Hi Julia,

Remember that day we met at the playground? We were both flush with naivity and ripe with innocence; tender with joy.

Sometimes, when I least expect it, I find myself remembering those simple moments; how important they are, really, in the grand scheme of things.

Julia, I am so sorry for forgetting how much we loved one another and what great friends we were–soulmates in this crazy, enchanted life.

I am awake, again, like we were that fateful day we met. Bright-eyed, enthusiastic, hopeful.

Remember when I told you I don't believe in God? You were unwavering in your faith and I was a servant to my mind. Funnily enough, you used to admire me for my mind, while I believe I looked up to your soul. It was evolved beyond, almost before, its (our) time.

Rejoice, my old (young) dear(est), friend, for our souls have met somewhere in the beginning, the middle (now).

I see you clearly n o w and I am in awe at the love I feel for you.

We are both alive, my friend, but something very real has died in us...something very necessary.

And so, I will see you on the other side, my friend.

I forgive you. Forgive me, please, as I forgive myself. I love you, relentlessly, infinitely, faithfully, as I love myself.

Hello-goodbye, my beautiful friend (soul).

(because she doesn’t actually want to hear what I have to say & she’ll probably never read this. So... this is my thought vomit) 

Today Julia called me crying because she didn’t get into a summer research program she worked so hard to apply to. I think at first, I just brushed it off as one of her school problems and I told her to stop crying and to get over it. But then I thought about it from 3:00PM-10:30PM. 7.5 hours. And it broke my heart. So here is a letter to you Julia. Things I wish I could say to you and things I wish you would believe for yourself.  

Dear Julia, 

I don’t really know you. I don’t know your insecurities, I don’t know your worries. I don’t know what you struggle with on a daily basis. Heck, I don’t even think I know your favorite color. And today I realized this is all because my whole life I’ve created a wall between us and held on to the idea that we are COMPLETE opposites so 1. You will never understand me and therefore 2. I don’t need to understand you. So I’m truly, genuinely sorry. For the crappy sister I’ve been. 

But here are some things I would tell you every day if you weren’t so ignorant like I am. If I could talk to you about my life and my feels the way I talk to some of my friends. 

Don’t let anyone tell you to be quiet. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re too loud or annoying. Not even me. Your outgoing, loud, vibrant personality? That is the beautiful you you are. So don’t ever let anyone knock that down.

I know it’s so so hard, but don’t compare yourself to other people. Comparison kills. I lived my life comparing myself to others. Why am I not as talented? Why am I not as pretty? Why am I not as skinny? Why can’t I get along with people as well as they do? And yes, I still do. But you know what? We are all different people. You have your own strengths. God made you so so beautifully. He gave you so many talents. So many amazing qualities. You are his masterpiece and it probably hurts him to see you treat it so poorly. 

Failing hurts so much but can help you immensely. One of my biggest regrets in life is always backing out of something if I knew I was going to fail and not wanting anything with everything I have. Because now I live in the fear of failing. So fail. But don’t get so discouraged. get back up and try even harder the next time around.

Please stop doing things because you think it’s the right thing to do. Please don’t be like me. Don’t go to church thinking you’re a bad person if you don’t. Don’t go to church because “it’s the right thing to do”. You don’t have to be a righteous person all the time.

You might think that if you complete everything on that check list of yours, your life will be perfect. But that’s really debatable. Don’t hold onto false security. When all of your achievements are taken away, what will you hold onto?

Sometimes, it’s not always the circumstances that need change but your perspective. 

I love you so so much. So please don’t be afraid to talk to me. Whether it’s about boys, school, friends, God, doubts, problems, worries.