When You Need Me - Part 6
I’ll Be There
The McPartlin residence was a flurry of activity Wednesday morning, takeaway menus being found and set out on the kitchen table, family room being spruced up, and the stashes of Dec's favorite tea and snacks being checked. Ant was nervous but eager to see his friend after so long apart – for them, if they weren't on separate holidays, over 2 weeks without seeing each other was ages – and he was determined to set him at ease and help him to open up about what was troubling him. Ant knew now that he'd messed up by not being there for Dec over the past few weeks, and he knew Dec wanted him to put himself first, but at the same time, Dec needed him. That much had been made crystal clear by Christine – and Ali had confirmed it upon close examination by Anne-Marie. So Ant had made it his goal to get to the bottom of Dec's bizarre behavior and clear the air between them. Ant had made a vow to always be there for his friend, and he felt he had failed at that with everything that had happened in the past few months. He was going to make it right.
Dec had agreed to arrive at around 9:30am, in time for a late-ish breakfast to start the day off right. It was now almost 9:45 and Dec hadn't arrived yet. Typical Declan, really. If he'd been on time, Ant would have been more worried. As it was, he knew Dec would probably drive in any minute now, with or without a good excuse for his tardiness. Ant was currently in the kitchen, cooking up Dec's favorite breakfast – poached eggs with crispy bacon – and brewing a pot of his special tea. He knew he'd probably get scolded for going to all this trouble – Dec was expecting just some cereal and yoghurt – but he didn't care. He was going to spoil his friend today, whether he liked it or not.
Ant had been getting a lot of texts from Dec over the past few days, ever since the tabloids revealed his new relationship, just checking up on him, making sure he was okay. And yes, Ant had been struggling a bit, but he just wanted to move on. He didn't want to dwell on the past anymore. Lisa hadn't taken it well, and was reacting very publicly via social media. He was trying to avoid it all as much as possible. He didn't like the fact that Lisa was hurting, but at the same time, they had separated months ago. She had just as much right to move on as he did; it's just that he'd moved on faster. And he knew it wasn't going down well with some members of the public, but it was his life at the end of the day, and Anne-Marie made him very happy. Dec was being very supportive – as ever – even though he still just seemed a bit off somehow.
Ahh, there was the doorbell....And of course Dec was barging right in, using his own key to Ant's house rather than waiting for Ant to come to the door. Chuckling to himself as he heard Dec entering the foyer, Ant checked the time. 9:50am. By Dec's standards, that was pretty good – Ant was impressed! Turning the stove plate down to low to keep Dec's eggs warm, Ant walked through to the family room, meeting Dec halfway. Pulling his friend into a gentle hug, Ant said a cheery "Morning!" before pressing a swift kiss to the top of Dec's head which was currently tucked under his chin. Dec's grip on Ant was tight, as if he was afraid to let go lest he lost him forever. But Ant just dismissed his clinginess as being a result of their long time apart recently.
Speaking softly, Ant finally disentangled himself from Dec's arms, holding him at arm's length, "I cooked ya your favorites, Dec. Come on." Ant gave Dec a gentle shove in the direction of the kitchen, keeping his hand in place on his friend's shoulder as they walked into the kitchen. Gesturing for Dec to take a seat at the kitchen island, Ant hustled over to the stove, filling Dec's plate up with (mostly) healthy goodness and pouring his tea. Placing the feast in front of him, Ant grinned at his flabbergasted friend.
"Ant, you really shouldn't have!" Dec began in a small voice, "Why're you doing all this for me?"
"Why, mate? Because you're me best pal! Does there have to be another reason?" Ant had been expecting a scolding, not this peculiar reaction. It almost seemed like Dec didn't think he was worthy of Ant's care.
Dec just stared at Ant for a moment, studying him, before imperceptibly shaking his head as if at himself. Deciding to ignore his friend's strange behavior for the moment, not wanting to ruin his appetite with what he suspected would be a tough conversation, Ant patted his friend's shoulder while making his way to the stove to fill his own plate with food. He pulled up a stool next to his friend and tucked into his breakfast, nudging Dec's elbow in an attempt to prompt him to do the same. Ant was ravenous, not typically eating breakfast this late in the morning unless he'd had a lie in after a show day, and Dec was never one to have trouble putting away food. But now he was sort of toying with his food, pushing his eggs around on his plate. He looked guilty, oddly enough.
"Go on, lad, eat up!" Ant commanded jokily, pausing in his rapid demolition of his food to give Dec a quick side hug, squeezing him against his side for a moment in reassurance. That seemed to shake Dec out of whatever he'd lost himself in, and he started eating, although still not with the usual Declan gusto.
