Dear Ashley
What am i doing with my life; i used to have dreams and plans. I was supposed to go to California after high school. My life was supposed to be different, i had ideas and plans and a vision. I can still remember dad laughing about it, him telling me how I'd never make it and how expensive it was. Which from the outside looking in that might not seem so terrible but that was an always thing. No matter what I wanted to do there was never any support; it was either no interest/reaction or it was just a reminder that it didn't matter because I wouldn't succeed at it. I wish i did things differently growing up, that i fought back less or that i was an easier child to have around. I wonder all the time what my life would be like if I had the kind of relationship most kids with with their parents, like K & J. HC used to say i hated my sisters because of their relationship with my dad which is not even fair to put on someone. I dont hate my sisters for anything, especially not for the way my parents treat them.I do however keep them at arms length because they will never understand that we lived two very different lives. They don't know the JB & HC i know, they don't live the same life i did. My therapist says I need to cut them off, that I will never be a part of their island and he's right, I know for a fact he's right. I've been thinking about that for years honestly, going no contact with them but i know that it won't just be cutting off my parents it will be my sisters and likely the rest of my family too. After all, they are all HCs family. No loyalty is owed to me and they have made that insanely clear through the years….i guess dr LS was right. I really am on my own island.
Moments like this I really wish you were around, I wish I had a mom I could call to comfort me when I'm feeling broken. HC is great dont get me wrong but we don't have that unbreakable internal connection where its like my pain is her pain ya know. With HC it's more like my pain is to her “something new everyday” so you learn to shut up and internalize everything.I know nothing can be changed so there's no good reason to constantly think about all this but i can't help it. In another life would i be happy? Would you have never left me? I don't know, i'd like to believe yes but i know that's the child in me holding on to the last bit of her mommy because i'd like to imagine in another life, in another blessing of getting to do this crazy shit again, you would be my mom and i'd be everything you needed in a daughter to stay.
