#dearsantana

dearsantana replied to your photo:↳ INSTAGRAM: @blainetheking uploaded a new photo.I...

Do you think she would let me borrow her sunglasses?

You're amazing. No really. You're roughly 6 months pregnant at this point, with twins, and you're still super mom and manage to get a billion things done at once. For the record, you hate house hunting, and it was definitely crazy stressful for you, but we did it, and you were surprisingly calm even though were were basically living out o f boxes for the last few days before we hauled them all over to our new house. You never let Sarah know how stressed or upset you were, and I can tell you're ready to have these babies, but you're doing so, so well. I can hear you playing with Sarah in the other room right now. You think I'm unpacking our room (I'm not. But I will). I just thought you should know that I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. And I know you're trying really hard to stay calm and not freak because of all the stuff we still have to do, and I just thought you should know you're doing a really, really good job at it. I love you. Forever & ever babe. 

Dear Sanny,         You cry at night. You cry and you have nightmares, and you talk in your sleep, which is something you only do when it’s a really bad nightmare or when....when I’m not there to hold you. Sarah told me on the phone when you called the other night. You weren’t there, I don’t think, because I think even she knows not to say she knows that when you’re right there. You wouldn’t have been able to talk to me on the phone afterwards anyway, but you did talk to me, and you didn’t sound like you were trying to hide anything, even though I could still hear the pain in your voice, but it was super strong now, now that I know you cry. I think I was the one who made you cry, because it was the night after we fought that she told me that. And I hate fighting with you. I shouldn’t have said all those things. You can’t change what you did, and I know you’re so, so sorry about it.I know you are, but that doesn’t make it easier for me. I can’t stop thinking about Sarah. And I know you weren’t thinking about her when you did that, but it’s all I think about. Because it affected her too and it sucks that it did because she’s still a baby and she’s innocent and she should be able to snuggle up in between her parents in bed every morning. She shouldn’t have to be picked up and out of her house that night that I took her from you. I shouldn’t have done it. I should’ve been more...composed about my decision. I wouldn’t change my decision, even though I wish I could. I wish all the time that things weren’t like this. I think I say that a million times a day. But it doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t.             And it’s changed Sarah. You’ve noticed, I know you have. She’s more clingy to everyone around her. She’s smarter than we think. We should’ve sheltered her more through the whole divorce. She told me the other day that she was scared she’d never see one of us again. And I never want that. You have to know that. I’m never going to take her away from you and I tell her that all the time. That’s why she always asks for me when she’s with you, and vice versa, I think. I wish we had a perfect little family. And I think we do. Is that weird? Because even though everything is so screwed up right now....We’re still kind of...family. Because we all still love each other. And I love you. And that’s the scariest thing ever. I remember that I love you everyday. I can’t forget it. I can’t. After I left, I tried, but I gave up trying a long time ago. Because I love you, and that’s never going to change, no matter how much you hurt me. And you did hurt me. But...I don’t know. I love you anyway.

To the Moon & back,