"So how's Ali, then?" Ant tried to start a conversation to break the unusually uncomfortable silence that had settled between them. Normally, Ant could almost always tell what Dec was thinking, but other than that strange guilt he'd picked up on earlier, Dec was unreadable at the moment. It was quite unsettling.
"She's not great, if I'm honest. Just taking it easy, trying to rest as much as possible. She's getting better, though, the docs said. Just gotta manage it until the baby's due." Dec raised his gaze from his plate, and Ant could finally get a good look at him. There were deep lines of exhaustion etched into his face, puffy bags under his eyes, and his neck muscles were so taut they were clearly defined. Really, his whole body screamed of stress and extreme tiredness. Dec was slightly slumped on the island bar stool, his chin resting heavily on his left hand while he reached for his mug of tea with the other. Taking a long gulp, his eyes turned to Ant again, catching him studying him intently. "What?"
Smiling sadly at him, Ant sighed, "You really need to take better care of yourself, Deccy. You look done in."
"I can't, though, can I!" Dec exclaimed, before his voice faded again, "I'm working out, trying to eat healthy and all, but...." Voice trailing off abruptly, Dec seemed to stop himself before he could reveal something he clearly didn't want Ant to know. Ant suspected it was a comment about work, maybe something along the lines of "It's hard work doing everything all by yourself." He was on more comfortable ground now, Dec was readable again. It was reassuring to know he wasn't so out of tune with his best friend that he'd lost their somewhat telepathic link.
Dec had now finished his breakfast, having eaten everything on his plate – Ant had no idea what an important milestone that was – and was pensively nursing his cuppa, both hands wrapped around the mug as if soaking in the warmth it offered.
"Come on, love, let's go somewhere more cozy," Ant suggested, noting the tiny smile that quirked Dec's lips at his use of that fond endearment. Clearing away their dirty dishes and placing them in the sink for later, Ant gestured for Dec to go ahead of him to the family room. Dec seemed dizzy when he got up, swaying slightly and desperately clutching at the island counter for a moment, before catching himself and managing to slowly make his way into the next room. That brief moment of unsteadiness was greatly worrying to Ant – he had no clue Dec hadn't slept in over 36 hours at this point – and he was further surprised when Dec chose to sit by himself in a plush armchair rather than settling down next to Ant in the loveseat like he normally would. Tucking his legs underneath him, Dec effectively curled up into a ball, still tightly grasping his mug of tea like a lifeline. Freeing a hand to tug at something caught in the fabric of the chair, an odd look crossed his face as he pulled out a long strand of Anne-Marie's hair.
"How's she taking it? Is she okay? It's not been...you know...." Dec hesitantly stuttered out, clearly unwilling to directly reference the media feeding frenzy that was taking place right now. He sounded genuinely concerned, though. He'd known Anne-Marie just as long as Ant had, and although he didn't really know her all that well, he knew she was a kind-hearted soul who didn't deserve the s***storm of paparazzi and tabloid lies her life had become. And because she had become such an important part of Ant's life, she now fell into the small group of people over which Dec felt fiercely protective...Despite his previously close friendship with Lisa which had now broken down beyond repair. And his jealousy over her taking his place in Ant's life.
Ant knew all this – except for the bit about Dec being jealous of his girlfriend – and he appreciated it greatly. He'd been rather nervous when he'd first broached the subject of having started a new relationship to Dec, but despite his initial surprise, Dec had been happy for him. He'd said he'd seen it coming a mile off, that Anne-Marie was a lovely – and very lucky – lady, and finished off by laughingly stating that Ant was a randy devil. And that was that.
So now, despite the odd feeling Ant had that something was definitely off with Dec, he felt deeply grateful for Dec's concern. "She's angry more than anything," he began, rage seeping into his own voice as he continued, "The stuff that's being said is just so unfair on her. I don't care what they say about me, it's her I wish they'd leave alone. She says there's been paps outside her house every day this week." Ant now sounded defeated, shoulders slumping as his girlfriend's angrily tearful voice came to mind again, telling him how she'd been ambushed outside her own home that very morning.
"It'll get better, Ant," Dec's voice was now gentle, comforting. "This is going to take a while to blow over, but people will get bored of it eventually. Neither of you have done anything wrong – it's your lives, and if you make each other happy, that's all that matters." He gave Ant an encouraging smile, eyes burning with concern for his friend. "Are you okay, Ant? Please be honest." Dec's voice was choked with worry. He desperately needed to know that this whole mess wasn't damaging his friend's recovering psyche. Even if Anne-Marie had taken his place as the most important person in Ant's life, he still loved Ant deeply and wanted – no, needed – his friend to confirm that the media storm wasn't putting a spanner in the works of his recovery. Ant had come so far already in just three months; Dec couldn't bear the thought of him losing ground again.
