#dearaunty

Dear Aunty,

I’m sitting with you right now. The sun feels warm but the breeze is cool. The pond has been filled again and the ducks are waddling around avoiding the cars. There’s bright pink flowers and some soft orange ones as well. I’ve never seen a nice shade of orange before, but this orange is something else. It’s the colour of the sun as it meets the horizon. 

It was your daughter’s birthday yesterday. We had dinner at Aunty Dee’s and Linda got to see the video of you saying happy birthday to her. And although when the video finished she turned and asked to open the rest of her presents with a smile, you could truly see the pain in her eyes. She avoided the matter of your video at all costs. 

My interview for the job in New Zealand is next month. I’m praying I get the job so badly because it’s truly something I want to do. And then next year I’m going to Ghana to volunteer. And then I’m travelling. And then either in 2018 or 2019 I’m heading to college in America. That’s my plan. That’s what I want to do, Aunty.

Nothing too exciting has gone around lately. It’s been almost nine months and it feels like just yesterday everything happened. No one is over it. It’s not really something anyone ever gets over, I suppose.

I’m going to do a devotional now, Aunty. I need to fix my relationship with God. I  miss Him.

Dear Aunty,

Boy has it been some time. I’m going to give you the quickest summary of what’s happened since my last letter.

My family moved into a new house. It’s brand new in Schofields. I’m still in the process of buying new furniture for my room so I just have drawers, a desk and a mattress right now.

I finally started working at K-Mart, and I actually love it. The older ladies say that I’m a very positive person and I get along with the guys my age.

I am also now a leader at Hillsong Church for the Young & Free Wildlife youth. It’s a bit of a challenge but I love it a lot. 

One of my best friends, Ledia, got engaged. I still think she’s crazy because she’s so young but I’m extremely happy for her and the guy seemed really sweet when I met him.

Also, when I was in hospital last year I was told that I may have bipolar disorder (manic depression). I didn’t think this was true to I brushed it off. But overtime I’ve come to think that I might. I’m going to see my GP this week to see his perspective of it. Otherwise my depression has been acting up a lot recently and I think it’s partially because I’m trying to find myself and I’m realising the reality of some people that are in my life and such. 

Kiara now has a boyfriend. His name is Tyler and he treats her really well. I’ve officially become the biggest thirdwheel again (although fifty percent of the time Tyler is thirdwheeling Kiara an I).

Other than everything I’m doing really well, Aunty. I’m still working on myself, and everyday is still a challenge with this depression but hey, I’m getting through. I have a job interview next month to be a receptionist for about half a year in a hotel in NZ, so that would be so cool if I got it. And I don’t party as much anymore either. I just don’t care to, to be honest. 

I need to get better at writing to you, Aunty. I’m going to try. Miss you.

Dear Aunty,

It’s been exactly one month since I last wrote to you, and let me tell you, so much has happened. 

That boy (let’s call him Al) that I told you I had a thing with? I ended it, and in the meantime of ending that I lost the whole friendship. I understood though - he was hurt, even though I did it in the nicest way I could possibly do it - but after that he became kind of an asshole. A few days after ending it I tried checking up on him and he completely shut me down. He was completely heartbroken, and I guess becoming an asshole was his way of trying to move on. I think it worked, because I think he’s moved on. As long as he’s happy, it doesn’t matter. Even though I miss the friendship so much.

I kind of had sex with T again. In all honesty I was sexually frustrated and kinda tipsy and I knew he would put out. I told him I was completely sober though - which was a lie - because he didn’t want to do it if I was anything but sober. 

Kiara ended things with that boy she had a thing with as well. They are still friends, and he has a thing with this other girl now. Kiara is happy for him. I don’t think she’s over Eli yet, but she’s learnt to not give in to him so much anymore. She doesn’t care to give him attention anymore. That’s a good sign. 

This boy I used to have a thing with earlier in the year told me he misses us. We’ve always stayed friends but recently we’ve seen each other more often because we always seem to end up at the same parties. Then the other night he told me he missed what we had and I said I wasn’t expecting that. We didn’t end badly and he never broke my heart so I’m just gonna go with the flow and see how it goes.

