#dear wolf

Dear wolf, dear lamb

Disclaimer: The people whom I’ll be writing these letters to will remain anonymous for obvious reasons, nor will I actually be sending (or wanting for them to read) these so-called letters (hence why I’m calling/tagging these as “Letters to No One

Dear L*** (Codename: Wolf - Cause you told me how much you loved, and how your fave animal are wolves).

Dear Wolf,

*sighs* ....I don’t even know where the fuck to begin tbh. :/

The beginning seems like the best place to start I guess; It was year the 2007, during our 6th period English Class, of our freshmen year of highschool. First couple days of class, and your were sitting behind my desk, I remember cause you kept obnoxiously, and deliberately shaking my desk so damn violently just to annoy the fuck out of me (i kept asking you politely to stop, like multiple times, but you persisted anyways); till it made me snap and i raised my voice, telling you to STOP!.....Don’t think it worked tho, cause I remember asking our English Teacher (Ms. H) if I could change seats, and she allowed it. -___-;

It wasn’t until later on in our freshmen year, that you realized I liked anime (most importantly to you: Inuyasha and Naruto); I’m not sure, if this was what got you to stop acting like such a dick towards me, but it was between this revelation that i loved anime, and the fact that at the time, I had befriended your Best Friend/Your Brother by a different Mother (as you preferred to call it) aka Cisco-Kid, that our friendship actually stood a chance of being possible.

That’s when we really started to bond,over naruto, over inuyasha, anime, etc. Hell, we used to butt heads from time to time, cause you’d argue that Naruto was better than YYH, and we’d debate (back then,  i was a cringey snobby, 90′s anime elitist, praising YYH above all else, thank god I’ve become more humble, liberal and open-minded on most things in life as a young adult, or else I wouldn’t be able to stand myself)....but we really started to get close during our sophomore year when I told you (you were the only person I ever told in those days) of how my Aunt C emotionally abused me, and you told me how you also suffered from abusement when you were young....that brought us closer together, you were prob the only person I ever allowed myself to get that emotionally close to. We also bonded over the fact that your former Best-Friend, let’s call her Karate-Girl, cause she used to love taking karate/self-defense lessons, ended up drifting apart from you and ended up being best friends with my former Best-friend (let’s call her Greenbean), cuz we too drifted apart from each other......in a way, we found solace in our mutual sense of loneliness together, and our friendship grew from there. Hell, we even talked a lot about our dream, especially when we used walk together after school, I remember cause you used to tell me how much you wanted to be a doctor or nurse. 

But yeah, we had good times as well with, me, you and cisco-kid, we’d always hang out go to starbucks and just talk about anything and everything both in real life and on the phone or through AIM, or just going to your house to play video games: like sing-star, hanging out at the mall, introducing me to sushi and making it a routine eating at Yo Sushi’s, We’d fangirl/fanboy over anime, studio ghibli films, anime, etc. Hell, during my 18th birthday, I ended up purchasing a replica of Kenshin’s Reverse Blade Sword (but it wasn't sharp, both sides were dull), and I remember how we’d fangirl/fanboy over it (but you especially had a gleam in your eyes when ever you held it and swung it around with one arm) and how’d you’d scoff at me for choosing to hang it on my wall.....cause you said it was pointless if you didn't use it.....and I was all like well it’s a replica, it just for decoration, it’s not meant to be used in real battle because it’s not in fact an actual real katana, plus kenshin’s way of life was to not show off and use his sword to hurt others, but rather as a last resort to protect the ones he loves....But yeah, after that we’d ended up often going to go eat Sushi at either Davis or San Francisco, which was always fun during the summer school breaks. Yup, them were good times indeed. ^-^

Then things got complicated, after i had broken up with Vegas-boy, you asked me why, I told you to keep this to yourself, and said: that I just didn't feel a connection with him, even after 6 months of us dating.....and the very next days, you told me upfront that the Bro before hoes aka the bro code was too important and that you told Vegas-boy what i told you to keep to yourself (that was when I truly felt a sense of betrayal from you....because yeah okay sure, i get that you value that stupid bro-code above all else, but what about our fucking code of friendship? Did our friendship mean soo little to you that you’d go and disregard my wishes to keep that to yourself (no matter how benign it as). I knew from that moment on, that I could no longer trust you to keep a secret, that’s for sure. :/