It definitely stung a bit that Dec had felt the need to ask Ant to be honest. Ant knew he had pushed Dec to – and far beyond – his limit with his repeated lies and avoidances of tough questions over the past couple of years. But he had been trying to make it right, to be entirely truthful with Dec. He was turning over a new leaf, and one of the new rules he was living by was to always be honest. "Yeah, I'm okay. Could be better, but I'm just basically trying to ignore it all, you know? It hurts, what Lisa's doing, but I don't blame her for being angry. I just wish she weren't making it all so public. It's very personal."
It was pretty obvious Ant was smarting from the overwhelming outrage at his having moved on so soon after the breakdown of his marriage, but Dec thought it seemed he was coping fairly well. Probably because Anne-Marie was his "rock." Unlike himself, who was clearly "just a friend."
Ant was studying Dec intently. He looked a bit like a petulant child at the moment – clearly lost in thought, but his lips were pursed in a pout...and was that resigned jealousy in his eyes? So it was true? Or was it? Surely Dec should know Anne-Marie hadn't replaced him? How could he possibly even think that?!
"Declan." Ant patted the seat next to him, demanding with a firm gesture of his head that Dec join him. When Dec stubbornly refused to move, Ant got up with a huff and bodily pulled a stunned Dec from his comfortable perch in Ant's armchair, dragging him over to the loveseat and plonking him down next to him.
"What the hell was that?!" Dec squeaked, his voice high-pitched with indignation.
"You're going to tell me what's going on inside that silly head of yours, Dec. You know no one can ever take your place in my heart, right??" Ant spoke quietly, calmly, knowing that he could easily put Dec on the defensive if he took the wrong tone with him. He knew he'd hit it straight on the money when Dec's eyes widened for a split second before his tough façade quickly started to crumble.
Dec didn't have it in him to fight. He was exhausted, worn down. He knew he'd been caught out, there was no use denying it. But he couldn't quite get the words out to answer, his voice stuck in his throat. "I...I..." He looked helplessly at Ant, eyes filling with tears as all his insecurities came rushing to the fore, the tabloids' crowing words like burning daggers in his heart.
Wordlessly, Ant scooted over and took Dec in his arms, holding him tight and rocking them from side to side. "I love you, Dec, you're me best friend. I know I've not been around lately – it was tough knowing you're doing BGT and I was feeling guilty about leaving you in the lurch like that. But I was selfish to ignore you the past couple of weeks," Ant's voice was loving, tender, guilt-ridden, his strong arms holding Dec gently, as if he was a fragile bird. "Anne-Marie hasn't replaced you, if that's what you're thinking; she never will. It's no different than me and Lisa. Anne respects our relationship – she knows how much you mean to me, and she's not about to interfere with that. All I care about is your happiness, pet, nothing's changed."
Safe inside Ant's arms, Dec wanted to cry – his throat was raw and his eyes were glistening with tears – but he couldn't. He was so emotionally exhausted he couldn't squeeze a single tear out. He just curled up with his head on Ant's chest, listening to his reassuring heartbeat.
"You don't always have to be strong, Declan," Ant whispered, pressing a kiss to Dec's head and cuddling him like a teddy bear. "You don't have to pretend in front of me, it's okay to let it all out if that's what you need. I'm not judging."
Even with Ant's tender encouragements, Dec just couldn't cry, even though he desperately wanted – and needed – to. "So...nothing's changed? We're still us?" Dec sounded slightly disbelieving. He was starting to really worry Ant now, he knew it, but he just couldn't help himself. He'd not been deaf and blind to all the whispers, both in the industry and amid members of the press and public, that he and Ant were no longer on good terms, that they'd gone their separate ways.
So when Ant had spent more and more of his time with Anne-Marie, even cutting down on the time he and Dec spent together because he "had plans" with his girlfriend, the rumors started taking hold in Dec's mind. Perhaps Ant hated him for going solo, maybe he no longer needed him because Anne-Marie was better to him, understood him better. And that's when the jealousy started – he freely admitted he'd never been good at sharing Ant, but now with how much he was missing him on a daily basis, he'd gotten even worse at it.
"Yes, Declan, we're still us," Ant dropped another kiss into Dec's fluffy hair. "Now stop being silly and answer me this: are you up for a Netflix marathon?"
Dec grinned despite the massive lump in his throat and tears standing in his eyes. "Are you asking me to Netflix and chill with you?"
