It's been almost three weeks since I've last seen him, and within those weeks I have convinced myself that I do not like him but OH MY FUCKING gOD my soul yearns for him like a straved, famished, and thirsty little dog. I have tried talking to other people to distract myself from the thought of his presence but he's like a dick popping out of nowhere in my mind. I want him sooo bad but at the same time I feel like I'm lying to myself, maybe I just want to be loved by him or maybe he's just the only cool person in that damned shithole of a place(school) WHO CARES IF HE HAS LIKE WHAT?? SIX FUCKING EXES?! AND BESTFRIENDS WITH ONE OF THEM? AND WHO CARES IF THERE'S LIKE BAZILLION(about 3) PEOPLE CONFESSED TO HIM ON HIS CONFESSION LINK? obviously not me 😍(A part of my soul was crushed and pulverized into ego-lowering dust) I actually don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Uhm anyway, I HATE HIM SO MUCH TO THE GUT. I HATE how i have this need to always check up on his posts or stories. I HATE how I only want him for myself. I HATE how I would draw on the back of my test paper just so he could notice it and check my paper. I HATE how I become cringy when it comes to him OMFG. I HATE HOW I BECOME SO DELUSIONAL HE MAKES ME I HATE HIM SO SO MUCH I WISHED I WAS HIS FIRST LOVE. I hate the fact that my body distance myself from him but my mind is always looking out for him. I feel like I've been bewitched, I don't think like this to a certain person before. What if I'm not delusional and he actually pulls up some witchcraft, that would be actually so cute. HELL NAW SEE THAT WAS MY DEMONS THAT WAS NOT ME 😭 It's unbelievable how alienated i feel towards my own body after liking him UHM?!.. I wish he takes responsibility of his existence and actually confess to and take me out on a date or idk..

I have this girl in my class and it frustrates the hell out of me because... I don't know but he is simply taking up the spaces of my mind to the point I ask myself if this bitch pulled some wizard shit on me. I mean yeah, he's cool or whatever, we have similar music taste and interest in this city full of shitty ahh but my heart don't thump and jump whenever he's a round but I do get shy and embarrassed. IT IS SOOOOO CONFUSING.

In these crystalline moments, when I feel the true shape of the ends of my being, I can only be glad that my steps have led me this way.

This, this right here in this world, is my wildest dreams, coming true in front of my eyes, under my fingers, and running deep, deep down the core of my very consciousness, the message written so deep into my code that I can hear no sound but the heartbeat of death himself, and yet, I can hear it’s call.

This, that I write, in these, the crazy months, the madness months, where all falls to ruin, to chaos and entropy.

And yet;

These are the whispers that make my mind, that whisper in the depths of my soul, far beyond any mortal reach.

This, the story I write in the next 5 and a bit months, will determine all that I am, all that I ever will be, and all that I could be.

So, understandably, I’m nervous.

Heart flutterbeating, shrieking and hawing in sounds no human can hope to follow, the sun in my centre glows strong, fierce and bright, and yes that’s an oblique reference, keep up won’t you, we’re stealing time from the heavens themselves, rebuilding the world backwards from the beginning, remembering what we should not, forgetting what we really oughta have known, only we’re running too fast to stop this speeding arrow, so why not just;

Play in the slipstream.

It’s the little slips of the tongue that give it away, the self-satisfaction of knowing the job is well-done, that you could not have done a single thing better.

They smirk, glimmering with badness, simmering with mischief, watching blackly from the shadows.

If you take the time to watch them, they pause;

Regard you,

And, in their own way, pass judgement.

If you are lucky, they pass you by with never a glance more.

If you are even luckier, they may spring upon you and bear you away to a different place indeed, where everything you knew was topsy turvy, and the helter skelter of your old life passed you by until all you remembered was the new.

And if you are not lucky, then beware their gaze, for you will find a darkness far deeper than any the human mind can yet perceive.

What more could I possibly ask for, than this, right here: the chance to tell my story live, as it happens, as I forge my own path upon this world.

Oh, these steps wander ceaselessly across the plains of my mind. Sanctuary here is more than just a playing field. Here, each step brings you closer and closer to the end of the game, when all becomes clear. 

For from the moment we step, bare-footed, onto the grounds of Sanctuary, your every thought, your every wish and dream and hope, every secret longing and yearning, every stray, idle thought you have ever thought; is measured, weighted and judged by an unflinching court of strangers.

And with each step we take, we change, we alter to match the resonance that beats beneath us. We find the common ground and then all the world is ours to make of as we will.

When you can truly  and whole ly experience

               the   distortions

  Appa// ^ rent in the very fabric of a world’s being.

How can you fit back into the tiny shells of the life someone built to keep us small? How can you give up all you are to fit inside a ghost that breathes life in only one way? To fit back into a life the size of a tiny little cupboard under the stairs of the family time left behind??!

We are young, not stupid, not worthy of your instant dismissal. You see us and think we are <.fp20924′;- ??? {Insert dismissive slur in intended recipient’s language.}. We transcend your primitive boundaries, but we follow your codes, your rules and legislations, not because you coerce us ^though you do that as well, but because we choose to honour the system that is in place.

But heed us well, for this is simply an interim stage. We build for ourselves a world you cannot yet imagine. And because of us, one day you will be able to experience it, to feel for yourself the electric sparkle of the power that shapes us, runs the synapses of our mind’s eye, and courses through the river of our blood as easy as breathing.

One day, the world our words describe will come real, will step up out of the page to greet you, and you will know a little more of the secret that spells the end of Death.

For this, in the end, is our enemy, our teacher, our guide and our task.

To decode Death.

Oh the audacity, the nerve! How could we ever have considered such a rebellious act, in direct contravention of the operational standards, which are coded towards Life.

~Faith.

When you see the light above the mantelpiece, you will know for certain.

The moment you see and understand the reference and can trace it to this moment...

You know that you are come Home.