Later, on as time went by our playful banter back and forth turned into a slight sense of flirting, hell you almost even teasingly kissed me lightly on the corner of my mouth, almost, but then a few days later you told me how much of a bad idea it was for friends to date each other, because it would endanger or risk destroying said friendship (I thought that was ludicrous, because I would still be open-minded enough to remain friends with someone even if said relationship didn’t work out or if our feelings for each other weren’t mutual.....plus I think the concept of falling in love with a close friend, is such a beautiful thing)......But nonetheless i immediately backed off with the flirting, and so did you and we remained friends....hell I never even got the chance to tell you that i had feelings for you, mostly cause I was too afraid to get rejected, especially when you told me that it was a bad idea and too risky dating your friends, and all that nonsense (and I’m not gonna lie but it hurt seeing you date someone else for a bit....I got over it tho, and quickly cuz during my junior year I started crushing really like really hard on this girl, let’s call her Lady-Piña , but that’s a story for another time, i’m afraid). lol ^^;

As time went by, I remember how often you used to ask to borrow my cell-phone (a flip-phone in that day and age), cause you didn’t have one and you needed to text someone, and you used to say how important this was).....And I reluctantly agreed to let you borrow it (you said it was important, and my immediate thoughts were that you were using it to text your family members or something).....It never occurred to me that you were using for other means.....And see, this is what really started to piss me off about you (hell thinking back it still fucking pisses me off). You would borrow my cell-phone, and text (using my name mind you, and never telling others that it was you who was actually texting them) and you would emotionally manipulate anyone (most of our mutual friends, especially, in regards towards Karate-girl) that you texted or just talked shit to, in my name, using my name as your shield (and most of these text conversations were about defending your name in things, I remember cause during one of my classes, a couple of my good friends kept giving me the stink eye (and I was confused at fuck), hell one of them out right asked me upfront, What the hell was wrong with me and how could i emotionally mess one of our mutual friends like that....we cleared the air once she realized that I had let you borrow my cell-phone (I remember cause she said it was unheard of and just plain odd that I’d act like that, even if it was through text....I responded/and agreed with her with a “yeah, i know me too”.....Like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WOLF? >:(

^Who the fuck would do something soo damn shitty, petty and manipulative like that, and constantly, mind you?!?! >_<

I mean sure, we were teens, we were stupid and immature and all that junk, but dammit, it wasn’t the fact that you used my name to talk shit to people (i mean like a part of it is) but it was more over the fact that you fucking emotionally messed with some of my friends, especially Karate-Girl, and hurt them without a second thought (and it wasn’t for those two that supposedly called me out for all this, that was your fucking doing, I would have never have noticed how much you hurt them, and immediately made sure to reassure them otherwise, and try to damage-control whatever the hell you put them through). It took a great deal of patience on my part, to not go off on you, and just let it go.....I kept making the same excuses for your actions, that you were still just a teenage boy and you just hadn’t learned to mature yet, but that you’d get there.....but oh how wrong, i was.

....Fuck, I mean if anything, you’re the reasons my trust issues have sky-rocketed to be honest. :/

And don’t even get me started on your possessive/jealous nature (you’d refer to this as a high sense of loyalty, but here’s the thing, it wasn’t, it was more possessiveness, with you being in control rather than loyalty); Every Time me and Cisco-kid would do projects, or hangout, with other people, you’d throw a damn fit, it was impossible to get you to see that we were not trying to replace you, no matter how many times I tried to reassure, time and time again that that wasn’t the case (i mean i get it, i know what it’s like to feel insecure about where i stand in friendships, scared that i’m just either in the way, or fear that people don’t really actually care about me) but you weren’t just jealous oh no, you were the type of person who’d painstakingly guilt-trip us time and time again whenever we’d hang out we people that weren’t you....*sigh* I mean hell, i even made plans several time alongs with cisco-kid to get you to meet and hangout with our other fellow classmates/friends.....but you’d always declined, and the few times you did join us, you’d always brood and give them the stink eye the entire day (and they told me how uncomfortable you’d make them feel cause of that). 