"Woah, steady on, Declan!" Ant laughed, "We'll just see where things lead us, all right?" He winked cheekily at his friend, glad to have been able to bring a smile to his pinched face.
It faded quickly, though, Dec suddenly remembering something that had been bothering him ever since his conversation with Georgia four days ago. "Ant?"
"Yeah?" Ant was still holding him close, pressing him to his chest, and now tilted his head downwards to catch sight of Dec's face.
"Georgia said something the other day...Something about you getting angry about something the tabloids were going to print," his voice was reverberating with trepidation, and Ant was now tense – 'Dammit, Georgia, can't you ever keep a secret?!' Ant cursed silently, at the same time wondering how Dec was going to take this. He couldn't lie to him, he wasn't going there again. There'd been too many of those in recent history. Dec's insecure voice broke through Ant's thoughts again, "I got the feeling it was something about me. She said I should talk to you about it, that I'd be upset...?"
'Seriously, Georgia?! Full marks for originality in keeping secrets class' – Ant was furious, he couldn't believe Georgia had managed to bungle this so badly. How on earth had she made it this far as a talent manager when she couldn't even stop herself from mentioning something one of her clients – friends – had specifically asked her not to?!
Knowing Dec was still waiting for a response, peering up at him worriedly through his short eyelashes, Ant pushed down his anger. Then, "Wow, it must be bad," came an amused, although still clearly agitated voice, from his chest, "The vein's popped up in the middle of your forehead!"
That effectively broke Ant from his spell, and he snorted as Dec giggled nervously. "I told Georgia not to say anything about this to you," Ant began, deciding the whole truth would be better than a partial one, "And yeah, I told her that 'cause I didn't want you upset...." He trailed off again, unwilling to voice what the tabloids had been about to publish.
"Soooo??" Dec drew out the word, apparently trying for humor in an attempt to put Ant – and himself – more at ease.
This was horrific. He couldn't believe he'd been put in this situation. He couldn't give full voice to this, it was too horrid for that. With resentful, whispered words, Ant finally gave in. "The Sun's s*** sources claimed you'd deserted me when I needed you most, that we were no longer close," Ant was getting louder and angrier with each further word that left his mouth, "They were going to say I'd chosen Anne-Marie over you, Dec! That I hated you!"
'Goodness me, it's like they hired my insecurities as a source!' was Dec's idle inward observation, as he tried to process the fact that basically everything he'd been thinking had been that close to being printed in all the tabloids. He wouldn't have survived that, he knew that right now. But still there was that teeny tiny bit of doubt in his mind. What if Ant was pretending, like his brain had been telling him for weeks now?
He didn't actually mean to say it; it slipped out quite unconsciously, perhaps his subconscious mind working to provide him with a solid answer once and for all...."But isn't it true?"
Stunned silence.
Dec's mind was shouting "S***!" at the rate of once every half second. He couldn't believe he'd just said that out loud. If Ant hadn't fully hated him before, he surely would now. Why the hell did he agree to this?! If he'd said no to today's rendezvous, all would be fine. Their friendship wouldn't have been officially broken, he could have kept pretending all was well, even though he'd still have to watch Ant slowly replace him from every part of his life with Anne-Marie. At least it wouldn't have been over.
Sitting next to him, Ant was basically paralyzed. Dec's trembling words, spoken with utter conviction, had confounded him. Had he really been that terrible a friend to Declan over the past months? Had he ignored him so frequently, taken him for granted on such a regular basis that his friend believed he hated him? Forcing his sluggish mind to think back over the past couple of months, Ant started to see a pattern. Dec being there for him, Dec answering his phone at all hours of the night whenever it all got too much for Ant, Dec texting him, sending him little encouragements even when he didn't reply....The list went on and on. And what had he done for Dec? Very, very little.
Whenever they met up, they talked about Ant's recovery, his new life with Anne-Marie and her kids, his plans for moving, renovating the new house, etc., etc. Basically the only thing they talked about regarding Dec on a regular basis was the baby he and Ali were expecting. True, he would ask Dec how he was doing, but Dec always just sort of shrugged it off and said he was "fine." Not once did he complain – about going solo, doing everything himself....of being without his best friend. Not once. Yet Ant had seen the exhaustion, the defeated, lonely look in Dec's eyes. And he'd not done a thing, driven into silence by fear of having revealed to him what his actions had caused. Instead, he'd gushed about Anne-Marie and how amazing and supportive she was while Dec just looked happy for him and told him how pleased he was for the two of them, that he was glad Ant had found such a strong, supportive woman. Was it any wonder he believed he'd been replaced?!
Guilt overwhelmed Ant, leaving him speechless. He knew he had to say something, but he couldn't.