These days I’ve trained myself to not really care. Like, I’m friends with boys, and if me and a boy become a little more than friends then that’s cool, but if it doesn’t work out I don’t really care either. I just do me to be honest.

But I don’t know, Aunty - perhaps I am slightly lonely. I party a lot now. I just love dancing so much to be honest. And drinking. But I don’t rely on drinking for anything other than giving me the confidence to dance. Because I love that.

Kiara has formal in two days. I did a sort of trial and error makeup look on her today to see what we’re gonna do for the actual day. I also did the same for her two best friends. She even has a date. He asked her real sweet at school - had a red carpet rolled out, bought her McDonald’s and had a tiara placed on her head before he asked her. And I’m pretty sure he’s buying her a corsage. 

I miss Al. Like our friendship was actually so good before he confessed that he liked me and all. I don’t understand how he fell for me. He talked to some really gorgeous girls, Aunty, and somehow he just loved my personality so much that he fell for me. 

Dear Aunty,

No one is really doing too well these days. 

It’s as if the events of last month are finally settling in. My mum cries almost everyday, I know it. We’re all trying to take it one day at a time but it’s as if each day gets harder. 

Uncle David put Kairi down not long ago. The cancer finally got too much and he couldn’t put her through anymore pain. We went to the farm and buried her there, and spent the day riding the quad bikes and such. 

I think after her death everyone kind of just took three steps back. Things started settling in, people started realising the missing gaps. It’s all taking a toll on my mum, my aunties. We all know how each of us feels but no one is really talking about it. 

I told T I only want to be friends on October 15th. He agreed and now we’re just friends. I still had feelings for him when I ended it but I knew he wasn’t for me so I ended it.

I’m doing well though. I now have a thing with this other boy that I’ve been friends with since about July. He’s the sweetest thing ever and was actually the one to catch feelings first. I changed him, Aunty. He says I made him happy because his life is, and I quote, “fucked”. Before me he used to talk to so many girls, and I know he’s only got me now because he tags me in everything on Facebook and isn’t afraid to show everyone that we have a thing. 

I haven’t cried properly for a while though, Aunty, and it’s starting to scare me because there have been things that should’ve made me cry, you know? I should have bawled my eyes out several times by now, but I just can’t. 

Devs likes me though. He says he’s getting over me now but I know he’s liked me for a bit now.

Kiara still isn’t over Eli, however this other boy likes her. They had a thing for a while even though he knew she didn’t like him because she told him that. He still wanted to try though. She officially ended it the other night because she knew that it was wrong to do this to him. He told me when she’s over Eli he wants to try again because he’s not ready to give up on her.

Dear Aunty, 

My mum and sister don't think that T & I are currently talking. This is because my mother is the one that got my sister to tell T to stop talking to me. 

And I don’t mean the “hey Leticia, we can’t talk anymore, I can’t see you” kind of stop talking to me. I mean the completely-ignore-her-without-explanation kinda of stop talking to me. 

it happened on two Saturday’s ago. 

But let’s talk about the events leading up to it. 

On the Wednesday night, my sister had Showcase on at her school. Showcase is this event where families and friends come and watch students of the school perform dances and singing acts and such that they have been preparing for majority of the year. T and I went to watch my sister and his mates. 

Everything was fine. After it I dropped Dev off at home, and then T, but as soon as we dropped T off, Kiara wanted to start arguing with me about him, saying that I shouldn’t be going back to him. I explained to her yet again that we were friends, just like her and him were (she doesn’t know he fingered me - not because I didn’t wanna tell her but because I just didn’t feel the need to tell people). She said that it’s just giving him satisfaction that I’m with him again. She didn’t listen to me.

By the time we got home we were yelling at each other. She was saying that it’s wrong of me to go back to him when they all (her and her friends and my friends) stopped being friends with him for me. I said she stopped after she had screwed him (yes, they had sex). She then told me that no, they dropped him after I was in hospital, and then I was the one to go back to him. I further explained that while that is true, she then became friends with him again, and she said because I went back to him. And I said I know that, and I never once complained she was friends with him again. I had no problem with it and then one day she decided to fuck him and stop talking to him. So I found it unfair that she was able to have sex with my ex and then get mad at me for being friends with him again. 