I remember when I was walking home from school with panda-boy one day, and told me he needed to tell me something important, that just didn't sit well/ or right with him.....he told that he heard you call me a bitch (and not the bitch please, funny meme kind, panda-bot told me that it was in a malicious-tone of voice)....Panda-boy told me it didn’t sit right with him because he was appalled and he didn’t know what possessed you say that about me behind my back, and that it was completely uncalled for (I said that it you were probably having a bad day and that you prob didn't mean it, so  i didn’t really pay too much mind to it)......I mean sure, I did feel sad and disappointed to be sure, because i felt like maybe i wasn’t doing a good enough job in being good friend, i asked Panda-boy if he thought I was a good friend or not, and he said i was being ridiculous, and that of course I was......but I didn't feel like it, after hearing you say something like that....it made me feel very small, alone, unworthy as friend-material, and just plain conflicted. So much so, that I ended up asking Cisco-Kid the same thing, and he ended up calling you Wolf, so we could smooth things over and talk. I asked you Wolf, I asked you directly if you thought I was a good enough friend, and you didn’t really meet my eyes and laughed nervously and said I was; that made me feel quite relieved and it reassured me, even if your response did feel half-assed at best. 

^And tbh, this wasn’t the only time you’d made me doubt myself, hell I recall the times when you would always tease me, about my mexican accent/spanish being less than perfect too, or how I ashamed you made me feel about me not knowing how to cook some of our culture’s most important mexican dishes (such as pozole, frijoles, arroz, caldo, etc).....I mean I’m learning how to do all of this now, and it’s been a long time since I felt torn or caught between both cultures, now that I’ve long since embraced my mexican culture/roots as best I can, and have found a calming sense of peace and belonging in accepting both parts of myself....but i can’t deny that your voice/taunts still haunt me from time to time (making me feel like I’m not good or worthy enough in regards to my mexican heritage).

Which reminds me, you always took great pride in having machismo (a sense of masculine pride)....it always bothered me, cause even though you said it jokingly, or so it seemed, I always got a feeling from you: that you felt like women needed to stay put in their proper places so to speak.....that and in combo with your anger issues, and the the way you used to tell me that whenever you’d get angry you’d punch a hole through your wall (or that one time this one girl in our class pissed you off, and you told me if you were allowed to punch a girl, she’d be the only exception)......all of that made me feel hella uneasy/and uncomfortable...and this had been going on and accumulating for years since we met.....All of these were red-flags that i should have seen coming a mile a way, tbh (even Karate-Girl, your former Best-Friend, you had a crush on whom said that she felt hella uncomfortable with you texting her constantly non-stop about your crush on her, warned me that she was afraid I’d turn into a doormat, if i wasn’t careful....so why do i get the feeling  that she was referring to you when she told me that.....and now that I think about it, was that why she always took those selfdefense/karate classes? Cause of you, Wolf). Plus my own mother said she was really glad that I’d chosen to cut all ties off with you.....maybe they were right.....

Cause the last time we saw each other (we were around 18-19), a year or so after we graduated high-school (when I finally told you how uncomfortable you made me feel, especially with your quick temper/anger issues, and all this stuff accumulating over time, but that i always thought you’d just grow outta of this toxic mindset by now, but i guess you didn’t cause), you obviously didn’t take it very well, cause we were playing ping-pong ball and you were obviously brooding, in a very bad mood, but most especially towards me, and you kept hitting the ball with soo much force and ferocity in attempts to hit me, that I could see the malicious smirk whenever it almost did hit me,  i could see the terrifying look of pure hatred you had for me in your eyes whenever our eyes met; Cisco-kid even had to forcibly pull you aside and ask you what the hell was going on with you, and you reacted to this by flinging the ping-pong paddle to the side so damn hard in anger and just stomping away.

But from that day on, i could tell that day how i could no longer feel safe or comfortable in your presence, let alone in being your friend, so i did what  i thought was best for me, and cut you and all your toxicity out of my life completely....A few months later my mentor had passed away, i was failing/struggling with my classes, all of our friends were drifting apart, and just felt soo damn alone, apathetic, and I just couldn’t take all of this anymore, and had a nervous/mental breakdown and fell into a deep depression, and hell you know the rest. 

^And Tbh, you’re one of the reasons why I chose this username, the: Nevermore part at least.....cuz I promised myself that I would never ever again find myself in another abusive/or in an almost abusive relationship: Platonic, Family, Romantic or otherwise, which is ironic, because you were the only person back then I ever told about me suffering from emotional abuse from my Aunt C (I did not want history to repeat itself anew, cause I won't stand for it anymore.....not with my aunt and certainly not with you Wolf). >:[

^And tbh, looking back (with how you violently shaking my desk just to mess with me) I can’t help but feel like that was the first of many signs, that our friendship was doomed from the start. :/

I mean I’ll always try to look back fondly on the good times and stuff, at the very least, cause we did in fact have some really good times, but I can’t help but feel like it’ll always be in a bad-taste in my mouth sorta way......just utterly disappointed and tainted....

