#dearnormies

To those of you who wrap elegant holiday gifts with no regard for the later process of opening said gift...look we get it. Presentation is everything! After all you wouldn’t want to give a sub-par looking gift. It’s Christmas, or the holidays, or whatever appropriate title is used these says; and you have to be at your best! Even the crappiest of crap gifts deserves proper wrapping to, quite literally, mask the fact that the gift is garbage. But for the love of Santa, know your audience!

How in the world do you expect a person who can barely grasp a cell phone to have the dexterity to rip open paper? “Well it’s just paper” says the accused, and while that is true, it is glossed paper. “Why should that matter?” retorts the now increasingly guilty party. Let’s look at this logically: 

Gloss makes things slippery

Slippery, flat objects require x amount of grip by the recipient to control. 

Therefore if a gift is wrapped in glossed materials, it will take x amount of grip by the recipient to handle and open said material. 

Pretty basic right? But let’s not forget to add the ultra-super-sticky-grip-tape to the equation. Frosty forbid you use no-name brand tape to do the job! What’s the worst that could happen? The gift opens slightly on one side?! Well that would actually help in this case; so don’t bother waisting the extra few cents on the tape with the duck, or gorilla, or whatever other brand there is out there that promises the “perfect seal”.

“Ok, I hear you. So I’ll just use a bag this year” says Brenda (the gift wrapper is named Brenda now). Dammit Brenda, we’re getting teary-eyed with all the growth you’re showing! But wait, did you just tie the handles together with an impossible knot of ribbon? “Well ya I thought-” BRENDA SHUT YOUR MOUTH WITH ULTRA-SUPER-STICKY-GRIP-TAPE! Do you really need us to spell this one out for you too?! No, no we refuse. Now you’ve gotta sit there and awkwardly watch as we take 10, 20, hell maybe 30 minutes to untie that stupid ribbon you HAD to get super tight! Were you worried the gift would just fly out of the bag?! You know what else would prevent that from happening? It’s a phrase most post-men and women ignore: “Handle with f***ing CARE”!

Brenda...Brenda stop crying, for nutcracker’s sake. Look, just open the damn gift for us, and we’ll all have a merry whatever.

For those adorable people who’ve injured yourselves doing some extreme sport, or whatever drunken incident you might have had at the slopes, or lake, or wherever you people go to do these things, and are now in a chair because of some dumb ankle cast filled with everyone’s “meaningful” get-wells (because you will in fact get well with time and patience):

You’re cute. You’re sympathy and new-found understanding of the conditions and realities (sort of) of people in wheelchairs is cute. As adorable as it is, please stop giving us those “I get you now” nods. You don’t get. It’s okay that you don’t get it.

Eventually you will walk once more, and toss your folded chair like it meant NOTHING to you. Because it didn’t mean anything to you. And maybe you’ll write some long winded social media post about your struggle and tremendous journey from the past week, and express all of your growth and need to never go back there (in that chair) again.

We can put aside our pride, and admit that you did go through something. Congratulations! Now maybe, just maybe, you can help advocate for a more accessible world. No?? But we thought we had a connection? WHAT WERE ALL THOSE NODS FOR?? Well okay then, let’s all get on with our lives and just be friends.

To those of you who don’t treat walking like driving. Look, we get it, you’re not in your car so suddenly laws and decorum no longer apply...for you. 

Meanwhile, we’re expected to zig-zag around all of you like mice in a d*mn maze in order to get through hallways, malls, or parking lots of all places! All the while you remain completely oblivious to the fact that we need to predict your moves 5 or more feet ahead in order to keep you safe. Well...technically it’s to keep us safe too, but still! 

And trust us, this is NOT an easy task. One minute your feet look like they’re going one way, and then you’ll suddenly stop, or turn, with zero signs of intention. But somehow, after more than 20 years of driving a wheelchair, we manage to NOT cut you down. Go figure...

Will we ever get a “thank you!” or a “gosh we appreciate your ability to not be an a**hole!” NOPE! Instead you stay glued to your phones or whatever else is taking up your attention while walking around an open space that you don’t own but totally act like you do, and we continue to keep you safe.

Why can’t we have a system in place? One where people going in one direction go in this line-like state; and those who are going in the opposite direction go in another line-like state. We can call these lines, LANES! YES! And, and what if one has to give some sort of gesture in order to turn or stop suddenly, so that those who are following will not smash into the person turning? We could these SIGNALS! Wait why is all of this sounding familiar? Oh that’s right, because these are DRIVING LAWS ON ROADS!!!

Maybe this is all too much to ask. So at the very least could you please be more mindful when walking? Pretty please?

To those of you who’ve asked “How does it work being disabled?”:

First off... Hi, how are you? It’s a lovely day outside isn’t it? But since you clearly didn’t want to carry a pleasant conversation, and insist on pointing out the one physical thing that differentiates us from you on a purely outward level, allow us to answer. I don’t know what “it” is, but it works just fine.

To those of you who think we can open a door in the middle of winter,

We cannot. There are plenty of other people in wheelchairs who can accomplish this task on their own. However, just like there are a range of flowers in a garden, we are not the same as these other wheelchair users. We understand the difference is not visible; but have no fear. There are a few signs to look for:

If we’re banging on the disabled door button and it doesn’t open, we may need help.

If we scream out loud “Why won’t this f*cking thing open!” We may been help.

If we are looking directly at you and say “Excuse me can you open the door” We may need help.

To those of you who think we’re rude for not initiating a hand shake,

Please remember we have a wheelchair to drive…with a right hand (unless we're lefties). This will take priority, so we apologize if we caused any disrespect. This is never the intention. We also forgive you for your awkward social reaction caused by this deviation from the norm.