#deathsucks

I remember when I was little

There was a tree standing near you

At some point I hid behind it

Because I didn’t want to look at you

Perhaps I thought I was safe

That the wind blowing through the leaves

Could also blow me away

That was when I was probably seven

I didn’t go back there till 2012

I wanted to be put through hell

So I visited but couldn’t find the tree

I was trying hard to pull the memory

To remember everything

But I was a fucking child !!

I went to England without saying bye

Without telling you how I felt inside

About all the bullshit you put me through

And how you were never there for me

You spent the entirety of my childhood

Beneath that stupid fucking tree

And when I went to see you

To say I missed and loved you

That I was a better man than you

I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t see the tree

My wife convinced me to go back

In 2016 we made the plans

I traveled two days in a car

Scripting what I’d say to you

When we got there my wife found you

Before I ever found the tree

She walked with me to see you

My name laying face up on the ground

You had no Sr so I won’t put a Jr

When they place me next to you

I stood there. Shaking

My wife seeing my heart breaking

For 30 years I have wanted to talk

And now that I can

I can’t move my mouth

I just shake out of 30 years of emotions

The hatred the rage

The love that never came

The father you weren’t

The father I am

How I need you

To be proud

To hold up my hands

To stop the thoughts

Of suicide from

The shitty life

You left me to live

Dead before I was born

It doesn’t make a difference

I was your last child

And I needed you most

She named me after you

So I was a constant reminder

Of the abuse that she took from you

They said I look just like you

Perhaps when I die

My dry bones will too

I never said a word out loud

My wife just walked me back to the car

We went to a wedding after seeing your grave

I just prayed there child wouldn’t suffer

From their father passing away

And only leaving dry bones