Bizarrely, Dec was still in Ant's arms, which had now gone rigid and were quite uncomfortable in their tight hold. Neither man could look at the other, both completely frozen by their emotions. Silent tears were running down Dec's cheeks, while Ant's countenance was stricken with grief at the pain his actions – or lack thereof – had caused. The only sound in the room was the steady ticking of the clock on the wall, counting out the seconds, minutes of a 29-year friendship being smothered.
Dec's pain was real. Very real. Every further second of silence was like someone viciously stabbing him with a million knives. Each second was a confirmation of everything his cruel insecurities had been preaching at him for weeks. But still, still, there was the teensiest bit of hope that maybe, maybe Ant would say it wasn't true. His continued silence was damning, though, Dec's mind running wild, his insecurities screaming from the rooftops, 'We were right, we were right!' And Dec couldn't take much more of this, but he certainly was not going to be the one to break the hush that had fallen over the room. Ant had to break the silence – whether confirming it was all true or rubbishing it. Otherwise, what would be the point of having started this conversation in the first place?
"I could never hate you."
Five little words. Spoken so softly it almost seemed they were in Dec's imagination.
"I'm so sorry, Dec. I never realized."
Okay, definitely not his imagination. His heart leaping, Dec raised his tear-stained face to gaze at Ant.
Feeling movement on his chest, Ant's mind stirred. His mam's words came to mind again: "Anthony David McPartlin, you. will. be. sorry. if you don't do something soon to save your friendship. He's at the end of his tether." He couldn't lose his best friend.
Jumping into action, Ant shifted Dec in his arms, basically lifting the smaller man into his lap and turning him to face him. His heart clenched as he took in the man before him. And he could see recognition in Dec's eyes as he began to speak.
"Dec, I'm so, so sorry, mate. I was afraid of facing up to everything I've put you through, I didn't think I could live with the guilt of what I've done to you. I haven't been there for you. I've taken you for granted, forgotten to show you how much you mean to me. I wouldn't have gotten through without your support. I can't live without you, pet. Please believe me."
Dec stared into his eyes throughout his impassioned plea, watching every emotion passing through his irises as if transfixed. Ant was telling the truth.
Launching himself at Ant, Dec buried his head in his friend's neck as he wept. With Joy? Relief? Pent-up stress and emotions? It was impossible to tell exactly. But as soon as Dec started to cry, Ant knew he'd believed him. That he'd saved their friendship from destruction. That not all was lost. That Dec forgave him. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he thanked the heavens – and his mam – for having pushed him to have this conversation. He couldn't bear the thought of his Declan thinking he hated him, that he found his undying support worthless. That he could ever replace him with someone else.
The house was still. The only sounds that of the clock and the shuddering breaths of two friends reunited. They cried in each other's arms for a good few minutes before they were both spent, no more tears left.
Dec pulled away first, face red and blotchy, eyes swollen from the torrential flood of tears that had burst forth. He took in Ant's sad face.
"I love you."
That was really all that was needed. It's a strange oddity of life how it is sometimes the smallest things that mean the most. In this case, those three tiny words said more than anything else Dec could have uttered. He could have come up with the most eloquent, gushing speech, but it never could have adequately relayed the message those three words offered up to Ant.
One last tear dropped from his eye at Dec's words, and Dec, in a moment of soppy sentimentality, kissed it from his cheek. They were far more intimate and affectionate in private than the public ever saw, especially when they were as emotional as they were now. That single kiss broke the spell, and they were Ant and Dec again, two best friends who'd been on the most amazing journey through life together. The indomitable twosome who had never stopped loving each other, even when they had lost each other due to the savagery of life.
"So are we gonna watch something or what?" Dec was beyond exhausted after all of that – not to mention his long bout of insomnia – but his voice now had a ring to it that hadn't been heard in months. There was a spark back in his eyes. A burning love back in his heart, shoving out the brutal soundbites his subconscious had repeated at him, beating back the vulnerability that had eaten away at his very heart and soul. Ant still needed him – he hadn't been replaced.
Eventually deciding on a series to binge watch, both men settled down, Dec curled up next to Ant, who had his arm draped over Dec's shoulders. They watched the first few minutes in comfortable silence, finding the opening scenes of the series to be quite spell-binding. They'd chosen a whodunit mystery thriller, and Dec was already starting to try to guess who the murderer was.