We got home, she went inside first because I was frustrated, and then when I had come in my mum already knew we were arguing. She said “What’s going on with you two?” And I told her nothing. I went upstairs and as I was coming back down to get something I hear my mum said “Stop it with this T thing or I’m going to his house to talk to him,” and I said, “way to dog it Kiara.” Kiara turned around and said, “I only said it was about a boy. And anyway, maybe I feel close enough to my mum to tell her.” So I said, “Why don’t you tell her everything then?” (Mum doesn’t know that both Kiara and I have had sex, and she especially doesn’t know about that part with T.) 

We didn’t talk for five consecutive days after that. 

And because my mother was choosing my sister’s side, and because she didn’t wanna listen to me, I did what any teenager would do.

I rebelled.

On Friday night I went to a friend’s house for his surprise birthday and was told to be home by ten-thirty. Instead I left there and went out with T & some other mates, and my mum was looking for me, even though I assured her I was fine and I’d be home. She was mad because I wasn’t home when I was told to be. I ended up getting home at two-thirty and she didn’t believe me when I said I was at macca’s with some mates, so I told her the truth. 

She said “I’m going to have a talk with him. I can’t believe your sister stopped being friends with him for you and this is how you treat her.” I said, “You don’t even know the full story.” And I went to bed. 

This all makes me sounds so spoilt and ungrateful, Aunty, and perhaps I am spoilt. I’m not ungrateful, though. I apologised the next day for what I did and asked my mum to sleep at my brother’s house that night. I ended up going to a party, to which she found out about and was messaging me for an hour about how I lied to her and how I have to come home. I ended up sleeping at my brother’s house anyway.

She brought up again, how my sister did this and my sister did that, and I said she doesn’t know anything about what happened between my sister, T & I and she never will because I will never dog my sister like that. She said she knows and I said “Yeah? What is it?” 

She never replied. 

On the Sunday, T asked me to go to his house to talk. That’s when he tells me that at the party he went to the night before that my sister was also at, she pulled him aside and told him to start ignoring me, that my mum doesn’t want him talking to me, that she doesn’t want him talking to me. 

And the thing is, Aunty, that it sounds like she’s just looking out for me. And whilst my mother might be, Kiara is honestly jealous. She even told me when T and I started getting close again that she’s jealous, and that it might be because once upon a time she also had feelings for him. I also know that if any other boy had done to me what T did to me and Kiara had no feelings for said boy, she wouldn’t be going to this extent to ensure that he and I no longer communicate. 

And that is why, Aunty, T & I are now even more lowkey then before. 

Again, it sounds like I’m wrong, and maybe I am, maybe he is still the same, but trust me, Aunty, he has treated me a lot differently to how he did last year.

I’m more so upset because I give up a lot for Kiara. Last year, I shouldn’t have gone for T, because he was my sister’s best friend and we ended up having sex behind her back, but I told her two days later. She also apparently had feelings for him before then (but she ended up getting back with her ex), to which I had no clue of. 

She was mad when she found out what happened between us. But later on down the track when he suddenly wanted my sister I was the one telling her to go for him. I ws giving up my happiness to let her be with him. She didn’t, but she did end up hoooking up with him (after asking me, and I said yes, putting my feelings aside), to which I cried about and pretended I was fine to her face. 

This year, earlier in the year, she wanted to go for this guy that is like my little brother: PJ. He’s the sweetest thing and we have been friends since October last year. Kiara decided she wanted him. I didn’t want her to because I once had feelings for him (which she knew about), but she went for it anyways. I pushed it aside and let her be. 

Then later on (didn’t work out with PJ for her), she decided she wanted to go for my best friend, Samiuela. I told her she can’t and she brought up that I went for T, so I pushed it aside again and let her be. It didn’t work out either, but they’re still good friends. He’s still my best friend. 

So whilst I shouldn’t have gone for T, every moment since then has been about making sure that my sister is happy. I let her go for PJ, I let her go for Samiuela, I let her hook up with T, I even cancelled my date with T for her. I even remember this one time Kiara, T, myself and a bunch of other mates went to laser tag last year. At this point T was trying to get my sister and I kept telling her to go for him. We finished a game of laser tag and she came out and told me how in the game they were so close to kissing and that she really wanted to so I said “So do it” and she said “No I can’t” and I got angry because what’s the point of telling me then? So I told her to stop talking about it then, which made her mad.

