#deardearleader

Greetings Glorious and Submissive Citizens!

I don’t know if you guys noticed, but I’ve been SUPER busy these past few weeks. First off, the DPRK had another wildly successful ballistic missile launch (it went 500 km, which is basically the same distance to the moon.) which caused a bunch of Western idiots’ panties to get all twisted. Other than it being the most awesome display of firepower in the history of civilization set to the music of the Backstreet Boys, I’m not really sure what the big deal is. Anyway, I’ve ordered 5 million more missiles and requested that all of them have face of my arch-nemesis, dokkaebi Donald, painted on the butt end. Get it? Because he’s such a butt. LOLZ! 

Here’s a picture of me celebrating hard after the missile launch in front of my favorite corn field.

Then my idiot half-brother, Kim Jong Nam, lets two ladies rub nerve agent on his face in an airport and--shocker!--dies from it. I have no idea who would do such an awful thing to such a fat moron, but well ... RIP, shibal-seki. I will miss you more than my Air Jordans (PSYCH!).

Last but not least, I have finally found a replacement for the Evil Betrayer of Royal Trust and State Secrets, Dennis Rodman. My Western Idiot manservant, Jeff, informed me that Scott Baio (code name: Charles) is in league with the Evil Betrayer Rodman (code name: Worm), so he’s off the list. Jeff also tried to tell me that Cobra Commander “isn’t real” (I had three of my guards simultaneously kick Jeff in the junk for spreading such falsehoods). Metta World Peace is not returning my telefaxes. So that leaves me with this guy ... 

Everyone can shut their non-deity mouths about my prolonged absence from social media.  I've been a little busy with state business - hosting Dennis Rodman for some serious street ball games, buying MiGs from Cuba (vintage!), and crushing my CrossFit program (which involves Jeff carrying me up and down flights of stairs in the State Palace). OH YEAH, and winning a serious game of nuclear war chicken with those spineless South Korean amoebas. 

Dear Dear Leader:

Is it true that you have unicorns in North Korea? If so, can I ride one?

Thanks,

A Seriously Depraved Idiot with the Intelligence of a Cabbage

Dear Depraved Cabbage-Idiot:

Yes, of course we have unicorns. What most Western idiots don't realize (because of their stunted growth and inability to see in 4D) is that all creatures that are considered "mythical" in the West live in abundance and plenty in the DPRK. It must be something in the water! LOL! :P

But seriously, what else would you expect me to ride in all of our state pageants and parades? A horse? A car? A large dog? Jeff? Don't be ridiculous (although I will accept Jeff or a tank if it's unicorn breeding season and none of our "state-approved giants" are available). As a direct descendant of King Tongmyong, who not only created the world, but rode a kick-ass kirin everywhere (in case you've never had the beer, a kirin is a dragon-tiger hybrid), state law requires that I appear on nothing less than an endangered species at all times.

If our countries weren't locked in a heated game of military chess and ideological warfare, I'd invite you to visit one of our many Majestic Wildlife Parks and Cross-Species Breeding Grounds of the People.  There you would see a dazzling array of unicorns, dragons, griffins, chupacabra, pegasus, ligers, yeti, and pot-bellied pigs. You might even have the privilege of being fed to one. Hahahaha!

Glorious citizens of the DPRK!  Interloping Western idiots!  You can cease pounding your chests and weeping openly in the streets - I have returned to answer your letters and share my wisdom. You can thank my idiot manservant, Jeff, for my prolonged hiatus - he lost the keys to my hydroplane, failed to have my Garfield and Friends underwear pressed, and forgot all the passwords to my internet accounts. Don't worry - he was amply punished for his insolence and idiocy: he "volunteered" to be our first test subject in my new, top-secret science program titled "Operation: What Does This Do to Humans?" I'll be sure to yell at him for depriving you of my musings once he stops glowing and drooling. LOLZ! :D

Hello my blessed minions, 

I apologize for depriving you of my wisdom for so long. A horrific tragedy has befallen the House of Un - my prized long-haired guinea pig, Karl Marx, died in a terrible wheel accident, so I've spent the last few weeks locked in my closet (don't worry - it's the size of most single family homes), crying, and eating cartons of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk. My idiot manservant Jeff broke the door down this morning and dragged me out for my ritual sponge bath. I hate Jeff and his meddling - so what if I hadn't used a "real bathroom" in days? BOO, Jeff!  :(

Karl Marx was a gift from Hugo Chavez to my father on his first state visit to the DPRK. Dad then re-gifted him to me on my birthday. At first, I was pissed because what I really wanted for my birthday was a life-size replica of the pirate ship from the western spy thriller, The Goonies ...  But dad knew best - what 25 year-old doesn't want a guinea pig for a companion?  Karl Marx was my best friend - he was by my side (literally - I put him in my pocket and forgot he was there) when I took over the Supreme Command of the DPRK and even acted as a witness at my wedding.

Dear Dear Leader:

I am one of the hundreds of thousands of your faithful servants who lost their home in the terrible flooding last month. I am writing to beg for your help. My wife, three children, and I have been forced to move in with our extended family but they have little food and limited space to accommodate our needs. Please, Dear Leader - we ask that you help us rebuild our home so we can return to work and continue to serve you and our exalted homeland.

- Your Humble Servant who Dreams of Your Effulgent Face Every Night, Anju City, DPRK

Dear Humble Servant who Dreams of My Effulgent Face Every Night,

I am shocked and saddened by the news that so many of my intrepid followers do not have 2nd or 3rd homes that they can retreat to following a natural disaster of this kind. Geez you guys - maybe plan ahead next time! LOL! ;)  I would offer you and your family shelter in one of my many underground lairs around the country, but they're already filled with national treasures, like the Anak tomb paintings, guardian statues from the Buddhist temples, life-size cutouts of Michael Jordan, and my soccer trophies from grade school.

Dear Dear Leader:

What happened to your dad's hand?

Best,

Western Idiot Slim (teagend)

Dear Capitalist Pig:

First off, I don't like it when you refer to yourself as a Western idiot. Only I can do that, blasphemer! If you lived in my country, you'd be punished with my iron fist of justice (seriously, I just had one made) for such acts of indecency. LOLZ! :P

Dear Dear Leader:

Where are you registered?

- An Embarrassment to Her Country (laurahy)

Dear Embarrassment to Her Country:

I presume you're referring to my marriage to the venerable and super hott, Ri Sol-Ju. In that case, I reject your feeble attempt to win my affections by offering capitalist consumer goods that were most like manufactured in China. As all my loyal and submissive subjects know, only the Great and Eternal Father (my dad) can bestow gifts upon a newly married couple. I've requested that dad bless our marriage with fealty, obedience, fun sexy times, enough competent children to field a full-court basketball team, his-and-hers matching navy pantsuits, and a pre-ordered copy of All-Stars Battle Royale for my PS3.