I went looking for you today. I checked your old social media accounts, praying I would see a new post from you. I checked through every photo on my computer, looking for the ones that we took, you took, I took all those years ago. I deleted them years ago and burned the trash so our memories wouldn’t haunt me.
What a joke.
Today I realized I am always going to be second best. Never picked first in class, in friendship, in love. And I tried to remember a time if I ever was.
Then I remembered you.
I remembered I was the first person you would text in the morning even though I was definitely still asleep. I was the first friend you had on the continental US. I was the first person you told you were in love with them. I was the first one you told you had cancer. I was the first one you said goodbye to.
So there was a time that I was a first for someone. I was your first for class and friendship and love.I think I have been trying to find some piece of that ever since.
Today I was reminded that I am second best for most people. That I will never be as good as their other classmate, their other friend, their other love. I was reminded that I am the backup, called up when needed but never truly wanted.
I went looking for you today, Gen. But you weren’t there.
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During their first night in their new home, Liam writes Gen a letter that later become his wedding vows.
Dear Genevieve,
You’re asleep next to me. It’s our first night together in our new place. Just about nothing is in place, everything is a disaster, boxes are everywhere. You’re next to me, dead asleep, and you have the slightest little smile on your face and you look beautiful.
Today has made me think a lot about us, a lot about you. When I first laid eyes on you, I remember you were wearing a nude dress, that buttoned down the middle, and a belt in the middle. You had a coffee in your hand, and you were talking to someone, I don’t remember whom. I just remember that I had to stop for a minute and stare at you, because you were easily the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. I remember Jake getting my attention, asking if I was coming to get food. I remember looking away for a minute, and then when I looked back, you were walking away in the opposite direction. I remember hoping I would see you again.
Suddenly, I was seeing you everywhere, and I wanted so desperately to talk to you, but I could never get myself to. We were always just going in the opposite direction. You’d come into the café, and I would be working in the back. I would come into the library, and you would be leaving. I always noticed you, and I always wondered if you noticed to. You were the beautiful stranger who was just out of reach. Finally I was in the same place as you. I was right behind you in the coffee line, and I wanted to say something to you, and I had no idea what. Finally, I said the stupidest thing I could possibly say to you: I gave you a scientific fact. That moment right there was the most important moment of my life. My life changed because of that moment, and I knew that it was going to. I fell in love with you the moment you opened your mouth.
I’m a scientist, and the idea of falling in love so quickly is… illogical. Your brain doesn’t suddenly create dopamine and serotonin at that rate. Scientifically, you can’t fall in love suddenly. It’s a more of a progression of steps, or like going down a slide. It happens over time. It’s scientific. But then you spoke. And I swear, for the first time in my life, I lost my faith in science.
And then I started to get to know you. And suddenly, if I wasn’t with you, I just felt wrong. I felt like I was missing a part of me without you. I only felt like myself when I was around you. I never thought about getting married, or settling down, or even falling on love, and then I met you, and suddenly it was all I could think about. When I think about my future, I don’t see scientific papers, and labs. I see you. Only you. I try and figure something else out, where I want to live, what job I am going to have when I’m done with my thesis, yet I still only see you. Where do I want to live? With you. What job? Who cares? Am I coming home to you at the end of the day? That’s what matters. What car am I going to drive? Who the hell knows? All I can see is you in the passenger seat. You’ve become my future.
You are my future and I’ve never been more excited for it in my life.
Ngayong araw na'to... wala namang extra ordinaryong nangyari. Bukod sa namiss kita at sa pag-ulan ng malakas, wala namang masyadong "bago." Or is it too ironic to say na "may ilang nagbago" simula nung naging ganito ang sitwasyon natin.
Mga nagbago like... gigising ako sa umaga pero walang "good morning" texts galing sa'yo. Wala na akong kasabay lagi sa lunch kumain kapag Monday at Thursday. Walang tumatawag sakin gabi gabi... sa ngayon, yun pa lang naman. At sa likod ng iilan na yun, sa awa ng Diyos... kinakaya ko pa naman.
Ilang araw nalang ang titiisin ko? 34 days nalang. Ilang tulog na lang yun. Hindi ko naman na namamalayan ang oras kapag puro ako tulog at puro basa ng pocket books... pinapatay ko nalang dun ang oras ko lagi. Para naman kahit papaano, medyo bumilis ang pag usad ng araw. Pag kasi inaantay ko, kapag binibilang ko ang bawat minutong lumilipas... mas lalo akong natatagalan. Siguro mabuti na din itong ginagawa ko sa sarili ko, nililibang ko kahit kaunti.
Alam mo ba, lagi ng traffic dito samin. Kapag sinabi kong traffic, TRAFFIC TALAGA. Yung tipong aalis ako ng 5:30 sa bahay namin, tapos 6:30 lang ako makakarating sa toll gate, at take note... 1 kilometer lang yun bebe. Di ka na kasi nagagawi kaya hindi mo na alam. Nung sabado, naiwala ko yung i.d ko. Nagpanic agad ako nun, kasi pagkapa ko sa bulsa ko nawawala na. Eh diba 350 papalit sa i.d, sayang naman kung dun ko lang uubusin yun pera. Buti nalang at may nakapulot, tinext nya si mama tapos sabi magkita daw kami sa Abad Santos station ngayong araw, dun ko daw kunin yung i.d ko. Dahil traffic nga, nalate tuloy ako. Plano pa naman namin, 6:30 kami magkikita, pero it turned out na 7:20 ako dumating. Hindi ko na siya personal na napasalamatan, kasi iniwan nalang nya sa guard dahil malelate na daw siya if hinintay niya pa ako. Nag intay pa ako ng train nun sa Abad Santos kaya late na talaga ako sa Culinary kanina... buti nalang mabait yung prof. namin. Nagluto kami ng Tempura, tapos Ratatouille, Rice Pilaf at saka Fettucine de Alfredo. Masarap sana yung Tempura... kaso di kita nabigyan. :( Kaya ikinain nalang kita. Nabusog naman ako eh. Nagpaulan din ako. Sayang... wala kasi akong dalang payong. Habang nagpapaulan nga ako, naiisip pa rin kita. Kasi isa sa dream ko yung magpapaulan kasama yung taong mahal mo. Charot! Pero alam ko di yun mangyayari, ayaw mo nga magpaulan eh. HAHAHA! Nung tanghali naman, kumain lang kami sa McDo tapos natulog ako. Ang sarap sarap sarap pala talaga matulog sa tanghali tapos ang lamig pa! Gusto kitang ihug eh. :))) Tapos nung uwian, nag buko Juan ako. Inggit ka? HAHA! Bili ka.
Wala akong masyadong maikkwento bebe. Sabi ko naman sa'yo, ginagawa ko nalang busy ang sarili ko para hindi ako mainip. Kain-tulog-aral-blog lang ang alam ko. Pagkatapos nun wala na, syempre bukod na dun yung mahalin ka.
Basta kahit anong mangyayari, aantayin pa din kita. Sabi ko naman sa'yo eh. PANGAKO YUN DIBA? Basta... sana walang magbago. Sana ganun ka pa din. Sana wag kang mafall sa iba.
At oo nga pala, salamat sa tawag mo kanina! Namiss ko yung ganun kalambing na boses! At kaya ako tawa ng tawa habang kausap kita? Simple lang... umiiyakna kasi ako at yun nalang yung reason para hindi mo mahalata na nalulungkot pa din ako. Sobrang miss na kita. Miss na miss. At lagi mong tatandaan, MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA.