I’ve continuously put my feelings aside to make her happy. 

Dear Aunty, 

Sixteenth of September will forever be planted in my mind, clear as crystal as the memory of it replays in my mind everyday. The whole family remembers it, for obvious reasons, Aunty.

I had received no sleep that night, so at nine in the morning I asked T to ditch school so I could go to his house and literally sleep, as I didn’t want to be alone. He understood and let me. I kissed him that day out of vulnerability, and because he had said if we were to ever kiss he didn’t want us to be drunk, he kissed me back. By then I realised I will forever have a soft spot for him, but still I had no definite feelings.

This happened to also be the day that I was supposed to go on a date with him, to see how things go. I had cancelled, however, two days prior, as my younger sister and I had a really dumb argument about it. My mum chose my sister’s side, of course, because apparently the eighteen year old gets less of a say in how she lives her life than her fifteen year old sister does. And because I always have to make sure my sister and mother are happy, I quite literally told him I couldn’t go on the date with him, whilst bawling my eyes out because of how frustrated I was. I could tell he was hurt by the way he started explaining himself, as if he was the one in the wrong. 

I later got told by a few of his mates just how excited he was to go on the date with me. Had it been a year earlier his mates wouldn’t even know that he was planning on going out with me. In fact, had it been a year earlier we’d only be hanging out if it meant getting drunk together so he could get in my pants. 

And then the next night I slept at his house after a party and he fingered me and I gave him two hickeys. 

Had it been last year he would have solely focused on himself and tried to get pleasure from me. This time, he said it was all about making sure I was happy, so when I told him to stop, he stopped, and when I told him I wanted to sleep, we slept. 

We continued as normal - he didn’t switch up as he used to last year whenever he got something out of me. I did tell him, however, that I think we got too comfortable and that what happened that night can’t happen again, and it hasn’t (except one more hickey).

Dear Aunty,

I think the hardest thing about falling for an ex all over again is the fact that your family doesn’t want you to have anything to do with him.

And that’s understandable, I suppose, since you know that I was hospitalised for three days because of him. But you know what they say about your first love - you never really do get over them. Or perhaps you do. Only once/if they come back into your life, you can’t help the reoccurring feelings that emerge from the deepest parts of your body that you swore you’d never let resurface.

I tried to make that sound poetic.

I’m sure mum has given you the details that she knows of what happened between T & I, but in all honesty, Aunty, she basically knows of nothing between what happened other than he broke my heart and I was in hospital.

But that’s a story for another time. For now, let’s talk about the fact that we managed to become friends again at a party.

So we both ended up at the same party on twenty-seventh of August two-thousand and sixteen, to which he later told me he had no intentions of drinking at but decided to once he knew I was coming so he could get the courage to become friends with me again. And when you hear about our story last year you’re gonna think I’m stupid for even believing that that is what happened, but you know me: naivety is my specialty. 

Anyway, we had both been drinking a little, not too much, just enough to give us confidence. I walked into the shed and he was talking to my sister and someone whom I can’t remember. I came in to tell my sister something when he suddenly turned to me and told me to look at his knuckle on his hand, informing me that it was out of place (it wasn’t out of place; he just had an extra lump to which he got x-rayed today). This is how the conversation started.

Throughout the night we talked and he told me how he had kept the book I gave him for his birthday in January (again, another story). He also asked me that if he messaged me the next day would I reply, and I told him I would. We started talking over Facebook and didn’t hang out again until him, my sister (Kiara), and our other friend Dev went to the movies together. 

At one in the morning on tenth of September (the day of my party), I went out with him and my cousin, Josh, for a drive. At about two I said I should go home because I had to get up in the morning, but he insisted we kept driving. By the time three am came around I ended up deciding to sleep at his as we were only just getting to his house. Josh was on the mattress and T & I were in the bed. We cuddled, I’ll admit, and he tried to kiss me, but I wouldn’t let him because i didn’t see him that way. 

However, that night, at my party, I had drunkenly hooked up with him. He stopped it, however, as he said although he had been drinking as well, he didn’t want to take advantage of me. Had it been a year earlier, he would have been the one to kiss me drunk and try even more.