I don’t regret our friendship, we had some good moments to be sure (but I can't deny that there are moments where I almost feel like I do regret it, looking back).....but if there’s one thing I’m absolutely certain of, is that I will never forget that look of pure hatred in your eyes when you kept hitting that ping-pong ball with suich force in my direction.....and in turn, will never feel safe, comfortable, or trust being alone with you, let alone want to reconnect with or couldn’t try to be your friend ever again.

I’ve made my peace with this anyway, and it’s best we continue to go our separate ways......but if need be, we can each always look back fondly at the good times at least (I know I will at least continue to try to do, despite it all).

Welp, thanks at least for trying to be civil there towards the end, I guess.

Farewell Forevermore,

Why’s it always a friendship problem? Why do I never know how to respond or how to act in a way that would actually make things better and not 5 billion times worse?

I guess I was supposed to sit there in silence and coddle you and tell you it was okay as I watched you almost throw away something you’d been working towards for months, that would throw a HUGE wrench in all your plans for the future.

Sure what shrimp and I did wasn’t great, in hindsight it was the wrong move, we shouldn’t have assumed you would’ve ignored him if he’d reached out in private, but goddamnit I was losing my mind, I felt like I was going insane when you said what you did, and I genuinely thought that the only way to get through to you was by posting that “publicly”.

Clearly we were wrong, in the future, always dms first, but dear god if a situation like this arises again, I’m either going to keep my mouth shut and just let you sabotage yourself since clearly that’s what you want anyways, or I’m going to be a whole lot meaner in dms. You are the stubborn one. You are the one who doesn’t listen. I’m sick of giving you my advice only to have you shit on it, throw it away, and double down on whatever you were gonna do anyways.

So, I may just be a demon in your story but whatever

My therapist is gonna Love me tomorrow hah hah 💜

Ough on the other paw, I don’t really. Know how to take criticism/advice either? I wouldn’t react like you did, but more often than not I’m sitting here with information I simply don’t know how to use/what to do with? “I hear what you’re saying, and that’s true and all, but how do I fix myself?”

I knew this would also end badly, I mean after Deer didn’t speak to you for weeks, Wolf. I knew she couldn’t be trusted. I’m glad that she got back to you and you have a place to stay but the complete and utter collapse of all communication because she was going through something? HUGE red flag.

And now that you’re there in person, communication is still an issue. This can’t go anywhere good, and I knew it wouldn’t, but what other choice did you have? What other choice is there…

And yet, when you needed help and came to Shrimp (and by extension me), and we offered you a place to stay so soon, because it truly was an emergency situation, I initially thought. Hey, he’s been through hell and back with bad roommate after bad roommate, maybe we can be the breath of fresh air he’s needed.

Oh, how naive I was.

Over the course of you being here, not only have I found out that your bitchass partner, Fox, was *lying* straight to you about several of these roommates - that they never raped him or sexualized him in that state or intentionally triggered him. When he set boundaries, they would respect it, and one of those crashouts was because someone suggested he get admitted because he was losing it out of nowhere.

Fox is and was absolutely insane. And no, Wolf, that is NOT a reason to go back to someone. Leave his sorry ass behind. He’s vilified everyone in your support system, burnt bridges with anyone who could’ve helped you, he HAS ruined your life, he’s tried to convince you that you’re a horrible person if you *checks notes* do what you can to survive and put your own oxygen mask on before helping anyone else.

But also! Maybe, just maybe. Your roommates “sudden change of behavior” regarding you and Fox? Maybe it was because they, being good friends, saw that you were in a perceived crisis/emergency situation and offered you a home with them, not realizing what they’d just gotten themselves into…

It’s not your fault, we aren’t mad at you. But Shrimp and I absolutely did bite off more than we could chew, jumped into this so so fast with only hours to prepare mentally and physically…

I… I have not seen Shrimp cry as much as he has this month in probably the entire rest of the three and a half years we’ve been together… he’s been working his tail off and putting out 200% and I’m really REALLY worried for him…