Ant relaxed into the soft cushions, tugging Dec closer to him with a small smile on his face. He loved it when Dec got like this, his childlike enthusiasm overruling his 40-odd years of life and taking Ant back to the earliest days of their relationship when they would watch telly together whilst stuffing themselves silly with crisps and pop. Ah, so many wonderful memories. Ant could feel himself starting to get misty-eyed as the years whizzed past his mind's eye – everything they'd done together, all they'd accomplished. But through it all, the only thing that really mattered was the person sat right next to him. Who had stopped wittering on about the case and was now staring at Ant worriedly. Oops.
Wiping his eyes, Ant explained, "Just sitting here with you, it took me back through the years, Deccy. Remember how we'd have sleepovers on Friday nights and then sit around the next morning, watching Saturday morning telly in our pajamas? Those were the days."
Dec could feel the lump re-forming in his own throat as the past swept him off his feet. "Yeah," was his simple reply, snuggling closer to Ant and tilting his head upwards to place a little kiss on the edge of Ant's chin. Ant chuckled, "Remember the time you did that on Takeaway? I quite liked it then, still like it now," he teased, grinning at his friend whose cheeks were now slightly rosy. "We're missing the show," Dec grumbled good-naturedly, sheepishly smiling as Ant cuddled him closer as way of apologizing for making him blush.
The rest of the morning flew by with the reunited friends amiably bickering over who the killer was, not unlike an old married couple. Early afternoon came and went before they reached the end of the 3-part series – neither one had guessed the murderer in the end – and both boys were rather hungry. It had now gone past 2:00pm, and Ant was starving.
Stretching his arms out above his head with a big yawn, Ant looked down at Dec, still scrunched up next to him. Ant frowned. Dec was surreptitiously pressing a fist to his upper abdomen, a slightly pained expression on his face. "Dec?" Ant began carefully, apparently startling Dec who hastily snatched his hand away from his stomach, "You all right? Something hurting?" Dec refused to meet his eyes, instead finding a loose thread on his partially open button down shirt intensely interesting, worrying at it nervously with his restless fingers.
Knowing Dec wasn't going to give anything away for free, Ant's mind started whirring. Dec had always suffered from a hyperacidic stomach over the years, mainly resulting in heartburn and indigestion, and he was never far away from a box of Rennies. In fact, he'd once suffered the indignity of having to admit to his stomach issues in an interview during their SM:TV Live days, when a packet of Rennies was discovered in his bag. He'd moaned about that particular invasion of his privacy for days, despite the fact he could have pulled the antacid tablets out of his bag beforehand. But Ant had never seen Dec react this way to heartburn or indigestion before, and he'd seen – and heard about – the symptoms enough over the past 29 years to know the signs as soon as Dec had a problem. Ant even carried a package of Rennies in his bag and had a stash in his medicine cabinet, just in case Dec ran out. No, this was something different, and Ant was concerned.
"Just need to eat," Dec finally mumbled, still avoiding Ant's gaze. Standing up hurriedly and attempting to make a break for the kitchen to escape Ant's questions, Dec was stopped short by a hand grabbing his wrist, yanking him straight back down onto the loveseat.
"Tell me," Ant growled, reaching out a hand to gently turn Dec's head to face him. He was determined to get an answer, and he knew Dec could never lie while looking him straight in the eyes. He was an honest man, was Dec. Gaze defiant, Dec muttered something unintelligible, trying to wiggle out of Ant's grasp. Ant was having none of it, though. "You can't eat until you tell me what's going on," he insisted, tightening his grip on Dec as he continued to wriggle away uncomfortably. Pouting at him, Dec fired back, "Not fair!" sounding like a little kid who wasn't getting his way.
"Declan!" Ant raised his voice slightly, eyes boring holes into Dec's skull. Finally giving in, Dec mumbled – just loud enough to be heard – "Have an ulcer." Right. That was new. Raising an eyebrow in a silent request for more information, Ant released his grip on Dec's wrist, knowing he wouldn't try to escape now the secret was out. "I've had it for a while, apparently, just never really had obvious symptoms," Dec grudgingly explained. Gaze fixed on the floor, his words now came out in a rush, perhaps hoping Ant wouldn't be able to understand him, "Guess-the-stress-made-it-worse." Ant placed a sympathetic hand on Dec's knee, squeezing gently before standing and offering his friend a helping hand.
"Come on, you, let's get something into that stomach of yours," Ant murmured, fingers curling around his friend's shoulder as he guided him into the kitchen and pushed him down onto a chair at the kitchen table. "What'll it be, then, darling? Cold cuts good?" Ant queried, peering into his fridge. Hearing a muffled laugh behind him, Ant turned to see Dec with a little grin on his face. "A sandwich sounds lovely, dear," Dec replied, eyes sparkling with amusement at how much they sounded like a married couple. Having built their sandwiches – competing to see who could do it quicker (Ant won; Dec pouted) – the men grabbed a bag of cheese-and-onion crisps, as well as some Minstrels, to share and decided to move back into the family room to start another series which had piqued their interest.
