ASK SEME - A Yaoi Advice Column
Ask Seme is Yaoi News' monthly advice column. If you would like your letter answered by Seme send a message through our Facebook or place your letter in your comment when you reblog us on Tumblr. Submissions become the property of Yaoi News and may be edited for conciseness or lols.
Dear Seme, I don't consider myself gay, but I'm a long-haul truck driver and sometimes I get cute guys to mess around with me in my truck bed. I enjoy this more than sex with women. You think I might be a little gay? This worries me alot. -GuyCurious in Alabama Dear Curious, 'Long-haul truck driver' sounds like a most plebeian profession. It does not surprise me that your small mind is incapable of fathoming more shades of gay that merely black or white. Imagining the swathes of body hair over grotesque Big Gulp belly makes me sick. I shall answer this letter no further.
Dear Seme, This one time me and my boyfriend were on top of the Empire State Building and he dared me to take a shit over the railings. And I was like, no, but I totally did it anyway. I think some Japanese tourists saw me, but they also could have been Chinese. Anyway, my question is, how do I get sempai to notice me? -Kohai in New York
Dear Kohai, Why would any sempai want such a disgusting creature as you--who can not even tell Japanese from Chinese?
Dear Seme, The captain of the football team is always lurking around me, staring at me with bedroom eyes. I once caught him peeping at me in the shower room. Around the same time his strange behavior started I began to get cryptic gifts left in my locker, like hot pink shorts and Valentines chocolates. How do I tell the difference between one who's destined to become my seme and a deranged pervert stalker? -Scared in Topeka
Dear Scared, To determine the answer to this we must scrutinize the captain of your football team. Is he taller than you? Does he smoke? Are his eyes more narrow and serious than your own? Does he sometimes pause to take a drag on his cigarette before answering a question? When he first kisses you, take note, does he feel it necessary to pin down both your wrists? Does his manhood produce its own lubrication? Does he do or say things that make you furious, only to follow up with a sweet gesture that makes you gasp? Is he quiet during sex except for one or two grunts when he comes? Does he only smile with one side of his mouth? Does he pretend not to care when you give him a scarf as a gift, only for you to discover later that he's secretly wearing it under his coat? Are dogs scared of him? Does he have unnaturally long fingers (which also produce their own lubrication)? If all these things are true then he is a seme. If even one of these things are false he is a serial killer, but you may be able to change him through your incomprehensible devotion.
Dear Seme, I think it's important in relationships to switch roles sometimes to spice things up. If you really love your partner you should be willing to bottom sometimes. Also, can I have my own advice column, too? -Your Uke
Dear Uke, ...
Thanks to M. Wilson for his suggestion regarding this column. Yaoi News tries to update every Monday and Thursday. Comments are welcome on our Facebook or when you Reblog us on Tumblr. Don’t forget to Like and Follow!
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