#dearanxiety

I’d say welcome back, or nice to see you again, but really.. you never really went anywhere. 

That’s the thing about you, one moment I feel on top of the world, I could be watching tv, reading a book, listening to music.. doing every day things when suddenly a wave of that all consuming feeling of irrationality and a strange sense of sadness washes over me. 

There’s that crippling feeling where it feels like nothing seems to be going right and you bring up all my fears and insecurities in the one moment. That overwhelming sensation slowly gets the better of me to the point where I don’t know what to do or how best to react at times. 

Dear Anxiety,

What the fuck?

Why do you insist on making sure I am in a constant state of panic and distrust every. single. day. Why must you insist that I not feel like I am worth anything to anyone i know or meet. You have made it impossible for me to trust those around me, and myself. You have made me feel like I should not eat. That I do not have the same right to eat as everyone else because I, unlike everyone else, do not deserve to. You have made me feel that most of the time I am truly just a waste of space, that my existence is selfish, even insulting, compared to the lives of everyone else. That by breathing, by being, I am a monster. You have made me feel so empty and hollow that I no longer feel as I once did. Everything is muted, if it is even there at all. 

Dear Anxiety,

Because of you I am always cold. Physically my hands and feet always feel like ice. it is a chill I could swear I feel in my bones. I wake up and go to bed cold. My back aches from the strain of carrying the weight of a thousand thoughts and non-thoughts, worries, fears, losses, anger, hurt, despair, paranoia, grief, and memories.

Dear Anxiety,

I cannot escape you no matter where I am. You are always right there, toying at the edges of my brain. making me second guess everything i do and think and feel. I hate you. I hate that you showed up, unannounced and uninvited to live my life with me. I wish I could force you out, but try as I might to demand that you leave, here you remain, mocking my pleas and anguish.

Dear Anxiety,

One of these days you will not be in control of me. i will be in control of you. You may always sit at my table, but I will tell you where to sit and when you can talk. I look forward to it.

Dear Anxiety,

I think we should see other people. You are the worst & we need to break up. When you 1st came around I honestly didn’t even notice you. But before I knew it you were a big part of my life. Then before I knew it again you were controlling me. How did that happen? You feed off all the things I hate about myself. You thrive off fear & for that your a coward. Your bring only negativity. I wake up everyday sweating & in tears. My thoughts are always racing and overwhelming. You make the fear consuming, I just want to be excited about the day. We just don’t want the same things. You are controlling & hurt the relationships I have with friends & family. You make me feel ways I don’t understand & cant control. You make things I’m good at like communicating out of reach. Why can’t I explain you? I can’t find the words to express everything that I feel so intensely. I should embrace my feelings not fear them! You bring the worst out in me rather than helping me. You dull my shine!! You make everything I love to do so hard. Even just leaving the house. Making it hard to breath & causing my hands & body to shake. You take away all the joy in my life. I can hardly get around you. You have to be the center of attention rather than just enjoying the ride. You are always around & it’s suffocating. Constantly a worry in the back of my mind. You infect such happy people. I don’t wanna think about you at all! I just wanna live, be happy, be brave, put myself out there. Not Be Afraid. However, you fill me with worry, doubt, & negativity. I like who I am & you force me to be a person I don’t want to be. Someone I hate. So I’m changing that, I am me. When I fight back you get worse, so I built a mental army to help me fight you. I hate the way people perceive you. But what I hate more is that people don’t truly see me at all… You have changed me, however this change is over. A new better one is to come. Unfortunately it doesn’t include you. This is going to be hard & wont be easy. I think it’s best we see other people, or better yet you probably need some alone time. But don’t worry it’s not me, it’s you!