Scarfing down their food in comfortable silence, a rapidly emptying crisps bag between them – Dec finding he actually had an appetite that wasn't prompted by stress for once – Ant and Dec became engrossed in a documentary series. Truthfully, it was more Ant's scene than Dec's, dealing a lot with historic events, but Dec didn't care. He'd needed a day like today for longer than he cared to remember – just hanging out with Ant, doing all the things they used to do before everything fell apart. He felt really silly now for thinking Ant had replaced him with Anne-Marie, but he knew Ant understood why he'd thought that way. Placing his crumby plate on the coffee table in front of them and wiping his hands on a napkin, Dec moved the now-empty crisps bag out of the way and leaned into Ant again, resting his head against his shoulder with a contented sigh.
"Happy, Deccy?" Ant teased, glancing down at his friend who'd made himself comfortable, basically resting his entire upper body against Ant. His eyes were drooping slightly, the tension in his features easing slowly as he relaxed, stress and worry slipping away from him as he began to doze off. Guilt ate away at Ant's soul again as he took in his little friend, noting all of the lines on his face that didn't used to be there, and feeling the overtight muscles of Dec's neck and shoulders as he freed his arm from underneath Dec's torso and ran a palm soothingly over his upper back. "I'm sorry, Dec," he whispered sorrowfully, tears coming to his eyes as shame at how he'd wronged his friend overwhelmed him. A salty tear landed on Dec's restful features, rolling down his cheek. He seemed totally out now, bless him. Even asleep, however, the strain of the past few months was still visible. Normally, Dec looked impossibly young when he slept – Ant would jokingly call him his "little cherub" in reference to his youthful features – but now he looked older, weary, the pressures of life having left an indelible mark on him.
Another tear fell from above, landing on one of Dec's eyelids. Hand coming up to rub at his eye in a childlike gesture, Dec stirred slightly, eyes fluttering open for a moment before closing again. Only to open again, squinting tiredly at Ant. Ant was so lost in his own misery he didn't notice Dec was awake until he felt a warm palm cupping his cheek and wiping his tears away. A tiny growl sounded from the area of his chest, "Stop it, Ant, I don't blame you! You'd do the same for me if it was the other way 'round. No more guilt, please." Ant wasn't quite sure how Dec had read his mind, but he had, and his words hit home with blinding clarity. Dec straightened up, enveloping his silently weeping friend in a secure hug, whispering quiet reassurances in his ear. Ant's tears eventually slowed, and Dec pulled away, tenderly kissing Ant's temple before resuming his former position, drowsily resting against Ant's shoulder. "Seriously, Anth, you've been my rock for 29 years – it's about time I had the chance to repay you."
Still too choked up to speak, Ant just wrapped his arms around his loyal friend in silent thanks. Dec's head began to get heavier once again, slowly slipping down from Ant's shoulder to his chest, and from there down onto his lap as he gradually slumped over. Heart bursting with affection for the worn out man pinning him to the sofa, Ant ran a soothing hand through Dec's hair, gently massaging his scalp. He knew Dec inside out, and it hadn't escaped his notice that Dec was occasionally rubbing his temples throughout the day – a telltale sign of a headache. A sleepy, purr-like murmur drifted up to him from his lap, "Mmmm....'m sorry, Ant, I'm just...so...tired...."
"Just sleep, Declan, I'm not going anywhere," Ant reassured him, finally finding his voice. Turning the volume down on the television, Ant shifted slightly to get more comfortable, stretching his legs out on the coffee table and reclining back a bit more, quiet snores filling the room as his shattered friend finally found peace in the oblivion of sleep.
Roughly 4 hours later, signs of movement became visible on that luxurious loveseat in Ant's family room. Both Ant and Dec had been asleep for 3 hours, Ant following Dec into the land of dreams about an hour after Dec had drifted off. Now Ant was stirring, confused at first as to the identity of the heavy weight on his lap: Hurley was with Lisa this week....Ohhhh. Feeling around on his lap, unwilling to open his eyes quite yet, he felt a slightly stubbly chin under his hand, and everything came flooding back. That was Dec snuggled up to him. Glancing down, Ant's eyes shone with love to see the smaller man's head pillowed on his abdomen, hand lightly clutching Ant's shirt. He looked a bit younger than he had earlier now he'd gotten some proper rest – bags under his eyes slightly less puffy, and his features not quite so deeply bone-weary.
