as more than it was. I heard about the bathroom incident lol I also heard I was just drunk and using the bathroom. Iām sure even in that state of mind you were the only one I wanted. Trying to kiss someone youāve been friends with since you were 12 sounds more like a joke than an outburst of pint up emotions. Too bad you didnāt get to see all that happened if you had you would have seen when she actually gave in my reply was āWhy the fuck would we do that?ā even on drunk auto pilot I wouldnāt actually kiss her. Never been a desire. Weird. Anything after that was just drunken foolishness ie: the fall LOL no excuse for that apparently a nigga been hittin the gym and that meant I should run full sprint down three flights of stairs. Epic Fail. Thanks for rubbing my back while I threw up out the carā¦I feel like I had you pegged wrong. I thought you were just kind of a bitch at first Iām pretty nice for the most part and I felt like you had shut my shit down. After you got situated and we were talking my attitude towards you changed then I checked out but my mindframe was that sheās still a jerk. SO I lived in it for that moment. I felt like God brought me back for that moment just to be like āShe wasnāt that badā¦you were 2 hrs late picking her up.ā Iāve been blaming myself for the outcome my friends think Iām dumb because you were partially to blame too. I set the mood, totally but you took it to the top. I have been feeling like shit ever since that night thinking like if I could get one re-do this might be it. Not even for āYouā but for me I hate when I sabatoge myself. Iām sure your attitude is what it is but Iām awesome and Iām really sad that you had to miss out on me. Now that Iāve written this on my blog that nobody reads at 2:30am I have to let the situation go. There are no do overs in life just lessons and this one is a hard one learned all around. There will be more girls and Iāll probably make more mistakes Iām far from perfect. Sometimes people forget that they are too.
