#dearmyblank

Remember when you told me about a friend that you were really close to, and now you barely talk? That's who we are now. I send you texts but you don't respond. It's difficult to talk on the phone when we are now in different time zones, but all of this started happening before I moved.

I could talk to you about anything. You were the only one I could freely tell about my depression. You were the only one who noticed when I was getting better. You were the only one who noticed my skin was starting to clear up, even when I didn't tell you that I started using a new product. 

I miss you. I know you have issues too, and you didn't really discuss them with me as much as I talked about my issues. Is that why you won't talk to me? Was I being a selfish bitch? I didn't want to push you. I'm so sorry.

I wish you the best. I don't know if I'll see you again. 

I hate it here by the way. I'm sure you were wondering if I'm having a blast after finally moving away. I'm not. I cry almost every day.

Dear ___,

I want to watch the moonlight illuminate your face as we blow cold smoke out into the winter air.

After a long day of studying, I want to make you laugh as you throw your head back and loosen your tie before sitting down next to me.

I want to have a couple of drinks with you and feel the trauma wash away from my body.

I want to take your pulse and feel the life thriving inside of you- just below the surface. 

Your mum texted me. She said she misses me.

I went to text you the other day but I’m trying to stand my ground. I want us to be able to live our independent lives but I also want you here.

Everyday I feel regret fill my body. Did I make a mistake? Everyday I have to remind myself that I did this for a reason. It’s too soon to see if you want to talk to me again, but what if the right time is too late.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I needed space. We needed to grow by ourselves. I’m hoping maybe we can grow together again.

I hope I am allowed to grieve the death of your family member. You and I haven’t spoken in 6 months, but a 4 year relationship can’t be ignored.

I cried a lot. I always think about the photo we took together, how she adored me and made sure to tell me I looked gorgeous.

I cried a lot. I feel guilty for being so sad. I’m sorry I put so much hurt on you. I guess it’s finally coming back around to me again.

I feel guilt for hoping that you come back into my life again.

This one is for you. I know it might sound cliched, but I am rooting for you. Whatever you are going through, I hope  it will pass soon and that you'll be able to look through this time and see how much your life has gotten better.

You might have sent letters, or texts and had no one do the same for you. That's me right now. If you are going through something similar, I hope this comforts you.

Have a great day! You are an amazing person!

Love,

Hi. You don’t know me, really. I met you once. At a meeting for a club we were in. Well, I’m still in it. You graduated. The other time you were on your bike and you rode past me and said hello and I did too. It was springtime. 

 You’ve been in my internship this whole semester. You’re a leader or something. I see you on zoom each week. We’re not really the same group though so we don’t talk. I haven’t gotten to know you, but I see you there. I know my friend went on a date with you once. People know you.  

I see you. With your amazingly cute hairstyle and wonderfully big glasses. Your nose ring. Your smile. Your clothes.

 You don’t know me. 

How can I be enthralled with someone who doesn’t know me?

 The time I met you I was still with my boyfriend. And I remember thinking, in that meeting, that if I were to like girls, or anyone other than men, you’d be someone id like. 

You helped me understand that im queer.  Thank you. You have no idea.

I feel so much shame. Why did I have to realize now?  I love my queerness. But I think youre leaving our college town after this internship, so I don’t know if I will ever see you again. Should I reach out? Say something? Is it worth it?

What is it like to be painfully enthralled with someone who is leaving?

Have I created a false fantasy of us being together one day in my mind all this time?

What am I thinking?

I’m so scared?

I just want to kiss you. I imagine how wonderful you must taste.

Your voice is so incredible. Gosh, it is just so cute. 

I can’t believe it took me this long to realize. Why couldn’t I have had let myself have a crush on you while you were still in school? What is this! This is so unfair! there is so much pain from everything else. everything has so much pain within it. I am constantly trying to escape and push through and heal and jump and dance.

And I don’t imagine being with you would be any escape from that pain, but it would just be joyful. 

I want joy so badly.

I imagine us running down the beach, tripping over ourselves and ending up in the sand. Laughing, kissing, dancing to music.

 Is that just my dream?

 I imagine us running into the ice-cold lake and coming out screaming.

Going home and showering together and kissing you pressed up against the wall. Being with each other as day turns to night. 

Waking up. Making pancakes, being silly. Syrup. Blueberries. More laughter.

Is this just me not wanting to be with myself? Or is this just a crush? I can’t tell. I can’t tell what is an escape and what is not. I don’t know what I deserve.

I do know that I just would love to kiss you and hold you in my arms. Who are you? I don’t really know.

Do I know me? 

I just can’t stop crying.