Grabbing his phone off the coffee table, Ant peered at the time. It was just after 7pm. Wow. Dec was meant to be home a couple of hours from now, yet he was still fast asleep. They hadn't even had dinner yet! Slowly extricating himself from underneath Dec, Ant quickly trotted up the stairs to the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him. After hitting speed dial for a very familiar number, Ant stood at the window, gazing out at the evening sky.
"Hello?" came a drowsy voice. Oops. It seemed all members of the Donnelly household were napping this evening.
"Al, hope I didn't wake you. Declan's been asleep for over 4 hours – completely spark out – and I really don't think he should be driving home in the dark tonight. Can you manage without him for the night? I promise to send him back in the morning!"
"Goodness, he's been asleep that long?! That's amazing, Ant! Did he eat anything for you?" Ali sounded beyond relieved to hear her husband was getting some much-needed rest, but slightly shocked. Had he been having that much trouble sleeping, Ant wondered?
"Yeah, full eggs and bacon breakfast, and a sandwich and crisps for lunch," Ant responded, voice still a bit gravelly from sleep.
"Oh, Ant, thank you so much, you've been amazing!" Ali was full-on gushing now, "You've no idea what it's been like trying to get him to take care of himself. The only thing he's done consistently is go to the gym, and that's more of a stress reliever than anything else....Of course I can manage, Ant. Just make sure he eats something...Erm..." Ali trailed off suddenly, clearly unsure as to whether she could safely mention Dec's gastric troubles or not.
"Yeah, I know, Ali, he told me. Right, well, if you need anything, call us. Our phones'll be on," Ant thought he could hear a voice downstairs, so figured he should end the call before Dec found him.
"Goodnight, Ant, and thank you."
"Night, pet!"
Ending the call, Ant bounded down the stairs to find Dec sitting up, staring blearily at his phone. At the sound of Ant's footsteps, he looked up. "I've got to get going soon, Ant, I didn't realize it was so late. I promised Al I'd be home by 9:00."
Grabbing the takeaway menus off the kitchen table and swooping back into the family room, Ant gleefully told him, "Nope, you're not going anywhere, Declan. I've talked to Ali all ready, and she agreed you should crash here tonight. You're too tired to be driving at night."
"But..." Dec began, ready to protest he couldn't leave Ali home alone all night.
"No buts about it, Declan. You'll be no good to Ali or the baby if you're laid up in hospital because you fell asleep driving home. We're going to order in a takeaway, and then you're going to get some more sleep." Ant left no room for discussion, his tone of voice quickly convincing Dec it would be fruitless to protest any further. At the same moment, he received a text from Ali ordering him to stay over at Ant's. Shaking his head in exasperation – but secretly rather relieved to not have to drive home – Dec gave in, taking the menus being proffered to him by his best friend.
"Don't think I'm up for a curry, but I could go for some Chinese. What do you fancy?" Dec yawned widely, leaning tiredly against Ant as they put together their food order.
A couple of hours later, a fully satiated Ant and Dec were settled comfortably in the family room yet again, this time on the large settee on the right side of the room. Dec's slight frame was fully stretched out lengthwise next to Ant, using his friend's abdomen as a pillow once again; Ant was seated in the settee's built-in recliner, and had kicked back to relax after finishing their meal. Neither man had the energy to move, fatigue rendering them both into boneless lumps. Dec especially was out of it again, rapidly losing his battle with consciousness, while Ant watched him through heavy-lidded eyes. Realizing neither of them would be moving to a proper bed that night, Ant tugged his warm, fuzzy Newcastle United throw blanket off the back of the couch, draping it lovingly over Dec. Dec always ran colder than he did, so was bound to get chilly during the night.
"Ant?" Dec murmured sleepily, burrowing gratefully into the blanket and nestling his head deeper into the folds of Ant's shirt, "Thank you for today. I needed this..."
"You don't need to thank me, Dec. When you need me, I'll always be there for you. I promise, no more shutting you out," Ant was merely whispering, but his voice was strong with conviction.
"I know, Ant. And I'll always look out for you, too, you're never in this life alone."
Although he was slightly choked up, Ant managed a tender, "Love ya, Deccy Doolittle. Now get some sleep, you're so worn out you're making me tired."
A little chuckle escaped Dec: "You'll be just as tired soon, dear – you'll be back before you know it."
Touched by Dec's utter confidence in him, Ant reached out a hand and grasped Dec's smaller one in his own, squeezing gently.
And so it was, that, having remade the vows that had first bound them together 25 years ago, Ant and Dec drifted off together, wrapped up in their cocoon of unconditional love, dreaming of the not-so-distant days when all would be well again. And in their sleep they smiled. When you need me, I'll be there.
