#decrepitsunset

i also saw the post that compared him to a dying cat fleeing from his owners and i think that fits him so well. because his body is dying. and he doesn't know what's happening, he's just hurt and weak and sick and he is so so scared. and in his moment of clarity? all he can think about is spidey. he wants to apologize for something he never had control over and it breaks my heart!!! it makes me sick. he is so helpless and so grateful that they are willing to love him and he is so guilty that he can't help them in the same way. he doesn't even know he helps them so much more in every other way!!! he keeps them together.... not physically but ykwim. he is the glue (slime) that kept jonathan and spidey from falling apart during the earlier days and he's why they've grown close as a family now.

what if 4c logs back in?

the first concept i've thought of isn't likely, but highly inspired by rotation's hallucinations... but spidey and jonathan walking down any long path. the street, the sewers, a large building. and one of them, maybe both of them, see 4c standing at the end. he looks at them, waits for them to see him. he stares for a moment longer, and turns the corner. he vanishes like a ghost.

if only spidey could see him, shed probably shout and cry and run. jonathan would follow her and just.. be sad. concerned for her mental. he'd convince her to keep moving, that they would talk about it later. when they're safe. or is that the old jonathan? maybe they'd walk and talk. that works.

if jonathan saw him, he'd probably call out his name. he wouldn't chase, just look at spidey. say nothing when she questions him, and continue on. they wouldn't talk about it at all, no matter how much spidey would want to, but his heart would skip a beat when they finally reach the corner.. even if nothing's there.

if they both see him... well. spidey would run and jonathan would follow her. and then he'd be gone, and they'd look at each other. not sure what happened. and she'd want to search but he knows better. maybe they search anyways, just in case. they'd talk and talk until they feel okay to move again.

the second is if 4c plays a zombie. could he play himself? is it possible that a corpse could come back, that shooting him meant nothing? ish came back, but he was already undead.. 4c's just dead.

if he played a normal 'stronger' zombie, there's not much room for angst. maybe there's a way he would target them. i'm not really sure. it's not 4c.

i'm gonna preface this by saying that i am of the solid belief that chuck is a hallucination, not a ghost, despite the creators referring to them with both terms. i'm thinking of this with the concept that chuck knows jonathan's inner thoughts and is speaking based off of that.

chuck was jonathan's innermost thoughts. he knew exactly what jonathan needed to keep him alive in the moment. the first thing he said was:

"don't blame yourself."

jonathan is going through a lot right now. 4c's dead and spidey is missing. and he's seeing someone he has known for so long, telling him one thing. it's not his fault. it's not his fault 4c got bit. it's not his fault spidey ran from the hostel. he's not at fault and shouldn't blame himself. he is not deserving of death for things completely out of his control.

but it's hard to grapple with this. he could've watched 4c better, he could've kept spidey with him, or maybe he could've stopped her from getting attached in the first place- but no. he didn't. but he also didn't know that these things, completely out of his control, would happen because of the choices he made.

and as he grapples with that, chuck leaves his second sign.

"live for them."

of course, you'd first think... spidey and 4c. i think it's more than that. jonathan watched woogie die just a while before, and saw the direct aftermath of mike's death just before that. two more lives, and both inside the machine claimed to be an artificial salvation. he has witnessed so much death and so much emotion since the busgoers arrived. death and death and death. so much has happened that he hasn't even considered life. he's forgotten what it is like to live, and that's why it was so easy to push him towards the edge of the rooftop.

but he lived with spidey. he lived with 4c. he lived, i'm sure, chasing off augustus and chuck for so many years. there must be some reason those two were the ones who spent their last hour with him. augustus was so kind, making sure he wasn't going to die. chuck is there in his darkest moment. they mean more to jonathan than they know (or, knew)... more than he himself knows, even.

that is to say, though, that there are people still alive to live for. there are people who passed away to live for. there are people to live for. and one of them is waiting for him to find her. and that's why he stepped away from the edge he is going to live for them.

he goes to the hostel, just to make sure. she's not there and his resolve wavers. only then does chuck appear and speak again. "do it for her." just.. making sure he knows. she is waiting. she is looking. he is going to do the same.

and when he returns to the church, passing by augustus, he says "i'm not dead yet". he's not. he may have lived like a dead man up until today, but he's not dead. he's just begun to live. and so he returns to the church, where 4c's sign remains intact. and he says...

"i'll do it for them. i'll do it for them. spidey. i'm going to find you."